Thighs Wide Shut

Ready Player One
Props Culture
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 140 min

At the close of last year, I bemoaned that The Post was material not worthy of Spielberg’s talents.  He’s a great history teacher, but I prefer him as a science(-fiction) professor.  Take his Lincoln, his Bore Horse, his Bridge of Thighs (two of which were good movies), and erase his names off of them.  Let someone else direct those movies.  Give me more of his The Adventures of Tintin.  Did you see that movie?  It was STUNNING.  I wanted him to make 239239239 more of them.  He didn’t, but hey, my post-Post prayers have been answered in his big screen version of Ernest Cline‘s Ready Player One book (which I sadly didn’t read, but now maybe should have).  THIS is the kind of movie Spielbergo needs to direct.  This material isn’t beneath him, nor above him – it suits and fits him perfectly like a Power Glove

Spielberg made his mark in the 80s.  Ready Player One is a movie/book love letter to that time, and even to the movies he made and produced (Back To The Future!  Jurassic Park).  And it feels like a Spielberg extension of the leap he took when he finished Kubrick’s A.I..  A.I. was his love letter to Kubrick, and it didn’t feel like a Spielberg movie whatsoever, and that’s part of what makes it such an incredible undertaking and end result.  I mean, look at this!

And with RPO, Spielberg is free of Kubrick’s ghost and essentially makes his own A.I.

Now I’m not going to say that RPO is perfect – it’s not – it does better with the virtual gamer sh!t than it does with the reality real world stuff, and the ending was kind of a meh drop off, but it’s one fcuking hell of a visual ride that must be taken on the big screen.  My jaw was dropping endlessly, and my eyes kept popping out, not believing the unbelievable things it was seeing (spoiler alert – The Shining stuff alone is worth the price of admission).  It’s like a Tintin adventure for the modern and future-modern times.  Most importantly – it just works.  It works, where other films like it should have worked but just didn’t, like Speed Racer, Scott Pilgrim vs The World, Tron: Legacy, Sucker Punch, and even Back To The Future II

And what really worked for me was that it’s a movie that takes place in 2044, but it feels like an 80s movie.  The good guy is our Marty McFly-type (Tye Sheridan, who made his debut with Terrence Malick’s Tree of Life, a visual feast as well), the bad guy is straight out of any 80s movie evil corporate boardroom (Ben Mendelsohn, who should be in EVERYTHING), and the ghost hanging over the whole affair (not Kubrick) is a cross between Steve Jobs and Louis Tully (Mark Rylance, nailing the nerdy awkwardness, kinda like he was Mitch from Real Genius).  Not sure how 80s Olivia Cooke‘s character was, but I love her and her eyes, and it had to be said

Spielbergo, I’m ready for more, player.  So why are you bothering with remaking West Side Story?  Are you too close to George Lucas to touch a Star Wars movie?  You wanna remake something?  REMAKE THE PREQUELS!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Player One is Ready for you today at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Dunkirk
Three Directions, Singular Styles
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

I am all for Christopher Nolan, and yet sometimes I am not.  Sometimes he hits it right, like his prestigious and tricky Prestige (still my personal fav of his). Other times he gets a lil too deceptive and heady, like with Inception.  Sometimes there’s good Battiness, and sometimes bad.  The guy always tries to make stellar work, as seen mos recently with Interstellar, and yet, for some reason, I don’t always look forward to what’s coming up next from him

I love movies.  I love film.  I love 35mm film being projected.  I want 35mm film to survive, and yet when I hear about Nolan pushing to keep it alive, I am somehow turned off by it and him.  Maybe it’s cause he seems so cocky and self-important.  Or thinks he’s the second coming of Stanley Kubrick.  Or maybe it’s cause he has such great hair.  Damn, I wish I had such hair!

Well, after watching his latest, very unpretentious, and mos excellent Dunkirk, I’m ready to let bygones be gone!

YOU DID IT CHRISTOPHER!!!!  You left all the overthinking and overdoing in the present and made very good by going back into the past!!!

Cause in the past, you can’t have buildings fold, or people walking on the ceiling, or Tom Hardy talking like he has 12838383 muzzles on his mouth.  Oh wait, you can!!

