Thighs Wide Shut

– Guess who’s not seeing Be Cool this tweakend? ME! First of all, I don’t really remember being so wowed by Get Shorty. Secondbasely, Vince Vaughn is in it, so you know it has a 76% chance of sucking dingleberry cereal. Thirddiddly, I have better things to do like take a dump on Central Park’s remaining Gates and braid my uni-brow hair.

– Man Smokes 800 Cigarettes In Less Than Six Minutes?!?!?!

– The Planet of the Apes is almost upon us. If you don’t bee leave me, then feel free to ask this guy what happened to his testicles. [via Time Werespanko]

– I juss loves it when Grambo takes a mini-hiatus to actually do his day job, leaving the faithful high and dry, and then comes straight back like he never took one second off with such klassics like, ‘Is it just me or does Tori Spelling kind of look like one of them there Nazis from “Raiders”, post Ark Of The Covenant revelation?’

– Watch this guy literally take a dump on the MGM Grand in Vega$. [NSFW via Zach de la Roach Motel]

– Memo to Hollyweird: Stop making the same Ashton Krutchcher movie over and over. Eggzibit Q: A Lot Like Love, co-starring Amanda ‘My Horse Teeth and Wide Eyes Are Friggin Scary’ Peet.

– Take a look see to this picture of Lohan performing the most un-sexy female car washing scene in film history. [via ONTD]

– Give some peepage to Basement Jaxx’ video to their latest, ‘Oh My Gosh‘

– Dave Rowntree joins Damon in the world of animation.

– I’ve seen the future of hotels and they be called YOtel. I mean, who cares about space when yer bed rotates AND you get internet access. [via Curious George’s Mum]

– I’ve also seen the future ice cream and it’s NOT Dippin’ Dots.

– Oldie, but goodie: New Changes to Old Star Wars Saga [via DataWhat?]

– Spider-Man’s Greatest Bible Stories [via Lackey Daze A Cool]

– Innit so umazing that day is 03/04/05? And if you’re in Europe reading this, it innit so cool, cause the date would be 04/03/05.

– Jowlers.com [via Forrests 4 All]

– Lowest IQed Couple Call It Quits!!! Yep, pregnant Denise Richards filed for divorce from Charles Sheen!!! No word as to why, but I think she wants to run away with her new boyfriend, become a pilot, and fight the giant insects of Klendathu.

– Steve Hartman should be arrested for not being funny.

– Her Former Royal Thighness speaks out about being a party girl: ‘I’m not going to deny the fact that I’ve tried pot. I hated it. But I’ve never tried cocaine.’ I believe you LL.

– Paris painting a nekkid Nicky. [sorta NSFWness via ONTD]

– Is Steve Martin the new Tony Randall?

– Will Smith be hatin’ on breasts.

– Moby, the teacher. Now he can put people to sleep with his music AND his words.

– Don’t even try to put one of these words or phrases on a personalized jersey from the NFL shop you Ass Clown! Thankfully ‘Your Name’ is eggceptable… which is what the Thigh Master has on the back of his Redskins jersey. [via Johnny Dollar Bill$$$]

– Fingerbootyology [via MetaFiltz]

– What people’s desktops look like

– The Free Front Blog

– More Yahoo! 10 Year B-Day Fun!

– Best blog I’ve seen in awhile: Blink O Rama [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Looking for the perfect St Patty’s Day gift? Bid on one of Tawny Peaks’ breast implants.

– And juss in case u were wondering, this is what HRT II’s autograph looks like. But something tells me you’all be too busy looking at the lightbulbs in the background.

[via UseMyComputer]

– Peace le fork out to The Gates, the namer of the Macintosh computer, & the king of intermittent wipers. In all yer all’s honor, I’m going to create the first orange Macintosh that has it’s own screen wiper. That’s almost a better idea than my giraffe movie.

– In a recent interview, Cuthy (HRT the II) reveals this about our private life, ‘We actually had wax*. It was interesting and messy, but it was fun.’ *’wax’ is what we call banging against a wall whilst covered in Blue Crazeberry-flavored ChapStick®.

– Former Thighs-In-Law, Papa Lohan, is planning a reality TV-show about his upcoming divorce proceedings with estranged wife Dina. If it ever comes to fruition, it has a shot a beating Jonny Zero in the ratings.

– Don’t fear, the Trainspotting sequel (aka Renton) is alive and well. Danny Boy Boyle is juss waiting for the original actors to look ‘middle-aged’.

– Win an Oscar, live longer. But what will Hillary do when she outlives her beloveded Chad Lowe?

– Andy Rooney, please tell us how you feel about our past Presidents.

– Originality is dead. Check out one of The Trying Game‘s categories…

– I like vanilla more than chocolate.

