Ard Gelinck

[via MyModMet]

The Revenant
Useless S. Grunt
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 156 min

How do you like your Leonardo DiCaprio?

Bearded?

Frozen?

Speaking in Injun talk AND in grunts?

Drooling?

Raped?

well, you get ALL these Leos in Alejandro G. Iñárritu‘s latest zero funfest, that’s more endurance test, than enjoyable movie going  

Yes, welcome to The Revenevavnaveananenanenenananat!!!!!!!!!!!

YES, the backgrounds are beyond beautiful, and the injuns are cool and creepy, and YES, the story is kinda sorta true (which ALWAYS makes a movie instantly more interesting)

but NO to everything else

I mean, the fur trapping and wading in water was kinda cool at the beginning, but that all ends and it pretty much becomes the Tom Hardy is a giant a$$hole show, and you can barely understand what he says, even less than when he was Bane, and he’s being chased by Leo, who is tyring to be less understandable.  So it’s like a revenge pic, an endlessly mumbling one, and you juss keep waiting and waiting for the revenge, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

YES, the beards and snow are wicked cool, but NO thanks to the rest

I mean, I guess if one good thing comes out of the pain and snoring – Leo will finally gets his elusive gold man

Verdictgo: for the scenery only - Jeepers Somewhat Worth A Peepers. for the snoozyery, meeeeeeeehh - Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

The Revenant revs its engine and frozen beards at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Wolf of Wall Street
The Mighty Jordan Belfortification 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 179 min

Marty Scorsese made Goodfellas, arguably one of the greatest films ever made (I say even better than The Godfathers!), then directed a bunch of other stuff that wasn’t as grrrrrrrrrreat, then dropped Casino on us, which was not AS grrrrrrrrrreat great as Goodfellas was is, but what movie really is????, but it was so fcuking RAWesome and so close to being as grrrrrrrrrreat, but then he did a bunch of other movies that were good, but nothing like either of those two grrrrrrrrrreat and almost AS grrrrrrrrrreat masterpieces.  Well, the 18 year wait has paid off with The Wolf of Wall Street, which is not AS grrrrrrrrrreat as Casino, but oh so fcuking close to being so, and oh so fcuking RAWesome in its own right.  Bless you Marty.  BLESS YOU!!!!!!!!!

If you don’t know by now, Wolf is the VERY true story of Jordan Belfort, a small time scheming stockbroker who hit it big, at the expense of his clients.  Then lost it big, at the expense of those who helped him get there.  Jordan lived a life of BEYOND excess, and the film, adapted by Terence Winter from Belfort’s two books, displays this excess, and is excessive itself – clocking in at 1 minute under 3 hours!!!  And yet, not a single one of those manic, lude-filled minutes is wasted, even if Belfort, in the form of Leonardo DiCaprio, is wasted for about 96% of the movie  

Earlier this year, we saw DiCaprio live the extravagant life of another Long Island schemer, from another Wall Street friendly era, as the title Jay guy in Baz Luhrmann’s equally spastic The Great Gatsby. He was mainly reserved, with the energy and anger welled up, and his performance was udderly fantastic.  In Wolf, he’s the same guy, cept there’s nothing being reserved.  It’s all out on the table, being snorted, and then some (candle in the butt!!!) – marking DiCaprio’s single greatest performance (and dancing, see gif below) to date, which is some feat considering the list of unforgettable performances he’s handed in (Arnie from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Howard Hughes in Marty’s The Aviator, and Mr Hoover in Eastwood’s underpraised/loved J Edgar)

Anywho, DiCaprio aint alone in making this a Scorsese pic score and a must sese.  There’s his right-hand toothy man who does his in-office dirty work - Jonah Hill (this kid can’t fail), his other right-hand man who does his out-of-office dirty work - Jon Bernthal (perfect as a meathead muscle), bitchy trophy wife - Margot Robbie (being VERY NSFWlicious), dad Rob Reiner (Rob fcuking Reiner!!!), the wolf hunting FBI agent - Kyle Chandler (LOVE LOVE LOVE seeing his face on the big screen), sleazy mentor – Matthew McConaughey (remember when he wasted his and our time starring in endless crappy movies?), swifty Swiss banker - Jean Dujardin (The Artist CAN talk), and every single one of Belforts underlings (with names changed to protect godknows who), and in particular, the bespectacle and bestpect-o-cool PJ Byrne

Wolf is like a third-rate Goodfellas, which means it’s a first rate picture of this year, which means it’s one of the best of 2013.  TEEN WOLF THAT SHIZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show Wolf is howls at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Great Gatsby
Old Sport Done Anew.  Are You Game?
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 143 min

