Thighs Wide Shut

The Princess of Montpensier
(La Princesse de Montpensier)
He Hugs Me, He Hug-uenots!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
Not Rated | 139 min

Sorry that we always compare 16ish Century flicks to The Tudors, but we juss love The Tudors so dang munch, and we juss can’t helps ourselves from comparing things that have no comparison to The Tudors.  Anywho, Bertrand Tavernier‘s long take on Madame de La Fayette‘s short story, La Princesse de Montpensier, is like a French Tudors, but with little to no hotness, aka sex, since any ‘action’ happens off screen!!!  At least they gave us the royal treat of watching some handmaidens bathe Mélanie Thierry‘s rack, as she prepares to have her hymen broken on her wedding nite!  Got yer attention?  It did ours, even though this flick sometimes borders on snoozyTuesdayland

Thierry is the Princess in question, and the dude she’s arranged married to (Grégoire Leprince-Ringuet) is not the dude she loves.  That’s her hubby’s cousin(?), the roguish Duke de Guise (younger Hannibal Gaspard Ulliel).  Throw in their outranking other cousin(?), the slimy Duke d’Anjou (mustache-tastic Raphaël Personnaz), who’s also chasing her tail, and BLAM!, we’ve got a love square sorta goings on!!  Sounds hot, but it’s more chaste then you’d think it would be.  CHASTE-TIZE THAT SHIZ!!!!  But it’s the 5th wheel, the Prince’s pacifist mentor, the Count de Chabannes (Lambert Wilson, who deserves a better American resume than Catwoman and Sahara), truly driving this carriage from start to finish.  He becomes the Princess’ mentor, friend, and in the end, only trusted confidant.  He also seems to be the only person with any values or morales, and thus our most trusted protagonist (the film could of easily been named for him).  Btw, the three suitors are all real historical peoples!

There’s other shaz going on, like a religious war with the Huguenots, and lots of horse riding, and even more horse riding + courtly stuff like playful swordplay and large banquets, AND MORE HORSE RIDING!!  It all adds up to one endless runtime, which might feel a bit unnecessary, and yet there’s never a moment wasted… unless you believe there should be more panties a dropping than men talking about it.  That’s why this aint no Tudors!  Shame, cause her highness in high on hotness!!!

Chaos Thierry: who wouldn’t want to Franc her?

Verdictgo: a mild Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Princess is mostly a crowning achievement in NY this Friday, on demand on April 20th, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Uncle Boonmee Who
Can Recall His Past Lives
(Loong Boonmee Raleuk Chat)
Mumble In The Jungle
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Yes, Apichatpong Weerasethakul‘s Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives is one of the greatesteststest movie titles since 2 Fast 2 Furious, but it is not one of the greatestestesteest movies ever like 2 Fast 2 Furious, despite winning the Palme d’Or at last year’s Cannes and the praises of others who have been singing loud about it. So what’s the big deal? Dunno. Boonmee‘s a spiritual journey, with no real twists or turns or anything resembling what us westerners refer to as a story, juss a lotta lush Thai countryside footage and some interesting stuff that isn’t used nearly enuff… like the catfish that Uncle B might have been in a former life!! Being a catfish doesn’t sound all that interesting, but what if we told you that this particular catfish pleasures women by swimming under their gowns and making them groan??? Yeah, we’d wanna see more of that strange Asian sexual fetish hotness too, but all we get is one scene of fish on fish grime. More like BOO-youu!! Even worser is the under-usage of Uncle B’s long lost son who is now some sorta totally creepy/scary/scary-creepy ghost monkey with glowing red eyes (see pic above/gif below)!!!! No, we do not require an explanation about what the F the ghost monkeys is be, but all we ask is that all the other boring sh#t in this movie get tossed aside so we can have a horror movie about red-eyed ghost monkeys haunting jungles and hunting down people or something!!! LOOK AT THEM EYES!!! They make Jawas look as lame as Wawa employees!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Adjustment Bureau
Fedorable
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Don’t know about you, but we never really cared all that much for Inception and its udder pretty petty nonsense.  Sure, it was a cool-ass looking and feeling movie, but it was a brainy confusing overload, for something that really wasn’t all that brainy or confusing when you actually thought about it.  9 dreams within a dream may sound crazy, but it’s not, cause we say so.  So, if yer like us, and wanted Inception to be leaner, cleaner and simpler, you’ll probably super-enjoy George Nolfi‘s take on Philip K. Dick‘s short story Adjustment Team, cause it’s like all the fun and mystery of Inception, but without all the overdone hullabaloo.  It’s also one of the better K Dick screen treatments, and in general, an all-around delightful little love story between Matt Damon and Emily Blunt.  Wish there were more romantic flicks like this one and less ones like all the other crap that blows smelly farts into theaters every month.  Wish John Slattery could star in something where he didn’t have to wear a fedora.  Wish Anthony Mackie could be my BFF, cause he just looks like such a rad dude, with such a smooth-ass mustache!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Worth A Peepers

Take Me Home Tonight
License To Reheat
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Had little expectations going into the 80s throwback flick Take Me Home Tonight, but came out with nothing but a giant smile plastered on our faceses.  Sure, it’s not anything all that ingenious, but it was neither nor ignoramus either!  It’s like a leaner, cleaner and simpler Hot Tub Time Machine, and it’s actually better too, which isn’t saying much, cause HTTM isn’t really all that good, despite what you think or remember.  In TMHT, Topher Grace does his lovable dork thing he was typecast born to do, Teresa Palmer makes us forget that that actress chick from Twilight exists, Anna Faris does nothing, Chris Pratt is stupid, but in a different way, Demetri Martin is kinda good for like twice, and Dan Fogler proves once again that’s he’s the funniest heavy in comedies.  Dear Hollywurst, please give all of Jack Black’s roles to Fogler.  Dear Dan Fogler’s manager, please get him better movies, but not like Gulliver’s Travels… starring Jack Black.  Oh, and any movie that puts Angie Everhart‘s boobs on display is probably something worth watching, or at least JOing to!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Of Gods And Men
(Des hommes et Des Dieux)
Holy Snoozefest!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

In some Muslim country, some priests or monks or something (including Lambert Wilson and Michael Lonsdale) live at a monastery on top of a mountain.  They help the local poor people with medicine, clothing, food, and divine guidance.  Then one day some bad terrorists Muslim dudes come to the area and the priests/monks have to decide whether to flee or stay put.  This conundrum gets discussed over and over for what seems like 29838238 hours before they decide to stay put, cause giving up on the locals and themselves seems like the wrong thing to do.  Well, apparently staying was the wrong thing to do cause the terrorists show up in the end and kill a bunch of the holy men. Yep, we juss ruined the entire movie for ya cause you deserve to be spared from this borefest.  Even after we learned at the end that this was a true story, it didn’t help to turn it into a good true story

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Boonmee and Gods must be crazy, currently in limited release, while Tonight and Bureau are studio fun rocking out at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…