Mary Queen of Scots
I’ve Seen Better Episodes Of The Tudors
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
R | 125 min

The history is interesting and worth telling, but the latest and not so greatest iteration of it – the Josie Rourke directed and Beau Willimon written Mary Queen of Scots – somehow doesn’t give the affairs the royal treatment it deserves 

Not for a lack of trying.  They got black guys and Asian gals and Hispanic dudes playing roles usually reserved for white folk.  That was kinda refreshing!  And you can’t go wrong with Irish tongued Saoirse Ronan giving Mary the upper Scottish lip, while Aussie Margot Robbie goes ‘ugly’ and white face as her cousin rival Elizabeth 

History news flash – the two Queens don’t interact much, and basically never face to face, so for the most part, it’s juss a war of words, and a bunch of dudes with staches and ruff necks endlessly scheming.  And that’s OK, cause it’s like The Tudors, but like a lesser episode  

The main issue I had with the film is how muddled it begins and how middling the middle parts were (too many needless side characters we could care less about), but when the film finally hits its stride in the last act, it’s all class act until Mary gets hers.  Woulda been nice if her head and the movie was screwed on tighter from the get go, before it gets the chop in the end, but hey, history and herstory is told by the victors, and the victorias, however they want to tell it

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Sorta Kinda Worth A Peepers

Mary gets bloody at a theater near jews and white nationalists this Friday

want to see a better movie about women in power and women empowerment?  seek out the doc ¡Las Sandinistas! – it’s great!!! you’ll learn more about Nicaraguan modern history than you’ve ever known!! and Bernie Sanders is in it!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

I, Tonya
Blades of Teal
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
R | 121 min

When you catch certain glimpses of Margot Robbie as Tonya Harding in the movie I, Tonya (like the image above), you go, my gosh – she, Tonya!!!!  And then when you sit thru all the other parts of the movie, you keep thinking, this storytelling is a little too slick, and everything is laid on A LOT too thick.  It’s like a wannabe paranoid part of Goodfellas, that also feels like the wannabe Goodfellas – American Hustle mixed with the stupidity of the stupid people of Masterminds

But faults aside (like too much of a soundtrack – like for realz, every scene doesn’t need a top 40 hit in it), I liked that they made a movie that sympathizes with Tonya Harding.  But I also liked the 30 for 30: The Price of Gold doc MUCH more, and I suggest you see it over the movie cause the true events themselves were so highly sensationalized to begin with, that a movie sensationalizing the sensation ends up being too much for the senses.  Stick to the facts, and the real deals, with the real players, and the real player haters

Although the acting in the film IS fantastic and worth seeing – especially Allison Janney as Tonya’s ice cold bitch of a mom, and Sebastian Stan as dumb Ned Flanders/Jeff Gilooly‘s mustache, and Paul Walter Hauser eating his way thru whatever he is incredibly doing as Shawn Eckhardt.  Sure, Robbie and Janney are GREAT – but give the Oscar and the buzz to the fat guy!

Go fat guys!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

she Tonya today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Goodbye Christopher Robin
Wiping The Pooh, And Back The Tears
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG | 107 min

Oh great, another one of those Finding Neverland / Saving Mr Banks-type movies where we discover the truth behind the (family) pain and (monetary) gain that birthed a beloved childhood literary classic (that eventually became an animated Disney classic)!

And for awhile, that’s what Goodbye Christopher Robin felt like – a by the numbers tale of how Pooh got Winned in Hundred Acre Wood

BUT, despite that, and despite not super-loving an over-accented and not so fun Margot Robbie, I eventually softened on the tale, and by the end, I was so soft, I was dripping wet in my own tears.

Yes, I was crying cause Domhnall Gleeson‘s forehead make-up as old man A. A. Milne was more awful than most of these jobs (not really), but I also was crying cause Kelly Macdonald makes some of the best glum and saddened faces in the bidness, but also cause I cried for Christopher Robin!  A.A.’s real son who’s playfulness and imagination was his inspiration that launched a zillion books, and when success came they turned their son into a puppet of profit!!

HOW DARE YOU PARENTS?????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poor Christopher Robin. 

FREE CHRISTOPHER ROBIN!!!!

And oh man, the two peeps that played CR are fcuking amazing.  Will Tilston (cast by the same person who cast Danny Radcliffe as Harry Potter) does most of the heavy lifting in this one.  The child actor is beyond precious.  When you look up the word ‘moppet’ in a dictionary, either one of these pictures should be there

THAT FCUKING KID IS SO ADORABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And with limited screen-time, the more adult Chris Robz done up by Alex Lawther (who also played young Alan Turing in The Imitation Game), puts an exclamation mark on the proceedings that still has me exclaiming FREE CHRISTOPHER ROBIN!!!

Also, the biggest take away from this movie that I learned [spoiler alert] is that Winnie the Pooh IS real, and lives at the NYPL!!!

Also, that the kid’s name is ‘Christopher Robin’, not ‘Christopher Robbins’, which I think I thought that it was for like 9ever

Movies – where learning and enjoyment sometimes go hand-in-hand!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Christopher rounds Robin in limited release today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…