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lyrical gangster

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he stuck his hand up Count’s butt

he LAPPED it up

burning monk capturerer

thIgh-MAX co-inventorer

EbertS (not to be confused with Thighsbart)

he went SOUTH

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he was a Fonzi

Dobie brother

some Duke guy who probably sucks cause he went to Duke

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THE PREACHER FROM TRUE STORIES & PRINCIPAL FROM HEATHERS!!!

HEATHERS PRINCIPAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we are beyond unprepared for this upcoming NFL season. probably has something to do with being distracted by the NatsBatsStats and bobs, but that aint gonna stop us from making half-assed guesses as to what’s going to happen in the NFL this year!!!!

NFC

Washington Redskins start training. Washington, DC August 28th, 1937  [via LoC]

NFC EAST

We can no longer doubt the greatness of the Giants (9-7), who have been to the Super Bowl 3 times since 2001, and won it all twice.  Doesn’t mean we have to like it, or them, and we never will, and they will once again reign ‘supreme’ in the NFC Least again, leaving the Vick pricked Eagles (8-8) and lame-o Romo-ed Cowboys (8-8) to be less awful than the RGIIIed Redskins (5-11). When does RGIV happen?

NFC NORTH

The North is where all the hot NFC action will be this fall, and the Lions (11-5) will be the hottiest, roaring their way to a division crown for the first time since 1993. Yep, the Wayne Fontes era!!! The reunited hothead combo of Cutler & Marshall will push the Bears (9-7) into the playoffs, while the Packers (9-7) and Vikings (8-8) get close, but no cigars in vaginas

NFC SOUTH

The Saints (10-6) won’t be beheading anyone this fall, but they will be using Bounty paper towels to quicker pick themselves up and win the division, again. Boringzzzz. Well, nothing’s more boring than the Falcons (8-8), but instead of losing in the 1st round of the playoffs, as per usual, they won’t make it in at all, paving the way for Cam Newton & the Panthers (9-7) to bring the most excitement to Charlotte since they got light rail. Oh, and the Bucs (6-10) will sux

NFC WEST

These aren’t your Bill Walsh 49ers (10-6), but even if they were your Steve Mariucci 49ers, they would still have no problem keeping the dregs of the NFL, the Seahawks (7-9), Cardinals (6-10) & Rams (4-12), dreg-legged

Seeds:
#1 Lions
#2 49ers
#3 Saints
#4 Giants
#5 Bears
#6 Panthers

NFC Champs: the 49ers will top the Lions(!!!!!!!!!!), and Wayne Fontes will order Take Out fonts

AFC

AFC EAST

Apparently if you’re a team from Miami with a reality show, your team is not very good. Sorry Dolphins (5-11), maybe some other year, like never. The Jets (8-8) have their own reality show, but it’s actual reality, and no one wants to watch it.  The Bills (10-6) will make the Jills cheer a lot, but the Patriots (13-3) are the Patriots and so the Patriots will be the Patriots

AFC NORTH

How are the Browns (3-13) ever going to compete with the Ravens (8-8), Steelers (9-7) or even the Bengals (8-8)?  They won’t, and remain one of 4 teams to never make it to the Super Bowl. America has a lot of problems, and this is the biggest one of them allszz!!!

AFC SOUTH

Colts (6-10) no longer have to suck for Luck, as they will mostly suck with Luck, at least this year, but then again, maybe they won’t. But they probably will, which will once again leave the keys to the division in the hands of the Texans (10-6), while the Blabber Gabberted Jaguars (5-11) and meat Lockered Titans (7-9) make minor blips on a radar no one’s monitoring

AFC WEST

How is Norv Turner still the coach of the Chargers (8-8)? Will this finally be the year he breaks through… back into the unemployment line???? Yes, as the competition is as stiff as Peyton’s neck in a Broncos (8-8) helmet, while the Chiefs (9-7) and Raiders (11-5), yes RAIDERS, take over as top dawgs

Seeds:
#1 Patsies
#2 Raiders
#3 Texans Toast
#4 Steelers
#5 Bill$
#6 Chiefs

AFC Champs: Patriots are the Patriots, but that’s not enuff, as the Texans will be saying, ‘Houston, we DON’T have a problem!’

Super Bowl: San Francisco 28, Houston 24

Super Bowl MVP: Randy Moss???????? stranger things have happened, AND THEY WILL!!!!!!!!!!

perv-iously

Nikki Sixxxxx Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

&

normally this space is reserved for Meaaagggaaan Gooooddde Hooters pics, but we ran out of them, and since there’s now a faux Tessa SeaGal (in place of THE REAL ONE), here’s our new flavroite SeaGal

Brita!!!!

9ever my favorite merton

sorry kids, we normally dedicate our NFL season predictions and photoshop nightmares to two posts, but we’re on vacation, with little time and no access to photshop, so this thing is gonna be semi-half-assed.  apologies, but not really, cause if yer getting yer NFL predications from Thighland, yer obviously not a golfer

NFC

NFC EAST

It’s hard to pick a team that we love to hate cause they’ve never won a Super Bowl (HAAAA HAAAA!!!) and employ a dog killer, but The Eagles (14-2) should have little problem taking care of the over-injured Giants (8-8), the Garrett-topped Cowboys (7-9) or the ready to not be a disaster, but may be a disaster Redskins (7-9).  While we hope that doesn’t happen, we do hope that the Giants do well enuff to continue to keep ole man Coughlin as their joke, we mean coach, and Eli Manning as their joke, we mean QB

