It
It Hits The Fan
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 135 min

I’ve never read Stephen King’s book It. My mom did and I remember her telling me the plot as a kid and it scared the living fcuk out of me. Then came the TV mini-series in 1990. It was SO beast!! Dude, Tim Curry as Pennywise? That’s like some first ballot hall of fame work right there!!! So of course I was on board with a movie version. And Chapter 1? FAN-FCUKING-TASTIC. I loved it. It’s like what Stranger Things wishes it was!  And OMG, Bill SkarsgÃ¥rd took Tim Curry’s torch to the next level clown scary a$$ shiz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

OK, enuff about chapter 1.  I want to join in on the fun everyone else is having.  I want to cast the adult kids for It Chapter 2!

I choose these all on my own, but I found out that other people and sites had similiar idears, and sometimes I even stole their photo mock-ups.  thanks/sorry!!

Beverly Marsh

Sophia Lillis – Amy Adams

Sophia actually looks more like Kristen Wiig, but she doesn’t have the heart and soul of Amy Adams, who is any easy choice for adult Bev.  If they don’t nab her, there’s always Jessica Chastain.  And if she’s not down, there’s always Bryce Dallas Howard

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Bill Denbrough

Jaeden Lieberher – Michael Sheen

There are probably 392394924 people who could play Bill, but why not have the adult version played by the guy who played Jaeden Lieberher’s father on Masters of Sex – Michael Sheen.  He’s one of our most gifted actors, and it would be a gift to see what he does as B-B-B-B-Bill

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Ben Hanscom

Jeremy Ray Taylor  –  Jeff Cohen

If you don’t remember, Ben gets thin and does well for himself as an adult.  So they should lure Chunk from Goonies back into acting!!!!  Jeff ‘Chunk’ Cohen is now a happy lawyer, but I think he’d come full circle here as svelte Ben.  I also saw someone choose Jerry O’Connell which would accomplish the same thing – chubby Verne from Stand By Me growns up and gets mad ripped! 

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Richie Tozier

Finn Wolfhard – Winona Ryder

I know Winona Ryder plays Will’s mom on Stranger Things, but she also sorta looks like she could be Mike Wheeler/Finn Wolfhard’s mom too!  So why not have her play an adult version of him in It 2???  Wait, you say she’s a woman and she’d be playing a man?  Dude, she’s looked like Lukas Haas for eons and probably could have played any role he ever had 328238238383 times betterer!!!

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Eddie Kaspbrak

Jack Dylan Grazer - Fred Savage

Since we’re getting creative AND stunted with our casting, why not make Fred Savage the adult Jack Dylan Grazer.  Wide-eyed and wimpy.  Plus there’d be a movie where Chunk and Kevin Arnold are friends!  It’s like my dream life!!!  Although, if we had the ability to time travel any actor in time to play the role, I’d go with Frankie Darro

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Mike Hanlon

Chosen Jacobs - Chadwick Boseman

I’m sorry, but Chadwick Boseman should be cast to play anyone and everyone.  He could play all 7 adults in It 2.  I mean, they should cast him to play David Duke and he’d fcuking nail it.  He would.  Chadwick Boseman is the best

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Stan Uris

Wyatt Oleff – David Moscow

You may have forgotten all about the kid who played the small version of Tom Hanks in Big, but I never did.  Probably cause one of my dear friends is his doppelganger, but juss cause you forgot about Josh Baskin/David Moscow doesn’t mean he can’t play Stan Uris.  And if you know anything about adult Stan Uris, you know that he may not have a lot of screentime, so David Moscow would be juss fine!!

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Home Again
You CAN Go Home Again, Especially When Your Parents Give You The Blueprints
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 97 min

The shiny apple doesn’t fall from the rom-com tree as writer/director Hallie Meyers-Shyer follows in her parents’ footsteps and delivers Home Again – a saccharine sweet debut that will surprise no one, and delight everyone at the same time.  Would you expect anything less from the kin of Nancy Meyers (What Women Want, It’s Complicated, The Intern) and Charles Shyer (Baby Boom, Father of the Bride I and II)???  No, we didn’t, and neither should you.  The torch hasn’t been fully passed yet, but it’s good to know that mushily digestible romantic comedies may be safe for another generation with Hallie and her DNA

Look, Home Again is about as groundbreaking as the discovery that lint exists in your bellybutton, but juss cause everything about this movie is obvious and oblivious to the way the things work in the real world, doesn’t mean that you won’t sit there the entire time with a smile plastered on your face, and all the women you know will be happily watching it for years to come on cable TV airings

Look, I care zero for Reese Witherspoon, and her plight in this movie about just turning 40, being recently separated from (the always charming even when smarmy) Michael Sheen, raising two (too adorable) daughters AND trying to get an interior design career off the ground, but throw in a GILF (Candice Bergen) and three homeless, hunky, aspiring filmmakers (Nat Wolff, Jon Rudnitsky, Pico Alexander) looking for a home (guess where they find a temporary home?????), and you have the recipe for a winning chick flick where they will probably end up singinging doo-wop or Van Morrison songs into the handle of a broom whilst sweeping the floor.  OK, so I was surprised a little, cause THEY DIDN’T SING INTO THE HANDLE OF A BOOM!!!  OR EVEN A MOP!!!  True women’s lib!  LIBERATING (MOVIE) WOMEN FROM SINGING INTO THE HANDLES OF THINGS!!

