Viola Davis

Naomie Harris

Nicole Kidman

Octavia Spencer

Michelle Williams

Moonlight
This Boy’s Life In Three Acts
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 110 min

I usually don’t start these reviews by displaying the movie’s poster, let alone TWO posters, but not one picture can fully capture what’s going on in Barry Jenkins‘ Moonlight – a tale of a(n African-American) boy becoming a (gay) man, told in three acts, like these posters can!

Act I was fantastic.  The boy – known as ‘Little’ (Alex R Hibbert) – is too shy to even speak – speak about not fitting in with the other boys, or what’s going on/wrong with his strung-out mom (Naomie Harris – trolling hardcore for Oscar bait, but I didn’t take the bait).  He finds solace in the hands and home of a drug dealer with a heart of gold (an incredible Mahershala Ali) and his beautiful lady friend (the beautiful singer Janelle Monáe, making her screen debut)

Life moves on… to Act II, which perhaps is even more fantastic than Act I was, where ‘Little’ now goes by ‘Chiron’, his birth name.  This high school version of the boy is still a fragile egg, but at least he has a better understanding of how the world works… apparently working against him.  His mom’s even more of a mess than before, and he still can’t fit in with the boys, cause he likes boys, but not ready to let that part of him out.  This version is played by Ashton Sanders, who holds the weight of his character’s sh!tty world mightily on his shoulders.  Sanders reminds me a lot of another up-and-comer - Keith Stanfield.  I’d love to see the two in a movie together (but not a buddy-cop one)

The third Act, where our boy is now a man, and goes by the name ‘Black’ (the 50 Cent-looking Trevante Rhodes), is important to the character’s arc, but not nearly as interesting or impactful as the previous two acts.  He finally comes to terms with who he truly is, and reunites with a former classmate, who we’ve also seen grow alongside him in each act (this final iteration played by the forver smiling André Holland).  It’s nice to see the two find peace with themselves and one another, but this final act is basically watching one long slow-a$$ scene of two dudes having dinner in a diner

Moonlight certainly shines, but could have been a bit more brighter, and a bit more fuller than the waxing gibbous that it ultimate is

Worth checking out – Jenkins’ previous feature/his debut – Medicine for Melancholy

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Moonlight rises, currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom
Turning The Apartheid
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 139 min

Nelson Mandela is quite the character, having previously been played by likes of Sidney Poitier(!), twin Morgan Freeman (in the blah Invictus), Terrence Howard, Danny Glover, and Dennis Haysbert (Denzel gets a pass cause he played Steve Biko in Cry Freedom).  We have not seen all these incarnations, but all MUST pale in comparison to what Idris Elba did, walking mighty mighty tall in Mandela’s shoes (IT’S A ‘LONG WALK’ PUN, SORTA!!!).  It won’t happen, but Elba deserves the Best Actor statue (yes, even over Hanks or any of the other dudes who played people getting beaten by white people or the ocean) for his work in Justin Chadwick‘s clean and crisp and really darn good (enuff) Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom.  Mandela’s life has so much ground to cover that it could spawn and be spread over 10+ movies (hence his national rugby team supporting got its own movie), but Chadwick and writer William Nicholson do a quality job of covering all the bases and dropping all the key people/places/things right before our eyes, in under 2 hours and 30 minutes of perspiration and inspiration.  Credit Naomie Harris too (I’d like to spend 28 days later and like 28 years with her!!!), who embodies the character of Mandela’s long-suffering from a distance wife Winnie.  The former Mrs ‘dela has also been played by a wide array of ladies – most recently by Jennifer Hudson and the brilliant Sophie Okonedo.  Haven’t seen their performances either, but assuming Jennifer Hudson singing Dreamgirls tunes in South Africa won’t lead to a second trip to the Oscar podium.  Again, don’t know if it will happen, but Harris should get the Supporting Actress statue this year.  Anywho, take the shortest walk you can to a theater near you playing this, and remember, you have the freedom that Mandela didn’t, so go ahead, get the biggest popcorn and soda you can order, juss cause you can!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Walk this way, currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Skyfall
M Mmmmm Good
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 143 min

BOND IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN HIS BESTEST ADVENTURE YET!  Not really, cause no Bond movie can complete with Bond getting married AND curling, but hey, Bond flick #23 – Skyfall aint no Quantum of Whateverness, but then again it aint no Casino Royal with cheese, but then again then again then again then again

So what is Skyfall?  Skyfall istelf is actually a something, a something we won’t spoil for you, but it hactually holds meaning, instead of being a something stupid like whatever the Quantum of Solange was is.  Oh, you want to know?  OK, Skyfall is the nickname of M/Judi Dench‘s cavernous vagina

No, but seriously, Skyfall the movie (not Skyfall the person/place or thing) is one of the more straightforward Bond flicks of recent memory.  There’s no needless & endless razzle dazzle, juss a much more simplistic, linear story that goes from point A to point B without being point-less.  Bond flicks these here days have to compete with the frantic Bourne series, but Sam Mendes & co decided not to go all Bourne again, and instead went with more of a Christopher Nolan – Batman route, exploring more of the personal side of Jamesly Bond and those who support him.  M is like Alfred, and Skyfall is like… !??#??#!???

