Rust and Bone (De rouille et d’os)
The Diving Belle & The Butterface
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 120 min

So there’s this French movie where Marion Cotillard trains & plays with whales at French Sea World or something, to the sound of Katy Perry’s ‘Firework’.  Then one day something goes HORRIBLY wrong and like whales hurt her and she loses BOTH OF HER LEGS!!  So legless Cotillard aint having the best of times.  She has no legs, her boyfriend took off, and she can’t train & play with whales at French Sea World or something

Luckily she met this ‘hunky’ guy (Matthias Schoenaerts) before the accident, and maybe he can help her.  Guess what, HE DOES!!!  This dude is like a low-life dude who would rather work out and bone chicks than face responsibility, like taking care of his son.  He is also some sort of amateur boxer and is involved in super ghetto backyard gypsy brawls for cash.  Cotillard joins him on one of these ghetto matches and becomes transfixed by them, and by him, and at some point she becomes his manager, and than at some other point they start boning, juss so she can bone again.  Is it platonic boning or is it boning with feelings?  By the time the question is answered 17 hours have passed and she still wishes she was whaling out to Katy Perry and there’s rust on your eyes and they are mad bone dry

Yep, it’s one of these movies where a hot person seems to get less hot by gaining a disability, but in the end they end up more beautiful than they were before!!!!  Sorry to say kids, but Rust and Bone (De rouille et d’os) aint no Diving Bell and the Butterfly (Le Scaphandre et Le Papillon).  SacreTRU!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Bone bares in New York today and in LA on December 7th and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Dark Knight Rises
Catty, Batty & The Bane of Its Own Existence
Official Website | Trailers & MoComments 1
PG-13 | 164 min

One thing is for certain, Christopher Nolan did a wonderful job making a different kind of a super hero movie, and now that it’s all come to a conclusion, we can finally say – thank gawd it’s over, lets move on with our lives, and bring on the reboot!!!  If only Kubrick were alive.  COULD YOU IMAGINE A KUBRICK BATMAN?!?!?!?  we’d settle for a Fincher one

Honesty time – we liked Nolan’s Batman films, but we didn’t outright love them.  Sure, the one with Heath Ledger was batsh!t awesome, but remember how it was like 9292828 hours too long?  You LOVED these movies, and that’s fine, but his Batmans didn’t look like the way we like our Batman to look.  In our book, the 60s Batman TV show is the gold standard of how Batman should look.  Tim Burton’s wasn’t perfect, but it looked perfect.  The 90s Animated Series put the dark in DARK Knight, cementing the way the Knight should be darkened, 9ever.  How could it not, it was drawn on BLACK PAPER!!!  Combine those three batty-bestnesses and one could create the ultimate Batman movie.  Don’t, but include a brain, and you get something like Nolan’s Batmans

OK, enuff of that, and z-nuff about the final installment of Nolan’s Batman trilogy – The Dark Knight Rises.  It’s first hour is fantastic.  Its got Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) pissing in mason jars (off screen), and then he meets Catwoman (Anne Hathaway, proving us all wrong), who’s über sexy, and hot, and beautiful, and leathery, and so he decides to stop using his penis for urinating, and start using it for having boners.  Boners are awesome, but then some guy named Bane (Tom Hardy) banes capital and not Conrad Bain, and it’s kinda boring, cause there’s nothing to the character of Bane.  If you disagree, we dare you to name one memorable thing about Bane, besides having a face thing and his talking is stupid and he lives in a sewer and he’s hard and strong like the boners we got looking at Anne Hathaway in a catsuit.  Bane is lame.  Why?  This is why

yep, he’s like ROTJ Anakin Skywalker, cept we have zero sympathy or interest in him, cause he sucks, and you can’t see his nose, and the nose knows

