Lombardi
Circle In The Square Theater
Official Website

Kevin Arnold’s dad was always angry, and often very loud about it.  In a new Broadway play based on some of legendary Green Bay Packer coach Vince Lombardi’s life, Kevin Arnold’s dad embodies his huge body, and mouth, and it’s a perfect match made on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field.  But is it the perfect play?  Don’t ask us, as we see about one show every 2 years (cause plays are usually boring AND a giant waste of money), and most of them are cheesy musicals.  There’s no music here, but it’s cheesy lessthenone.  And juss how theatrical could a play about football actually be?  Brian’s Song is one thing, but gritty gridironer Lombardi doesn’t exactly lend himself to tense drama, especially since you know the guy was a proven winner, and didn’t have much adversity, unless you count being married to a tuff broad played by Judith Light, who takes her turn playing the boss of their household!  Still, it’s only 90 minutes, and it’s about football, and it’s not supergay, and we love Kevin Arnold’s dad, even if he was a giant assjerk, but if lame-o Kevin and annoying Wayne were our kids, we’d be a giant jerkass too!!

Lombardi kicks a field goal starting October 21st

bonus: Jack Arnold, Winnie & Paul reunite (in 2008)!!!

Peace The Forks Out
To

Bernard
‘Tony! Toni! Toné! Curtis’
Schwartz

1925 – 2010

&

George Frederick
‘Never Bland, Duh!’
Blanda

1927 – 2010

+ (some long long long long overdueskies)

another grave for a Redgrave

Jiminy Cricket!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CREATOR OF THE GREATEST BOARD GAME EVER!!

Fess down

Edward James’ holmesboy!

Merlin was a wizard of Aaron’s Way!!!

Charlie of Angeldom

the most clueless one of them all

grave for Peter!

Jean with the good genes

his pen was mighter than his Arthur!

Soupystar

THE Rain Man

he spied

he Rohmered where he wanted to

he Chabrolled with the punches

RJDio

Roy E Disney!!!

Gumby daddy

Murthaf&cker!

Wicker Equalizer

man who ruined the Bullets name

did he write Death Story too?

Gates closed!!

Gates closed part 2!!

Greg the Insulter

Pistol Sexer

bottom Cat!

he Segwayed into death!

Royale w/Cheese hater!!!

BONER!!!!

Remoter Controler

Pez head

his bee was friszzz!!

the pimp daddy of my lower priced clothes!

Comic-Conzie

Sesame’s Olivia

that creepy fat lady with the creepy voice!

whistling Dixie

no, Dr!!!

how bizarre

his war made for a cheesy Tom Hanks movie!!

‘Forget it Jake. It’s Chinatown.‘

easy baker

the Munchkin coroner

ATMan

Twins logoerer

he indirectly gave you diarrhea at least once!

him too?

&

McClanahandjob!!!

wait, did we never do one for JD Salinger??!?!?!?!?!??!

we got yer NFC covered, and now it’s time for the l-A-me-FC.  seriously, is there anything less fun than this conference?  When will the Colts, Pats, Chargers and Steelers juss go away and leave us alone?  Probably snot anytime soon, like us talking about C-3PO’s metal junk, so away we a-whiskey a go-go boots…

AFC East

Poor poor Buffalo and their Bills (5-11).  Always a bridesmaid, and always the ugliest one of the lot.  We blame OJ.  The TO show came and went, the Lee Evans show must go on, but is Chan Gailey the man for the job?  What kind of a name is Chan anywaysz?  And where did he go when he was missing?  That leaves a three-way scrumble rumble tumble betweeneth the Patsies (8-8), Finsies (8-8) and the beyond over hyped Jetsies (9-7).  Does anyone even remember how the Jets made it into the playoffs last year?  Skin of their teeth, and by beating a resting Cincy, who apparently rested during the following Wild Card weekend.  And then beating San Diego?  The Bolts beat themselves more in the playoffs year after year than we beat off day after day to India Reynolds.  Anywho, the Pats are declining more than they’re climbing, and Tony Sparano won’t be getting a Chad Henne tattoo anytime soon (see above pic)