If you don’t think this is a step forward, THEN STEP OFF!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Home Again aint at your home, but at a theater near jews and white nationalists tomorrow!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2
Yawns Will Never Be Brokens!!!!!!!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 115 min

IT’S OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Spank god.  What a crap saga that there was.  Hope the girls really really really enjoyed it, cause everyone else with eyes and ears and any bit of sense knows that this was one giant waste of everything.  EVEN THE CREDITS WERE A WASTE OF CREDITS!!!!!!!!  How did I see every single one of these movies?  HOW!?!?!?!?  OK, we’ll admit that the first one was kinda fun, mainly cause there was…

VAMPIRE BASEBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but after Twilight 1, there was no more vampire baseball, and therefore no reason to care.  well, besides gawking at how hot Ashley & Jackson is were

we would rathBONE both of them, at the same time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  who wouldn’t?!????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????!!!??!

oh, so what about Breaking Yawn 2?  There were like Russian communist vampires and Irish vampires with worser Irish accents than the president of the Irish Spring Soap Company LLC LTD.  There are also like Amazon vampires, and like Arab vampires, and they’ve come from all corners of the world to help Bella (why does everyone and their mother and their mother and their mother have to help her?  WHO CARES ABOUT BELLA!?!?!??!  IF YOU LET HER DIE EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE!!!) and Edward’s daughter Renesmiameassance festival live and not die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Who wants her dead?  Oh, the Voltrons of Vatican Vampire City, who are led by Michael Sheen, who is so campy that he’s opening a summer camp of campy, but it’s nowhere near as campy or queer or awesomes as the summer campy camper van beethoven he brought in TRON 2

THIS JUST IN – TRON 2 WAS FCUKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this earth is so wrong that there’s like 9 Twilight movies and only 2 TRON movies!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: who cares, cause no vampire baseball = not worth rating

Twilight IS OVER, at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Midnight In Paris
Well-Oiled Chime Machine
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 100 min

TRON: Legacy
Mild Digital Penetration
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

You should care less what we, you and everyone we bloat thinks of the TRON sequel, delivered 28 years after its first light cycle. Only one man’s opinion counts and that’s Tron Guy‘s.  Slain and pimple, he loved the first one, and the rest of us didn’t really.  That’s what qualifies him above us, and he could straight-up tell us whether the 2.0 disc hits the target or strayed too far off the grid.  But Disney wanted nothing to do with Jay Maynard and his male camel toe, 5reals, and we haven’t yet heard him have his say even with that jilt, T-Guy still found the new one to be ‘In-f****ing-credible‘.  Do you really need to know anything else?  Do you????  You don’t cause nothing else matters but that man’s opinion, and happiness [his full review is HERE!!!]

But you want our opinion, right?  And?  And juss like the original, it’s breathtakingly boring.  Not necessarily a misfire, but not necessarily setting our minds ablaze (getting blazed before a showing is recommended).  In a byte-shell, it’s TRON 1 with better turb-grafx times 16.  That’s that.  OK, it’s a little bit more than that, like this…

Jeff Bridges is stuck in an old computer, but the computer aint no Jessica Tandy anymore, and so instead of doing stuff, he lives like an Obi-Wan-Lebowski hermit, cause his younger alter ego self runs shiz, and he has a clue, cause his name is Clu, and ya know what, it’s purty ammazin how far CGI has come from the Jar Jar stinkage to the curious case of Jeffrey Buttons’ younging in Legacy (see above photo)

so while Obi-Wan-Lebowski Flynn plots his next move, he engages in a lot of yoga and hangs out in a 2001 style glowing cave home

and occasionally, he’ll take a trip to the big A.I. city to catch his favorite discus team, The TRON Toe Maple Leafs!!!

but he stays away from the shady bars filled with overly hammy and overly glammy David Bowie fanatics like Michael Sheen, or something

but why would he want to stay home since Daft Punk isn’t playing there, cause they’re playing at the shady bar, that’s a lot less shady than the one filled with death stickers!!!!  btw, Daft Punk were the bestest characters in the whole movie.  9reals!!!  And anytime we hear their score used in the film, we sorta care about those bits, and when we don’t, we don’t.  if there’s one reason TRON 2 had to eggist, it was so that we the people could see what it would look like if Daft Punk DJed in the world of TRON!!!!!

and at the Daft Punk party, there are like wicked hot Metropolis machine-man women (below, Beau Garrett) that you’ll want to make love to, but they’re all about the 1s & 0s and less about 69s (it’s a Disney movie, for Pete’s dragon’s sake!)

but that matters little to Obi-Wan-Lebowski, cause his bland son Garrett Hedlund transported into the computer by way of his Dad’s old arcade that isn’t as dope as Funspot, but what is?  you can even play TRON there!!  (note to you-self: GO TO FUNSPOT b4 you die)

and so dad & son are finally reunited, and both totally want to get wet & Olivia Wilde with her faux-Louis Brooks do, and the three of them have to like save discs and get back to the real world or else!!! or something!!!!

but where’s Tron from TRON?  We see Scarecrow (Bruce Boxleitner), but only in the real world.  in the Tandy world, he’s there, but he isn’t, but he is.  And where’s Cindy Morgan????  Is Cindy the real Mrs King?

and what is the deal with James Frain being a 7th rate Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg???

The end!  OR IS IT??????????????

Oh wait, did we mention that Doogie Howser’s mom was in it?

Punk’d: there were a lot of fake Daft Punk TRON tunes floating about over the past year, and some of them were hactually really darn good

Verdictgo: how you feel about 1 will dictate how you feel about 2, and thus, for eye poppin technical wizardry alone, we say low low low low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

TRON legates at a theater near jews this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…