If you’ve been dying for a Bond flick to take place mainly on the British Isles, well then, Skyfall is the Bond you have always been waiting for!  Sure, there are other locales – the opening Istanbul stuff with roof radness taken straight from Taken 2 + some Blade Runnery video buildings in Shanghai + some sultry, well-lit, well-lanterned, well-bobbed casino action in Macau + some Chernobyl-like deserted island, but this Bond and this Bond film works its mojo very mojoly back on home turf!!  Above ground, underground, in and around the actual Underground, MI6, MI7, and much moors!!  That spelling is on purpose, but we can’t tell you much MOORS than that.  SKYFALL!!! ROSEBUD!!!

So, how’s Bond he-self?  Daniel Craig is smooth sailing in his 3rd outting.  He’s gruff, he’s tough, and he can deliver the cheesy one-liners with a smirk and not look like a total jerk.  He’s a great Bond.  We loves him.  Who cares if he’s 4 foot tall

So, how’s the bad guy and his schemes?  Javier Bardem as Silva is super blonde and super gay and super strange and super great.  Of course he is, he’s Javier Bardem.  As for his character, he’s interesting, but not eggzactly fascinating.  Bardem does his best with him, but he’s mainly juss some guy who looks like a muppet with blonde eyebrows who hates Judi Dench, and who would hate Judi Dench?  WHO??!?!?!?

So, what about the Bond girls?  You already met them, but you don’t know anything about them besides them being sexy playthings for Bond to gawk at and sometimes touch.  There’s secret agent/secret hotness Naomie Harris, who everyone fell for in 28 Days Later, but really hasn’t made much of a mark since then.  She’s on team Bond, and she bonds with Bond, and Gold Bonds his balls.  Sorta, not really, but she’s cool and they HINTTTTTTTTT at her sticking around in the future, which is great, cause I said so.  As for an actual main Bond girl gal, the part French, part Khmer-Chinese exotic hotty Bérénice Marlohe sultrysizes up the screen in her brief, but steamy screen time.  There’s not much for her to do here besides give pissed off looks with her mouth, but we do sorta get to see her shower!  SORTA!!

So, what about the other people?  There’s Ralph Fiennes, who always plays a smug a$$hole in movies, and here he plays a smug a$$hole, but maybe he’s a smug a$$hole with a secret nice side!  Anywho, he doesn’t do much cept doubt Dame Judi, but maybe he secretly wants to sky fall into her Skyfall vagina.  Then there’s Albert Finney.  All we will tell you about him is that he’s in this movie, and bearded, and he still has the greatest blowhardy voice in acting.  I hope he never dies.  He will, but maybe he can DIE ANOTHER DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!  And then there’s the new Q - Ben Whishaw, who has the greatest voice in acting, period!  exclamation point!   HOW CAN WE HAVE SEX WITH HIS VOICE!!!!  So, one would think that Q would pop up for like ten seconds to give Bond 10 gadgets and then disappear til the next movie, BUT THAT’S NOT THE CASE!!!  This movie has more Q & M and Ps & Qs and A&P & A&W action than all the other Bond movies combined!!!!!!!!!!  Maybe!!!!!

So, what are you waiting for to sky fall into Dame Judi Dench’s cavernous skyfall vagina???  You never know if you’ll get the chance to do so EVER again!!!!!

oh, and upon further reflection – the Adele theme song is fcuking fantastic, although the opening title sequence was 1/2 rad, and 1/2 bad

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Skyfall LANDS in a theater near jews this Friday!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

yep, a new Bond movie (Skyfall) = a new set of Bond girls to fap to!

Eve

Naomie Harris

Sévérine

Bérénice Marlohe

Clair Dowar MP

Helen McCrory

Vanessa (M’s Assistant)

Elize du Toit

Bond’s Beach Lover

Tonia Sotiropoulou

Floating Dragon Cashier

Yennis Cheung

M’s Inquiry Assistant

Dominique Anne Jones

Commuter (uncredited)

Amber Elizabeth

London Whitehall Commuter (uncredited)

Senem Temiz

(uncredited)

Nichola Fynn

Silva

Javier Bardem

Q

Ben Whishaw