Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
Luc’s Skywalking, And Everyone Else Is Sleepwalking
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 134 min

After seeing Luc Besson‘s super fun Lucy, I declared that I wanted him to ‘direct all my blockbuster blusters‘.  My wish was beyond granted in his Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, where imagination knows no bounds, and awe and awesome is around every corner!!!  

Sadly, others don’t seem to agree with my sediments, and the audiences have spurned it as well.  This wholly creative cinematic force will die a quick death in theaters, and with that, any hope of a sequel, or the chance of big studios taking other chances on chancy material that isn’t a known commodity.  Well that sucks!  Damn you people!!!  Didn’t you see The 5th Element?  Do you not want more of THAT same, but with a fcuking dope 21st century digital landscape that makes George Lucas’ Star Wars prequels look like Pong???

Do you not want to see a movie that has Rihanna doing this (AND MORE)???

Are these slick-a$$ robots not slick-a$$ enuff for ye???

Do you not want to take your favorite memories of Avatar, A.I., Mad Max, Mos Eisley, The Neverending Story, Moulin Rouge and Contact and have them rolled up into one stellar movie roller coaster that’s beyond well worth the ride?

OK, so they maybe could have found a better Valerian than Dane DeHaan, but he was fine.  And I’m not usually a fan of smelling-a-bad-fart-faced Cara Delevingne, but here, as Val’s girl Friday – Laureline, she’s a woman with more depth and rockitude than anything Wonder Woman womanized!  

WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT?  YOU DON’T WANT THIS, AND INSTEAD YOU WANT CRAP???  WELL, YOU WILL KEEP GETTING CRAP!!!!  Hollywood will continue to make the garbage that you so rightfully deserve

I believe, and sincerely hope that time will be kind to Besson’s Valerian.  Today’s box office ‘bomb’ will one day turn into a cult classic that we’ll be talking about well beyond the 28th century.  Beam me up, and boo on you haters!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Valerian  soars at a theater near jews and white nationalists (but hurry – shiz is gonna leave theaters ASAP!!)

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Lucy
Mindless Over Matter
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 90 min

Fcuk Marvel and their brand of summer fun. If I had my pick, I’d let Luc Besson direct all my blockbuster blusters. Feels like 9ever since he directed ANY movie. I actually thought the last movie he directed was The Fifth Element. Apparently he’s directed 9 movies since then, and I saw 3 of them. One of those is his latest – Lucy – and it actually actually actually finally feels like the proper follow-up to Element, and more so to his BLAMMMMMAZIN Leo/The Professional. Sure, over the past decade+ he wrote & produced popcorn fluff like The Transporter & Taken flix, but he didn’t direct them. With Lucy, he directed the living fcuk out of it, and my eyes are thankful for it

While the movie is about the brain, it’s far from cerebral. It isn’t fully dumb, but it’s more dumb fun than it is intellectual property. But you wanna know what? I had more fun watching this summer flick than I did with any superhero and Michael Bay movie of recent memory. FYI – The only Michael Bay movie worth remembering is The Island, another smart dumb fun flick starring ScarJooo. FYI – LUC BESSON IS THE BEST (mostly)!!! PLEASE MAKE MORE WOMEN KICKING ASS STUFF THINGS!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Creepers

Lucy loos at a theater near you

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Taken 2
Raging Istanbul Shiz
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 92 min

Things are so tuff for Liam Neeson!!!  He and his family keep taking nice little European trips and keep getting kidnapped by Serbians!!!!!  But that won’t stop them from having a good time, or throwing gernades, or drawing circles on maps, or killing Serbians, or teaching his daughter how to drive!!!!  YESSS!!!

OK, Taken 2 is no masterpiece, but it aint no master piece of sh!t neither, but it’s not good, but it wasn’t eggzactly as awful as that movie where he boringly fought wolves OR the movie where he boringly had amnesia, so this is pretty much the best Liam Neeson movie since Chloe, which really isn’t saying much, but Luc Besson written movies haven’t been saying much ever since he gave up being creative after The Fifth Element.  LUC BESSON, STOP WRITING THE SAME MOVIE OVER AND OVER WHERE PEOPLE DRIVE CARS AND SHOOT GUNS (which isn’t eggzactly the worsttt, it’s juss the same thing, again and again)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AND IF YOU CAN’T STOP, JUSS MAKE A FCUKING PROFESSIONAL SEQUEL ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh, and DB Sweeney is in this movie for 8 seconds!!!!!

Verdictgo: it’s not awful, and we kinda actually enjoyed its stupidity, so low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers garbage

Taken 2 is so close to leaving theaters that you can juss wait for video or don’t even bother

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Contagion
Semi-Avoid This Like The Plague
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

And the unscariest lame scary movie that wasn’t intended to be a scary movie is… Steven Nederbergh‘s Contagtgitiontioniagagaionagioanggaaioaniatgaionattaoon!!!  This coulda been 28 Days Later, but ended up being about as adventerous as 28 Days Slater!!!  Gwyneth Paltrow foams at the mouth to death within the first 15 minutes and then it’s pretty much Purell pure-hell of boredom the rest of the way!!!!  Not even bats feeding pigs feeding humans causing problems on Day 1 can make us give a sh#t about any day that followed.  Contagtioaianiataianigaianaian did for germs what Food, Inc did for unhealthy eating – not change our minds on the subject whatsoever.  Bring on the tainted pig, please!!!!

Colombiana
More Like Colombian-MEH
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 108 min

Luc, stop writing and producing easy action garbage (like Colombiana), and directing kids movies, and juss reunite with Natalie Portman and make yer name mean something once again.

Here’s hoping your Lady aint shady

Verdictgos: both be Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Contagion & Colombiana are C minuses at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…