Boo-nus link: one of my favs via one of my fav Twittereses… Belichick in tiny 80s shorts, walking with LT & Parcells

AFC North

Ben Rosthenslpenis thinks he’s king of the world and of women’s pants, but that came to a crashing halt this offseason when one drunken gal finally said no.  We say his 4 game absence will hurt the Steelers (8-8) chances overall, and Omar Epps will have to think of other things to do in the off season, like The Mod Squad 2 or Alfie 2.  Des Bengals (7-9) will return to earth this year, although they should be better with TO in the mix.  Guess it comes down to whether Carson Palmer is up to the task or not.  Would be thighlarious if he got benched in favor of his bro and teammate Jordan.  Des Browns (8-8) will be much improved with the Walrus in tow, but need to dump Man-not-so-genius before improving to the point of actual playoff berthedness.  It’s all about Baltimore (10-6), who need something to cheer about now that the US version of Skins said kiss their shirts!

Boo-nus link: Troy Polamalu’s hair is insured for a cool mil, but its beauty is priceless.  here be a slideshow of other over-the-top insurance policies

AFC South

Colts (13-3)?  Snoresville.  They’re a waste of space.  Peyton already got his one ring, lost his chance at a second, and so to stay a step below Favre, where he belongs, he should just quit and become a TV pitchman permanently.  We need him to do this now more than ever, with a nation still unable to get over Billy Mays’ passing.  As for the Texas Texans (10-6), they will finally break their playoff cherry, and they better, cause we’ve been saying this for the past 3 seasons, but it will happen cause Jacoby Jones is the bestest Jacoby since Joe Jacoby.  Hell, even the Titans (10-6) will be remembered this year.  With TD and food vulture LenWhale White gones, Chris Johnson will set a single-season NFL record of 29,229 rushing yards, 983 TDs, and he’ll even end up kicking 2 FGs in one game after Rob Bironas is forced to sit out with a bironas lasting more than 8 hours.  Some might say the greatest utility man since José Oquendo!  And what of the Jackmeoff Jags-offs (3-13)? Who flippin cares.  Crash and burn, and hopefully moves somewhere else so they can get rid of those dreadful colored jerseys!  LA doesn’t deserve sh$t, so we say move the team to Seattle, to make up for the Sonics being gone, even if that would give the city 2 football teams.  C’mon, how cool would that be?

Boo-nus link: Jeff Saturday was born on June 18, 1975.  sadly, that means he was born on a Wednesday.  here’s a report on what Prez Gerald Ford did on that very same day!

AFC West

We wish someone would topple the Norv & his underachieveing Chargers (10-6), cause they always blow it, and blow in general but this won’t be that season.  How is Norv STILL a head coach, in ANY sport?  LT and his 1.2 yds per carry BS are gone and in his place is Ryan Matthews, a guy who will tear it up so dang hard that no one will have a hard time 5getting about LaDayNay, and he might even get the womens fans out there to forget about Ryan Reynolds.  The Broncos (8-8) won’t give their fans postmature emasculation, like they did with last year’s 6-0 start, and 2-8 finish (YIKES), and may actually do the opposite – be crappy early, and scrappy later on.  Whatever the Chiefs (8-8) and Raiders (6-10) will do this year, won’t be as forgettable as the one before, and that’s that (we don’t even want to bother wasting another moment of our fingertips’ life writing about Jason Campbell)

Boo-nus Norv pic: can never get enuff of hatin on Norv, especially with these Jim Jones style glasses

Seeds:
#1 Colts 45s (13-3)
#2 Quoth The Ravens (10-6)
#3 Chargers (10-6)
#4 Der Jets (9-7)
#5 Titans (10-6)
#6 Texans (10-6)

AFC Champs: The Texans will make like the very wild Giants of a few years back and slay a few giants on the road (the charge-less Chargers, division mates Indy, and then the tuffy Ravens) on the way to the Super Bowl, which aint too far from home in Dallas!