NFC NORTH

A lot of folks are high on Matty Stats and the Lions (4-12) this year, but wethinks these peoples forgots that they’re the Lions and Barry Sanders would rather retire with much gas left in the tank than play for that franchise.  The Vikings (5-11) won’t be that much better off with McScabb leading the charge, but stranger things have happened… like his ability to sometimes NOT throw passes into the ground.  How much longer will the Cutler diabetes experiment last in Bears (8-8) land?  Probably about as long as his engagement.  If The Packers (11-5) can’t win the division, well, then they don’t deserve to win jack sh#t.  But they have Jesus in a helmet and you don’t f$@k with the Jesus… in a helmet

NFC SOUTH

The South is where it’s at.  It’s kinda like what the NFC Beast used to be, but with warmer locales and smaller TV audiences.  But the limelight matters not to the division that will send its champ, The Saints (12-4), and two Wild Cards, The Falcons (11-5) and The Bucs (8-8), to the pay-offs.  That leaves The Panthers (2-14) to wallow in their own Cam Newton poop, which will be like the second-coming of that other roar-less Auburn Tiger, Jason Campbell.  Lets say the Panthers were the most stacked team in the league.  Even if they were, we’d still pick them to finish last.  That’s what they and their horrid jerseys and color scheme deserve

NFC WEST

Someone has to win this, right?  Aint gonna be the Tarvar-is-not Jackson led Seahawks (5-11), the we got Andrew Luck’s coach and will want the actual Andrew Luck next year, we wish you luck 49ers (4-12), and shockingly, not the Brads/Spags Rams (4-12).  It’s all about Kolb, who will be hotttttb and his Cardinals (9-7) will sorta look like the team that was in the Super Bowl a few years back.  Maybe.  Either way, we pray Kolb’s lady of interest doesn’t look like Kurt Warner’s wife

Seeds:
#1 Iggles
#2 Nawlins
#3 Pack Attack
#4 Zona
#5 Falcunts
#6 Bucsssxxx

NFC Champs: Philly will go far, but New Orleans will show them that hurricanes are more sympathetic and less pathetic than redeemed dog killers

AFC

AFC EAST

The Jets (7-9) can walk the walk, but they’re too much talk, and Dirty Sanchez’ dirty diaper smelling play will have em crawling back to mediocre-ville.  Plaxico won’t add a shot in the arm, but more shots in the pants.  BANG!  SNAP!!  The Dolphins (4-12) will not sirprize, but thinking the Bills (8-8) might, which will make the Buffalo Jills and their fans’ nipples hard.  Just thinking about it is making our nipples hard!  That leave the Patriots (12-4) to do what the Patriots do, win a lot, making Boston fans even more annoying, and making the rest of us even more annoyed at the annoyingness abound

AFC NORTH

We predict that the North will be the tightest division in the NFL this year.  Punching bags like the Browns (8-8) and Bengals (8-8) will end up being punchy instead of punch-lines.  We know, that sounds recockolous, but then again, so does naming a planet Uranus.  And yet Baltimore (9-7) and the Steelers (9-7) will remain the belles of this ball, and both will return to the playoffs… where the Ravens will still be unable to get past the Burgh.  Speaking of, the Eagles fans may be the worst, but the Steelers fans are the lamest.  All of them became fair weather fans in the 70s and now there’s a new generation of them after their past decade of goodness.  Them losing the Super Bowl was one of the best things to happen.  Moral? Rape never wins

AFC SOUTH

The giant question mark that is Peyton Manning’s health, and thus making a possible Manning-less Colts (8-8) dolts could make this division a little less snoozy-Q than usual.  Will this finally be the year when the doors go thighs wide open for the Texans (10-6)?  Yes!  If not, it’s time to rename them the Oilers and spread the derricks everywhere like it was Bayside High.  The Jaguars (5-11) and The Titans (4-12) will do nothing that anyone will remember, so don’t try and remember the Titans or the Jaguars, just the Alamo and WENN

AFC WEST

Hate this division, so they get the least of our choice words –  The Chargers (11-5) will bolt to the top of the division again, but the Raiders (8-8) won’t be as far behind as you think!  That leaves the Chiefs (7-9) and Broncos (4-12) to wonder what if… what if Norv Turner ever used Accutane???

Seeds:
#1 Pats me balls
#2 Chargerzz
#3 Texans, Houstons
#4 The Burgh
#5 Ravens, Nevermore
#6 Derrrr Raiders?????  why not

AFC Champs: in a total snooze-fest, Omar Epps will have his Steeler boys ready and able to take out Norv and his perennial playoff loser Bolts

Super Bowl: New Orleans 31, Pittsburgh 21

Super Bowl MVP: Drew Brees, again

Fantasy Outlook Shazz

Wees Loves (besides the obvious ones): Tim Hightower, Jimmy Graham, Kyle Orton, Reggie Wayne (he’ll still do damage, regardless of who his QB is), the Ravens D (soft schedule) and Nate Keading (duh)

Wees Hates He: Jets offense, Matt Forte, whoever the Saints’ kicker is, Giants D (whatever’s left of them), Sam Bradford and Percy Harvin

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: AJ Green, Greg Little, Beanie Wells, Chris Cooley, and Cool Chrissie

We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

and juss cause…

Andy Rooney and we are the same person

I like the month of January better than July because if I’m cold I can put on another piece of clothing, but in the summer, if it’s hot, there’s just so much I can take off.  I like vanilla better than chocolate,  football better than baseball, the color green better than blue, women in skirts better than in pants, non-fiction better than fiction, and New York better than Los Angeles. I don’t object to cutting my fingernails, but I hate cutting my toenails.

from his article: I Prefer My Preferences