Anywho – what a fcuking show!!!  You learn NOTHING about this WWII battle, where English soldiers are practicality marooned on a French beach, while Germans have their way with them, but that’s OK.  I’m sure the actual soldiers on the beach (look how Captainy Kenneth Branagh looks!), and in the sky (oh, that Jack Lowden is a looker!) and in the sea (Mark Rylance, better at acting AND sailing than wearing hats) also had no clue as to what was going on either!!  And how can you better sympathize with your on-screen heroes when you know about as much as they do!  WE KNOW NOTHING!!!!  CEPT HOW RAD THIS MOVIE WAS!!!  AND WHAT INCREDIBLE SOUNDS WE DONE HEARD!!!  (if the movie only wins ONE Oscar, let it be for the sound one that awards achievement in HEXplosions and plane noises)

Juss so darn lucky to not have to fight in a war like these people did

Juss wish we were as lucky as Harry Styles is!  He’s so handsome!!!!  So fcuking fine looking that the ocean starts to ejaculate all over the beach anytime he’s near.  LOOK AT ALL THAT SEA FOAM!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Dunkirk is far from DUMBkirk at a theater near jews and white nationalists 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

the 88th Oscars waz a doozy, and a floozy.  here’s what truly won and lost…

Winners

Tracy Morgan IS The Danish Girl (who isn’t)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z-D2AMKYmo

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Tom Hardy’s wife - Charlotte Riley’s chest

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the calm and coolness that is Mark Ruffalo and his wink

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the return of Ali G  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YerpSOSt9kw

and how wife Isla Fisher snuck in the costume

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how they let the ‘Sound Editing’ and ‘Sound Mixing’ categories explain themselves with… sound!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlPX5Zkiw4Q

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Jacob Tremblay has arrived!! (with his parents)

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Academy President Cheryl Boone Isaacs‘ sexy-smart glasses

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Girl Scout cookies!

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Ashley Graham – is BREAST dressed of the night!

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Losers

any chance of Clueless being celebrated at future Academy Awards.  poor Stacey Dash

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Mad Max‘s costume designer and Oscar winner, Jenny Beavan, can’t dress herself, and no one claps for her

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Sofía Vergara renaming Son of Saul - Son of Saauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuul

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white people, Asian people, Hispanic people, Indian people, Native American people.  they all matter, cause every person matters!

this can all be solved by letting Kumail Nanjiani (and white person Kate McKinnon) host next year!

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Zodiac - it was also about journalism too (better than Spotlight), and it’s the best movie of the 21st century, and it still has zero Oscar wins or even nominations

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Mark Rylance‘s hair AND his dumb hat

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all the people who died and got zero love for dying – Abe Vigoda / Dick Van Patten / Anne Meara / Patrick Macnee / Jason Voorhees’ mom / Stand By Me‘s Milo Pressman / Ron Moody (was nominated for an Oscar for fcuks sake) / the guy who played Leaterface / Louis Jourdan / Taylor Negron / Amanda Peterson / Mary Ellen Trainor / Uggie / Mr Deltoid 

(see our ‘In Memoriam’ area for love) 

–

better suck next year

Bridge of Spies
Spies Like Them
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 141 min

Steven Spielberg knows history!  And how to turn histories into movies!!  And he knows how to direct Tom Hanks!!!  These things all come together (again) in the serviceably good enough Bridge of Spies, the duo’s fourth pairing, and probably the lesser of the four (Saving Private Ryan / Catch Me If You Can and yes, even less so than The Terminal, which is amazingly awesomely horribly cheesy awesome!!)

What do you know of Cold War spies?  Me, I knew the name  Francis Gary Powers (not to be confused with Gary US Bonds) and that he was in a U-2 spyplane, and there was an incident – it got shot down over the USSR, and boy he didn’t know how unlucky he was… to be back in the US, back in the US, back in the USSR!!!  Oh, and that the band U2 got their name from this plane!  Oh, and czech this – Bono’s daughter – Eve Hewson – is in the movie!!!!  It’s like U2 jr meets U-2 senior!!!

What I didn’t know is that we wanted to swap a Soviet spy caught in America (Rudolf Abel by way of chameleon Mark Rylance, who is also the best part of the movie) for FG Powers and that the trade couldn’t be administered directly by the US government, and so someone had to do it.  TOM HANKS!!!!  as James B Donovan!!!  HE DID IT!!!  Spoiler alert.  Ooops, history spoils everything, and to the victors go the spoils!!!  We won the Cold War!!  The trade of spies was like a tie, but Tom Hanks won our hearts!!!

Will you miss out if you skip out on this movie?  Probably not.  A nice 30 minute show on the incident should suffice.  + this is no Munich, which is the kinda history movies Señor Spielbergo should be making, instead of a warm and fuzzy cold war pic, or something wooden and predictable like Lincoln, which I forgot all about until I had write a review of Steven’s latest

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Spies Bridges the Cold War knowledge gap at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…