Thighs Wide Shut

Unknown
Memory Lapzzzzzzze
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

What is unknown in Unknown is best left unknown.  Not cause telling you would ruin the unknowing fun, but cause once you do know the unknown knowningess that’s not known to recently memory-impaired Liam Neeson that eventually will be known to him, you’ll know juss how stoopid you felt waiting for some sorta awesome knowing reveal to happen, but being in this know is more of a groan than a known.  Know whatta we mean???? You don’t know what we mean, but let it be known that you won’t be as taken with Unknown has you were with Neeson’s Taken!

And yet, regardless of how un-kick-ass and silly director Jaume Collet-Serra‘s Unknown is, we dont want to unknow that we saw Unknown.  Even if January Jones‘sss acting chops make Scarlett Johansson’s look like Katharine Hepburn’s!  Even if fine German actress Diane Kruger is sporting some horrid Eastern European accent when the movie takes place in her home country!!  Even if a solid collection of co-stars like Bruno Ganz, Sebastian Koch, Aidan Quinn and Frank Langella play along with the cloak and daggery that’s more like clunk and slaggery!!!  Put some less charismatic actor in the Neeson role and the results wouldn’t be unknown, they would be unwatchable, but Neeson = watchable.  He’s the reason that despite Jar Jar Stinks, 9 hour pod races and the stoopid kiddie kid stuff in Episode 1: Phantom Menace, it’s the only remotely decent Star Wars prequel, cause Neeson brings class to things that suck a$$

Neeson!!!!

Needsome Neeson!: skip Unknown, and get to know these 3 lesser-known Neeson flicks… Five Minutes of Heaven, Breakfast On Pluto and The Dead Pool (not a little known film, but did you remember that Liam was in it???)

Verdictgo: Neeson Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Unknown knows not much today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Chronicles of Narnia:
The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Sea’s Candy Is Dandy Enuff
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

We’ve said it a zillion times before, but blessed be the casting director(s) of the Harry Potter flicks.  They picked 3 perfect kids (+ all their schoolmates) that had to rise to the challenge of not aging awkwardly or develop into awful actors, as many kids II (wo)men often do (is it any wonder why Fred Savage is behind the camera now???), over the course of 7 movies.  Mission beyond accomplished!!! Same cannot be said of the youngest Pevensie kids of da chronicly Chronicles, Edmund (Skandar Keynes, still one of the bestestest names ever) and Lucy (Georgie Henley).  They were rightfully green behind the earish in Narnia 1, and when they returned in #2, you could start to see signs that maybe them two weren’t really the chosen ones than Arslan should have chosen to carry the torch

Tuff tooties, cause Narnia 3 is virtually Peter (the DASHING William Moseley) & Susan (poppy Anna Popplewell)-free, and so we’re basically stuck sailing the high seas with Ed & Lu and the blandish Prince Caspy (Ben Barnes, who’s hactually a lil less bland in this one).  Sounds like a straight-up snoozefest, no?  WRONG!  If you’ve made it thru 2 Narnias, you should keep on trucking along with the third one, cause it’s still damn fun (with all dem damn Christian allegories!!) and that’s all that really matters, no?  And unlike in Potterville, at least these kids get to travel and do stuff all of the time, and not juss sit around and learn spells that want to put us to sleep!  Plus there are so many nifty & enchanted islands they explore and the Pevensie kids’ unwilling traveling companion/cousin Eustace (prickish Will Poulter, from Son of Rambow) is certainly no bore and watching Bruce Spence do anything is never a chore and this shiz is Narnia lore!!!!  And it’s also the last book/movie with Ed & Lu!!!!!!!!!!!  Also, the special effects are pretty awesome.  Also, YOUR MOTHER.  Also, your mother is not Melissa Leo

Get Bent!!: for Laura Brent. co-star Liam Arslan Neeson did!!!

c’mon Liam, no love for Melissa Leo?

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Narnia 3 is the magic # this Friday at a theater near jews AND Christians!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Next Three Days
Prison Broken
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Elizabeth Banks has the ultimate angel/devil smile, and often employs it to keep us guessing as to which one she is.  In Paul Haggis‘ messy, yet whole heartedly entertaining The Next Three Days (a remake of a 2008 French film of a different name), that patented Banks grin is on full display, and we can’t seem to figure out if she’s a cold blooded murderer of a co-worker or an innocent loving mother and wife.  Well, her hubby Russell Crowe knows she’s incapable of being a monster (or is sheeeeee????), and after exhausting ever possible legal option to get her released, he turns to plan b: BREAK HER OUT!!!!!  He’s no expert on the subject, being a community college prof and all, but luckily the guy (Liam Neeson, for all of 1 scene!) who wrote the book on it is, and so Crowe picks his beautiful mind (get it???) and then stuff happens!!!!!!  Most of this stuff is preposterous, and borders on recockulous, and all the secondary characters (Olivia Wilde, Brian Dennehy!!!!, RZA, Kevin Corrigan and Trudie Styler???) have about as much character as an extra with no lines, but still, once this thing gets going, it gets going, and it is so mad tense to like the tense degree!!  And it all takes place in Pittsburgh!!!!!  PITTSBURGH!!!!

Holy Moses!!!!: Moran Atias is Hebrew for ‘please touch my kosher wiener now‘

google has plenty on her work of body!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Three Days condors today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The A-Team
The Zzzzzzzzzzzzz Team
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

As a youngin, we loved ourselves us some Stephen J. Cannell & Frank Lupo TV version of The A-Team.  Haven’t watched it since then, so either the show hasn’t aged well and this unwanted big screen version (were people really clamoring for one, 17 years after the fact?) apes and confirms that, or the movie itself is juss another sorry eggscuse for making cash from a dormant brand name, without honoring the brand (The Brady Bunch Movie is the gold standard on how to do it properly)?  Maybe both?

Maybe it was doomed to fail regardless since it didn’t star Mr. T.  And why didn’t they let Mister Mr do his thing, especially over the charmless Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson? T wouldn’t have needed to do any crazy stunts in his old age, besides drive the van and maybe hit people with it.  And while the rest of the casting choices were inspired (Liam Neeson sure relishes them stogies, Bradley Cooper is a perfect doucheboat and Sharlto Copley is more zany than his name suggests), nothing else here is.  Things go boom, but fizzle, Jessica Biel has boobs but always is a boo, and anyone is a pitiful fool if they spend one penny or more than one minute watching this horse pi$$

The ‘J’ Stands for J’awesome: Ubu, sit on this!!  The Stephen J. Cannell Productions logos!!!!

Verdictgo: Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous,

A-Team steams like a pile of hot dog poo at a theater near jews (not for long)

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…