Thighs Wide Shut

Bad Teacher
There’s Something About Diaz / There’s Nothing About Segel
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 92 min

Bad Teacher defied all the odds it had stacked against it.  Here’s what awfulnessnessnesses we notion preconceived in our minds:

- Cameron Diaz is annoying

- Jake Kasdan shares a name with daddy Lawrence and that’s about it

- Jason Segel is unfunny

- Thomas Lennon is also unfunny

- Justin Timberlake usually tries too hard to be funny

- Lucy Punch is talented and funny, but her face juss scares the living day&nightlights outta us so dangs much that it almos overshadows the talent and the funny

Well, apparently adding actual funny side player peeps like Phyllis Smith, John Michael Higgins and Eric Stonestreet (…and barely doing anything wit em at all) is juss the ticket to make all those above wrongs turn into something dang right and hactually funny.  YES, funny.  Bad Teacher is funny.  We had to be dragged to see this (w/o kicking or screaming) and that’s probably why we liked it, but it can’t be as simple as that, cannnnnnnnit?

Well…

– Cameron Diaz wasn’t annoying

– Jake Kasdan made something that resembled a movie!

– Thomas Lennon remained unfunny.  oh well

– even though every sportswriter in America was JOing to that Lebron vs Jordan argument bit, it was about as funny as Jason Segel is (aka NOT)

– Justin Timberlake was sorta funny! someone juss tell him to keep away from Andy Lamesberg

– Lucy Punch’s face still looks like it was punched one too many times, but her talent and funny TRUMPED HER SCARY FACE!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Bad aint so, currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Elektra Luxx
Ultra Suxxxxxxx
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

So, there’s this movie about a porn star with a heart of gold, and a pile of problems, played by everyone’s dream porn star Carla Gugino.  It co-stars the likes of Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Marley Shelton, Timothy Olyphant, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Adrianne Palicki, Malin Akerman, Vincent Kartheiser, Lucy Punch, Justin Kirk, and even tosses in a cameo for Julianne Moore as the Virgin Mary!!  Woah, that’s a ton of foxy ladies and some choice-y male funsters, and it’s sorta about porn!!!  This could be sexy AND fun AND sexy fun!!! Right?

9,000,0,00000,00000,00% WRONG.  Within 2.3 minutes you can tell that this is dread on arrival.  How all these talented actors agreed to be in such a below-amateur production is more mind-boggling than playing Boggle against Dr Mindbender with only ‘Qu’ dice (see illustration at the bottom)!!!  And worst yet, apparently this is a sequel to a movie we’ve never heard of called Women In Trouble.  There must be something to the 1st one to warrant a 2nd pass, but we don’t even want to find out why, or even bother figuring out what secret info writer/director Sebastian Gutierrez has over these actors that he uses to blackmail them into acting in his greasy pieces of cruddddddddd.  There’s already rumblings about a 3rd movie called Women In Ecstasy, or more like AUDIENCE IN MISERY: PART 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Repent For Your Sins: you can make yer own Carla Gugino porn movie by A-B repeating her fine NSFW work in Sin City.  much easier on the eyes and ears than Luxxxxxxxx

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Luxx suxxxxxxxxxxxxx times like 9 bajillion in NY/LA/Boston & Seattle next Friday and hopefully nowhere after that

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

+ Boggle Black Letters photos!

+ Poggle The Lesser!

You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger
Lucy Punch Drunk Love
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Woody Allen has made his fair share of winners, duds, mehs and yeah-yeah-yeahs.  You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger falls under the yeah-yeah-yeah category.  It’s nothing special, like Corky from Life Goes On, nor flat out retarded, like Lindsay Lohan’s lifestyle choices, it’s juss a delightful lil London love trifle wrapped inside no enigmas wrapped inside a comfy blanket that eventually becomes an uncomfortable one, cause some of our characters make poorer decisions than Todd Margaret, but we’ll never know the full outcome of em as the movie finishes open-ended! Bastardo cheerio!  Moist importantly, it’s not Whatever Works 2, cause #1 was dreadful!!!  And thankfully, there isn’t even a character playing the nebbish Woody Allen role in Stranger!  Basically it’s lecherous men (Anthony Hopkins, Josh Brolin, Antonio Banderas) versus their insecure, neurotic women (Gemma Jones, Naomi Watts, Freida Pinto, Lucy Punch), with some fortune telling, failed artistic careers and marriages strewn about.  Whatevs.  It’s a Woody Allen movie, and at this point, you’re either a person who sees and mostly enjoys his movies or one who doesn’t.  What kind of person are you?

What’s Next?: Midnight In Paris – 2011.  but when will Allen make a movie in Norway so we can read the headline ‘Norwegian Wood’????????

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Stranger is currently light, not dark, in limited release!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…