People be acting like they’ve never seen a Baz Luhrmann movie before, cause Baz Luhrmann Baz Luhrmanned the sh!t out of F Scott’s Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby.  Have a problem with the movie, well look no further than The Great Gatsby source material itself, cause it isn’t necessarily that great, at least when turned into a movie.  It has basically failed every time someone tried doing so.  And if you’ve ever seen the Robert Redford-Mia Farrow 1974 snooze-fest, you know that Gatsby needed a shot of adrenaline, and who better to deliver that shot than Bazzy Baz Luhrmann, who splashes in a hefty dose of pizzazz & confetti (I mean, check out that ’74 snoorer all Bazzzed up in this reduxed trailer ).  Fact – I love Baz Luhrmann.  Fact – I read Gatsby last year and really didn’t think much of it.  Fact – Baz made Gatsby eggzactly how I thought he would.  Fact – if you don’t like Baz Luhrmanned flicks you probably won’t like his Gatsby.  So if you hate things that are fun and awesome, and looks like the party of the year that you wish you could attend, WITH the soundtrack of the year, then don’t see Baz’ Great Gatsby

but that cast.  THAT CAST!!!

Leonardo DiCaprio is dashing, old sport, but like AO Scott said about his ‘overdone accent‘, I too ‘wish he would try a performance without one, though‘

Tobey Maguire is not an actor but a deer in headlights, always starring blankly ahead, with a wry smile, but his work is serviceable enuff as our humble narrator Nicky C

Carey Mulligan makes me want to mulligan all over myself again and mulligan and gan.  What Gatsby?  More like how many times did she make my weenie gaspy

Joel Edgerton has an edge to his rton, and an awesome mustache + he’s Owen Lars, and his dad Cliegg Lars is in the movie too (although never sharing a screen moment)!!!

Isla Fisher is barely in the movie, but her boobs jiggle enuff to keep her on our mindsz

Jason Clarke was in Zero Dark Thirty as the main black site interrogator, but in this movie he looks like he’s the one getting his a$$ handed to him.  This guy’s good

Amitabh Bachchan is a handsome Indian man

Elizabeth Debicki is a handsome Australian woman who reminds me of Cate Blanchett, in a more flappertastic/faptastic tastic way

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Gatsby is Baztastic in a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Django Unchained
Funslinger
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 165 min

For 9 hours of Quentin Tarantino‘s 9.75 houred Django Unchained, Quentin Tarantino hands in the most un-Quentin Tarantino Quentin Tarantino movie Quentin Tarantino has ever made.  That is a MOST excellent thing.  Then, in that last 45 minutes, Quentin Tarantino fills his most un-Quentin Tarantino Quentin Tarantino movie with the typical Quentin Tarantino shoot-em up garbage you’d expect Quentin Tarantino to stuff into a Quentin Tarantino movie – guns are fired & blood splatters, endlessly AND ENDLESSLY AND EVEN MORE ENDLESSLLLLLLLLLY.  You know it’s all too much too muchedness when Quentin Tarantino himself appears in the last 45 minutes as a bad actor with an awful Australian accent.  Quentin Tarantino, why did you have to add so much so muchedness at the end of your un-Quentin Tarantino Quentin Tarantino movie that was going so well???  WHY?????

Yeah, but that first 77 hours is so much unchained fun and amusement that it almost makes up for the endless end!  ALMOST!!!!  For them 1278772 beginning hours, you basically get to hear Christoph Waltz not be a Nazi and talk 9ever and help Jamie Foxx find his way, and hopefully his wife (Kerry Washington).  They criss-cross the country, hunting bounties, and then land in Candyland, a plantation owned by a super angry Leonardo DiCaprio, who does the same accent he does in every movie that sorta requires an accent, which is kinda the würst accent (it’s like he’s trying tooooo hard), and yet, DiCaprio is kinda the best in this movie.  Actually, everyone’s the best.  Even Samuel L Jackson as an evil Uncle Ben house slave is the best!  And Samuel L hasn’t been the best in ages.  And the cameos, oh the cameos, from the kid from Breaking Away to the original Django to Luke Duke to The Tamblyns to Tom Savini to… a zillion others… although we weren’t really impressed by Don Johnson’s Col Sanders and his blathering blatherskites

But that last 45 minutes.  Bang, bang, bang, bang.  Blood. Splatter. Pause.  Repeat.  Zzzzz.  We get it Quentin Tarantino, but we didn’t have to have it.  Did we?

Btw, this movie is not as shocking as people are making it out to be/wanting it to be, when it comes to that racy race stuff.  The N word is the N word.  Big wup.  I don’t say that word and don’t care to hear it, but I don’t get shocked by hearing it 231812831238 times.  If you want to be shocked about how fcuked up racy race shiz is/was then rent Spike Lee’s Bamboozled

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Chain Her Up, In A Sexual Way, Not A Racist Way!!!:

Nichole Galicia

apparently her old name was Nichole Robinson

Django Unchained is UNCHAINED at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…