Thighs Wide Shut

Foxcatcher
In Cold Blood 2
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 134 min

If you are unaware of the story of John du Pont and the brothers Schultz, you’re better off not knowing a thing, to fully enjoy experience the atmospherically jarring movie that is Bennett Miller‘s Foxcatcher

All you need to know is that there’s wraslin’ and a quest for gold, and plenty of uncomfortable silences, and amazing hair and make-up work – that beyond works, coupled with incredible performances by Steve Carell, Channing Tatum and Mark Ruffalo

dude – shiz is so fcuked up, and all so true (mostly)

and Anthony Michael Hall!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Foxcatcher catches your attention at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

36 Actors Hanging Out With Their Body Doubles

36 Actors Hanging Out With Their Body Doubles

Now You See Me
Hand of Sleight
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG-13 | 113 min

I love magic.  I love movies. I love movies about magic.   I love movie magic.  I love Jesse Eisenberg, Mark Ruffalo, Woody Harrelson, Isla Fisher, Mélanie Laurent, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine & even Dave Franco (when James is unavailable).  Wait, all of these things are in one movie????  HOW IS THIS A REAL MOVIE???  But don’t get too excited cause this thing they’re in was directed by Louis Leterrier, captain of the two Transporter movies + Clash of The Disaster + that 2nd Hulk movie everyone already forgot about.  And guess what, don’t get too excited in general, cause the result – Now You See Me – is an illusion of entertainment.  You’ll be tricked into being entertained, but really, the dupe’s on you, dope!  You somehow sit thru this inane routine, and the only thing that’s really vanishing is your time and money  

Sure, Now You See Me isn’t even on the same planet as the UMmazing Prestige or even the usey illusiony The Illusionist, BUT even though NYSM is totally refarted, it is totally totally watchable dumbitity, cause EISENBERG’S NOT STEALING FACEBOOKS! AND RUFFALO LOOKING UNSHAVED GRUFFALOOO!!!!  AND WOODY HARRELSON KNOCKING WOOD (not really)! AND ISLA IS SOOOOOOOOOOOO FINE!!! AND LAURENT IS ALSO SO FINE AND SO CUTE SPEAKING IN ENGRISH!!! AND MORGAN FREEMAN IS SO OLD AND WISE AND HIS SMILES MELT SCREENS AS HE COLLECTS ANOTHER PAYCHECK!! AND MICHAEL CAINE DOES AN AMAZING MICHAEL CAINE IMPERSONATION!!! AND DAVE FRANCO IS LIKE JAMES FRANCO BUT YOUNGER AND LESS LEARNDEDED!!!!  And in nothing roles, they threw in real actors to play them, like that guy Michael Kelly, and Common, and that other that guy David Warshofsky!!

There’s nothing up any sleeves here, but sometimes it’s OK to pull from the bottom of the deck/dreck cause WE’D WATCH THIS CAST DO ANYTHING, EVEN KNIT SWASTIKA SWEATERS!!!

Verdictgo: high end Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Now You See Me sees you today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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and now that that’s outta the way…

The Avengers
Mostly Justice League
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 143 min

Lord Whedon’s Avengers is 2/3rds snoozefest and 1/3rd awakefest.  Luckily the end is the awakefest, but unfortunately it takes 9999ever to get there.  The snoozefest snoozes and loses cause they finally put all these Marvel money making heroes into one place at one time, but then they stay in that one place (some stoopid floating aircraft carrier) for what seems like an eternity… of nothingness.   Literally, nothing happens, unless you count more bad acting by Samuel L Jackson in a blockbuster movie (he seems to do better with real drama than fanboy drama.  see Mace Windex for another bad example)

Then the bad guy (Thor’s gay adopted brother), who’s more lame than bad goes to NY and the Avengers unite even more and like battle like mad like everywhere in like New York.  There’s no drama or anything really at stake, but we do get to see the super hero equivalent of Rampage, and if you’ve played Rampage, you know there’s nothing to it but smashing things, and so while that’s kinda cool to watch, it doesn’t eggzactly make for a super memorable super hero movie.  But someone else is and makes a smash – Hulk!  Finally!  At least in a CGI sense, cause the Ang Lee Hulk was awesome, and if you don’t agree then go watch HBO’s Girls.  But seriouslies, Mark Ruffalo makes an eggsalad Bruce Banner, and his Hulk is f$%king awesome.  Looking more forward to a Ruffaloed Hulk flick than wees is to a 2nd Avengers

You sorta did it Whedon.  not really

Verdictgo: low low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Cabin In The Woods
Pull The Strings
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 95 min

To talk plot points is to give away the fun, and sorta like The Avengers, the real real fun of the Lord Whedon written Cabin In The Woods only exists in the last third, which makes Whedon a wizard at third acts, but he needs to get his act together for the other two acts.  Even though The Avengers and Cabin have about as much in common as we and a vegetarian restaurant do, wees gotta say we enjoyeded Cabin more than we did The Avengers. The Avengers had to deliver the goods, and it kinda sorta doesn’t, and Cabin doesn’t need to deliver anything,  but it delivers nightmares that won’t give you nightmares, unless you fear unicorns.   What are we even talking about?  Dunno, but Kristen Connolly is wicked adorables!!!!

Verdictgo: high end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Avengers and Cabin are growing Whedons at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Sympathy for Delicious
Healing Wounds All Time
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
NR | 96 min

We don’t go into directorial debuts by actors with a roll of the eyes, we go in with eyes wide open (we actually do that with every movie now), cause who knows, maybe they’ve got talent… or maybe they should juss stick to their day job.  Clint Eastwood remains the pacesetter.  Even actors we can’t stand like George Clooney have proven more than capable.  Even someone like Madonna, who isn’t much of an actress, gave it a shot, and while most loathed her Filth & Wisdom, we found it lithe & not so dumb! So why shouldn’t Mark Ruffalo give it a go?  He knows acting, and always seems to pick good movies to be in (uh, Zodiac?), so why not????

Ruffalo’s Sympathy for Delicious may have an awful name, but it is not awful.  It’s not exactly delicious either, but it certainly has a taste!  It’s a good ole first try, and a promising sign of Ruff’s skill in the director’s chair, but ultimately its a mess of holy ideals, backed up by a band no one would want to rock out to.  The script, about a overly bitter homeless wheelchair-bound man named ‘Delicious’ Dean O’Dwyer (oh, it’s HIS sympathy, eh?) who one day realizes he has the ability to heal others, is inspired, especially since it was written and lead performed by wheelchaired Christopher Thornton, but it aims a lil too high for a film that can’t fully back up its sermon.  A priest (Ruffalo) and rock group (headed by a too-over the top Orlando Bloom, backed-up by a too Juliette Lewisish Juliette Lewis, and managed by a too greasy Laura Linney) both take advantage of his unwanted gift for their own ends, and if you’ve ever seen Tommy, you know this won’t exactly end heavenly. So Ruffles couldn’t make a delicious modern Tommy, but he tried and he didn’t fail, and for that, we can sorta take it

Noah Emmerich co-stars as a fellow ironsider, and besides Thorton and Ruffalo, he totally hits his marks.  He’s so good at playing a sad sack in an ugly sweater, which should not be confused with ugly nutsacks in a sad sweater

The Wheel Deal: Larry David has never had luck when dealing with the handicap on Curb, and especially those in wheelchairs. here’s a memorable altercation with Mr Thorton over the Cobb salad

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Delicious isn’t eggggzactly so in NY & LA theaters AND on VOD this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed, but Morgan aint…