– That’sJustNotRight.gross/NSFW [via Guns n Rosenthal]

– Play with me

– The Twerps may blow, but JJ’s the one who’s Redickulous(ly gay)! [via Ad Mich]

– Merry effin b-day to my boy Don Jon de Wannamaker. Now stop being so tall.

– I thought Lolo’s Behrooz Shop was a great idea in theory, like communism. Too bad CafePress didn’t agree and promptly closed their doors. I mean, who wouldn’t want to rock a shirt like ‘What Would Behrooz Do?’ or this:

– Before my Thighs were Wide Shut, and even before my Non-US ladies were all Hottied up, I used to write quite a lot for my boys over at InsideJoke.TV. But now that I’m such a huge superstar blogjay, I have less and less time for my old compadres. However, I will never forgot all that they have done for me, like paying me in hamburgers, so I always throw back some love when I can. And my latest contribution is the most brilliant thing you’ve ever read that has the word ‘gopher’ in it. I present to you, my qwikie guide to winning your Oscar Pool: Million Dollar Maybes. Maybe it will even help yer chances of beating me in my pool, which u still need to sign up for (group id ‘Thighs R Us’, password ‘cuthbert’). U can even PayPal me the $10 entry fee! How easy is that? And if I win, I promise I’ll become like all the other cool people and get meself an iPod.

– Here’s a pic of HRT the II with my giant boner stabone towering in the background. Big ups to my best friend Balthazar Getty who snapped this… although I’m so sick of him putting his name all up on his pics.

– How great was The OC lass noche? Peter Gallagher AND his eyebrows gettin into trouble, better girl on girl action, Spiderman refs, and the peace the fork outtings of two of my least flavorite characters, Lindsay & Zach! And I figure once Marissa’s done with her whole lezzie phase, she may take on a whole new animal kingdom.

– Daddy Lohan claims his shenanigans have helped LL’s career. Too bad it’s another Michael that brought her this far… ME!!

– The teaser of Phil K Dick Linklater’s A Scanner Darkly his online. Basically, if you liked Waking Life, yer gonna love this. [via The Bitch]

– Birdneck Paltrow and Chris Boring’s love on the rocks? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (s)topp!!

– Things I never thought of doing til Peabs suggested it #5: watch ‘The Bicycle Thief on ‘ludes and kit kat while getting your ass Edvard Munched upon by Mark Fidrych…‘

– I used to have such a pre-pubescent hard on for Soleil Moon Frye, but alas, she reduced her boob size, seduced Kevin Arnold, and disappeared off the face of Uranus. While she hasn’t pulled a full-on Barret Oliver, I hadn’t seen a pic of her since the early days of the internerd. Anywho, aftering bumbing around on UseMyComputer, I found a few, and I muss say, I’m not too pleased with the 21st Century version. We aint talking reverse boner action here, where one’s boner literally goes into the pelvis instead of out (like when I first saw Large Marge in Pee Wee’s Big Ad), but she hasn’t been keeping up with my joneses. Sure, the cleavage crease does raise my flag a bit, but there’s juss something about her look these days that I can’t put a penis on. Maybe she’s too thin, or her hair’s too black, or it could be the denim fetish, but I think it’s time to bid her adieu for the rest of my life. I mean, look what became of that lil girl from Troop Beverly Hills! She’s still riding down Hottie Lane. So what’s your story Sun-Moon Fried? Peace the fork out.

– I wonder why Lohanski always thanks her family in speeches, but omits daddy’s name when doing so? Maybe cause he threaten to kill all of them?

– Gawd bless the Oscars for being so dang classy. So dang classy in fact that they’ve barred Paris, Britney, and Pam from getting anywhere near them! This is an event for Kings and Queens, and even Princes.

– Speaking of her Royal Whoreness, were u wonderwomaning how dem hackers hacked into Paris’ T-Mobile account? It really wasn’t that difficult a task… hispecially since everyone knows the name of her dog.

– Revenge of the Sith image spoilers are up if you care. [via The D-Dubs]

– Belated b-day wishes to the world’s greatest living actress.

– Love to dance AND fight for yer country? Well, apparently America is giving its soldiers ecstasy. Glow sticks not included. [via The Blur]

– Alvin Stardust, star-durst?

– Two heads are better than one? Probs not in this case.

– Anne Hathaway is fed up.

– Re-edit the clizzzasic Psycho shower scene. [via MetaFilts]

– Policeman Bribed With Burgers

– For the record, I have never hustled for money in Thompkins Square Park.

– And what’s hottier than pics of Paris with Burt Reynolds? Pics of GIRLS EATING SANDWICHES!!! [via The Golden Child]

UPDATTTTTTTE: Moby to tour. Here be the dates thus far:

Mon 04/11/05 Norfolk, VA – The NorVa
Fri 04/15/05 Philadelphia, PA – Electric Factory
Sat 04/16/05 Boston, MA – Avalon
Tue 05/17/05 Manchester, UK – Carling Apollo Manchester