Super Bowl: Packers 35, Houston 22

Super Bowl MVP: Donald Driver!???

Fantasy Outlook AFC Shazz

Wees Loves (besides the obvious ones): Brandon Marshall BIG TIME, Terrell Owens, Ryan Matthews (he’ll be a top 5 back by year’s end), CJ Spills, Owen Daniels on the mend, and My Bironas!

Wees Hates He: Dirty Sanchez, Dwayne Bowe, the Pats running game (does anyone like em?), any member of the Titan offense that isn’t Chis Johnson and anything in Denver

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: Lee Evans (no one is drafting him), Dexter McCluster (will he be a WR, a RB, or just a better Reggis Bush?), Mohamed Massaquoi (all name team), Jermaine Gresham (eat that John Grisham!) and the Browns D (yes, you read that correctly)

peeweeviously:

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

and juss cause… although this time w/o Hooters garb!

go McNabb!!!!!!!!!

The World Cup was nice and all, and sure, we even like a da baseball again after a 10ish year hiatus, but there’s only one real sport worth caring about: FOOOOOTBALLSZZZ!!!! and it’s back, and so is our preview!!! C-3PO once said ‘here we go again‘, but he also has a metal penis, so take that for what tits worth…

NFC East

This division is not as good as it used to be, or that anyone makes it out to be.  It’s kinda like Lady Gaga, cept the NFC East has history and Lady Gaga has a whopping total of 1.5 albums.  Well, Gaga will go poop-poop soon (we pray to the lord, John Lennon, that that does happen), and these bruisers will poop-poop each other out of the playoff picture, cause we said so.  Somehow the Redskins (9-7) will top them all, and make the Eagles (8-8) pay dearly for dealing them McNabb (times have certainly changed, as we no longer refer to him as ‘McScabb’)… if he stays healthy the whole year.  That’s a big IF, but not as big as the movie If…..  The Cowboys (7-9) will be about as good as Jerry Jones was playing himself on Entourage.  As for the G-Wo-Men (8-8), one more smack to Eli’s Frankenstein stitched head and you can kiss their season goodbye & Tom Coughlin’s crypt-keeper face from the Giants sideline.  Although, as a Skins fan, we hope he sticks/stinks around cause he blows more than The 400 Blows Part III!!!!

Boo-nus link: watch some dude rub a microphone on Albert Haynesworth’s face, at LenWhale White’s b-day party

NFC North

Vikes (13-3) or the Pack (11-5)?  Favre or the dude who took his job, Jesus in a helmet?  Both will make the payoffs, and hopefully sex-boat parties will be had by all.  The Lions (6-10) won’t be as awful as recent times (or their new look logo & unis) would suggest, and we secretly love them, but mainly cause of their all you can eat ticket option.  And what about the Bears (5-11)?  It doesn’t matter if Mike Martz or a bag of farts is running that offense, cause Jay Cutler is more like Gay Smutler and it makes zero sense how he could bag someone like Kristin Cavallari or even somenone like Kristen Schaal, although we’d take on both at the same time.  How did this team make the Super Bowl a few years back?  Was Rex Grossman the secret weapon?  Is that the only time that has ever appeared in print/interwebs????

Boo-nus link: Ragnar might not be a household name to you and we, but that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t want to have the human Viking mascot show up at our Bar Mitzvah!