So Bane does a bunch of sh!t that would seem amazing, like blowing up lots of Gotham and creating Marshall law, but it’s about as exhilarating as a full season of Sammo Hung’s Martial Law.  And this crap goes on for ages, and Marion Cotillard is like French and sexy (what a stretch for her), and Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays good cop, while Matthew Modine plays lame cop, and chameleon Gary Oldman doesn’t chameleonize himself in a role that doesn’t require the talents of such a talented actor, and Morgan Freeman doesn’t marry his granddaughter, and Michael Caine is pennywise and pound foolish, and so on and whatever

The final battle is more whatevs than whatevs.gov.net.tumblr.webs, but then at the very very very very very very end, all is well, and it’s back to awesome, but it is not enuff to make up for being stuck in some Timbuktu well-hole that looks like outtakes of the Golden Child and The Name of The Rose, cause it’s boring and sucks, and doesn’t involve Catwoman taking a shower

OK, enuff of that crap, and on to our #2 complaint of Nolan’s Batmans – why do all Bat-related-mobiles look like vehicles created by blindfolded two-year old children???  WHY???????  THEY LOOK REFARTED!!!!  Did you know that Battanks were made out of origami????  WHY?!??!

Burn Notice: we made love to Burn Gorman‘s name back in 2006, and you should today, and always

BURN GORMAN BURN!!!

Verdictgo: this is Nolan.  we expect the best, not Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Dark Knight sorta rises at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed, and hopefully not Catwoman

Midnight In Paris
Well-Oiled Chime Machine
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 100 min

Inception
Dream On/Off
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

No doubt about it, Christopher Nolan‘s Inception is one slick movie… as long as you don’t spend too much time quarter-pondering about what the frig is goings on, cause there’s a lot, but none of it really matters.  It thinks it’s purty darn smart and crafty, and others seem to think so too (#3 of all time? c’mon Eileen!), but we don’t think so.  It’s like Stutter Island (way to diversify Leo!), where you can enjoy and follow the logic for about an hour and then when the layers keep getting piled on and then peeled back, with rules being changed and added as it sees fit, it becomes a lil too big for its own britches.  Sure, the ending was a tad nifty, if a tad too predictable, but like this past season of Lost, once the switch is flipped and the flip is switched at the end, basically everything that came before it becomes null in void.  So why would Inception require a second viewing if (SPOILER) it’s all a dream, within 1934244 dreams divided by 13 subconscious unconscious confucius confusing fests?????!!!!

The real big mystery is why movies keep letting Ken Watanabe and Marion Cotillard speak in English instead of in their native tongues.  Can’t ever understand a friggin word they sayings, and in a movie where words are all we have to explain the visuals, it’s kinda of important to have the dialog be clear and crisp.  Speaking of the visuals, the folding buildings and the crumbling buildings on the beach and the Joseph Gordon-Levitt walks on walls stuff was totally wicked dope radness, but there wasn’t enuff of it!  We wants movies with 4 hours of non-stop building folding!!!  And the dreams weren’t nearly dreamy enuff, even though Tom Hardy is crazy dreamy (we didn’t love Bronson, but we loved him as Bronson)!  And another thought about Watanabe, if he’s the dude trying take down rival Cillian Murphy‘s energy company, then why would he be directly involved in the mission, cause Murphy would probably know what he looks like!!  But we guess it doesn’t matter when he has protective gunmen in his dreams, and why?  juss BECAUSE!!!  And instead of anyone being pinched to wake up from a dream, apparently you have to be gunned down cause only then will you be able to pass thru the 18th dream state of dreamrulesland!!! Whooopie!

Still, Inception is fun, and original, and it employed Tom Berenger AND Lukas Haas and anytime Haas is in the haaaas, so will we!

No Regrets: apparently the use of Edith Piaf’s ‘Non, je ne regrette rien’ had nothing to do with the casting of Cotillard, who won an Oscar for playing Rice Piaf, AND apparently one piece of the soundtrack is hactually a slowed down version of that song!

Verdictgo: it’s not a thinker like everyone thinks it is, nor is it a stinker so Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Inception is extracting itself currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…