NFC South

The Saints (13-3) have gots it so good.  They come from the home of Popeyes, finally won the big game, and no one would ever root against them, cept hurricanes and people who hurt puppies.  They also happen to be in a division of stain shits.  The Panthers (6-10)?  Matt Moore = less.  The Bucs (4-12)?  Can you name their starting QB, RB, wideouts, or better yet, their coach?  That leaves the Falcons (9-7) to give the Who Datters the only competition they’ll get.  This division has purty colors, but bores us, and we have nothing more to say on the matter

Boo-nus link: we miss Jerry Glanville, but he has yet to leave us.  watch him plead his case to become the host of the Portland Music Awards

NFC West

This West is truly wild, like Jack Wild or that awesome old game show Joker’s Wild or Oscar Wilde riding Mr Toad’s Wild Ride while getting a mustache ride on Rollie Fingers’ fork/fu&kball.  THAT’S RIGHT Y’ALLLLL!!!!!  The 49ers (6-10) seem to be a bit overrated, don’t theys?  Sure, they have some key players, but they also have Alex Smith as their quarterback.  Smells like mediocrity to we.  The other three squads are all in some sorta transition, be it the Rams (6-10), who are taking a chance on rookie Samnmy Bradford, or the Cardinals (6-10), who handed their playbook over to Derek Anderson.  This being the same Derek Anderson who got run out of Browns town, yet is apparently better than Matt Leinart, which is like being better than scurvy.  Somehow, some way, the Seahawks (8-8) w/Pete Carroll running away from that USC mess, will get this NFL team to play like his old college team, which basically was an NFL team anywayszzzz, and make the big-little dance

Boo-nus link: breast news ever: TESSA IS BACK AS A SEAGAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seeds:
#1 Nawlins (13-3, the get the #1 by beating Mini in game 1!)
#2 Miniature Soda (13-3)
#3 Redskins (9-7??????????!!!)
#4 Seattle (8-8)
#5 Green Bay (11-5)
#6 The ATL (9-7)

NFC Champs: The Pack beat Seattle, Favre and then Brees to make it to the Super Bowl.  who will they play?  found out in our AFC Pee-view, coming soon and on your face!!

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Wees Loves (besides the obvious ones): Ryan Grant, Kellen Winslow, Santana Moss + the Favre & Visanthe Shiancoe combo

Wees Hates He: the Panthers offense, Larry Fitz, Matt Ryan & Tony Gonz, Percy Harvin and his headaches

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: Golden Tate, Brandon Jacobs, Brandon Pettigrew, Sam Bradford and anyone named Mike Williams

peeweeviously:

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

stay pooned for the AFC one!

and juss cause…

The Tillman Story
Apparently No One Can Handle The Truth
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Think you know the Pat Tillman story? YOU DON’T KNOW PAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! We didn’t either, and even after wading through director Amir Bar-Lev (My Kid Could Paint That) and writer Mark Monroe‘s (The Cove) searing AND MUSS MUSS MUSS SEE doc (with narration by Josh Brolin) on the man, much the myth and his open to interpretation legend, we still don’t know his whole story.  Tillman’s story is actually bigger than himself, and the story of the story goes all the way up a twisty and misleading path to Bush era 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, and it’s head-scratching and head-shaking, and is juss an all around excellent piece about a dead solider and his incredible family who will never rest in peace as they search for answers to questions that no one wants to answer

The sad irony of Pat Tillman’s story and the story of the doc itself is the unwanted attention paid to his life and deeply unfortunate friendly-fired death.   His employers, the Army, naturally took advantage of his stature and notoriety and exploited it for their own gains, and covered-up the not so good bits.  What follows are more poor decisions, redactions, then the family’s strong reactions and determination to right the government’s wrongs.  And yet if Tillman wasn’t someone of a certain celebrity, would this documentary even exist and reach a (hopefully) sizable audience?  Would people care as much if the same exact story was being told about an unknown soldier?  Questions to ponder fo sho, but this baby’s already in the can and you need to let it out like Prince Albert

Friday Night Rights: lets remember the good times too, and watch this highlight reel of Tillman’s high school playing days

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Tillman scores in NY & LA tomorrow and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…