we are beyond unprepared for this upcoming NFL season. probably has something to do with being distracted by the NatsBatsStats and bobs, but that aint gonna stop us from making half-assed guesses as to what’s going to happen in the NFL this year!!!!

NFC

Washington Redskins start training. Washington, DC August 28th, 1937  [via LoC]

NFC EAST

We can no longer doubt the greatness of the Giants (9-7), who have been to the Super Bowl 3 times since 2001, and won it all twice.  Doesn’t mean we have to like it, or them, and we never will, and they will once again reign ‘supreme’ in the NFC Least again, leaving the Vick pricked Eagles (8-8) and lame-o Romo-ed Cowboys (8-8) to be less awful than the RGIIIed Redskins (5-11). When does RGIV happen?

NFC NORTH

The North is where all the hot NFC action will be this fall, and the Lions (11-5) will be the hottiest, roaring their way to a division crown for the first time since 1993. Yep, the Wayne Fontes era!!! The reunited hothead combo of Cutler & Marshall will push the Bears (9-7) into the playoffs, while the Packers (9-7) and Vikings (8-8) get close, but no cigars in vaginas

NFC SOUTH

The Saints (10-6) won’t be beheading anyone this fall, but they will be using Bounty paper towels to quicker pick themselves up and win the division, again. Boringzzzz. Well, nothing’s more boring than the Falcons (8-8), but instead of losing in the 1st round of the playoffs, as per usual, they won’t make it in at all, paving the way for Cam Newton & the Panthers (9-7) to bring the most excitement to Charlotte since they got light rail. Oh, and the Bucs (6-10) will sux

NFC WEST

These aren’t your Bill Walsh 49ers (10-6), but even if they were your Steve Mariucci 49ers, they would still have no problem keeping the dregs of the NFL, the Seahawks (7-9), Cardinals (6-10) & Rams (4-12), dreg-legged

Seeds:
#1 Lions
#2 49ers
#3 Saints
#4 Giants
#5 Bears
#6 Panthers

NFC Champs: the 49ers will top the Lions(!!!!!!!!!!), and Wayne Fontes will order Take Out fonts

AFC

AFC EAST

Apparently if you’re a team from Miami with a reality show, your team is not very good. Sorry Dolphins (5-11), maybe some other year, like never. The Jets (8-8) have their own reality show, but it’s actual reality, and no one wants to watch it.  The Bills (10-6) will make the Jills cheer a lot, but the Patriots (13-3) are the Patriots and so the Patriots will be the Patriots

AFC NORTH

How are the Browns (3-13) ever going to compete with the Ravens (8-8), Steelers (9-7) or even the Bengals (8-8)?  They won’t, and remain one of 4 teams to never make it to the Super Bowl. America has a lot of problems, and this is the biggest one of them allszz!!!

AFC SOUTH

Colts (6-10) no longer have to suck for Luck, as they will mostly suck with Luck, at least this year, but then again, maybe they won’t. But they probably will, which will once again leave the keys to the division in the hands of the Texans (10-6), while the Blabber Gabberted Jaguars (5-11) and meat Lockered Titans (7-9) make minor blips on a radar no one’s monitoring

AFC WEST

How is Norv Turner still the coach of the Chargers (8-8)? Will this finally be the year he breaks through… back into the unemployment line???? Yes, as the competition is as stiff as Peyton’s neck in a Broncos (8-8) helmet, while the Chiefs (9-7) and Raiders (11-5), yes RAIDERS, take over as top dawgs

Seeds:
#1 Patsies
#2 Raiders
#3 Texans Toast
#4 Steelers
#5 Bill$
#6 Chiefs

AFC Champs: Patriots are the Patriots, but that’s not enuff, as the Texans will be saying, ‘Houston, we DON’T have a problem!’

Super Bowl: San Francisco 28, Houston 24

Super Bowl MVP: Randy Moss???????? stranger things have happened, AND THEY WILL!!!!!!!!!!

perv-iously

Nikki Sixxxxx Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

&

normally this space is reserved for Meaaagggaaan Gooooddde Hooters pics, but we ran out of them, and since there’s now a faux Tessa SeaGal (in place of THE REAL ONE), here’s our new flavroite SeaGal

Brita!!!!

we got yer NFC covered, and now it’s time for the l-A-me-FC.  seriously, is there anything less fun than this conference?  When will the Colts, Pats, Chargers and Steelers juss go away and leave us alone?  Probably snot anytime soon, like us talking about C-3PO’s metal junk, so away we a-whiskey a go-go boots…

AFC East

Poor poor Buffalo and their Bills (5-11).  Always a bridesmaid, and always the ugliest one of the lot.  We blame OJ.  The TO show came and went, the Lee Evans show must go on, but is Chan Gailey the man for the job?  What kind of a name is Chan anywaysz?  And where did he go when he was missing?  That leaves a three-way scrumble rumble tumble betweeneth the Patsies (8-8), Finsies (8-8) and the beyond over hyped Jetsies (9-7).  Does anyone even remember how the Jets made it into the playoffs last year?  Skin of their teeth, and by beating a resting Cincy, who apparently rested during the following Wild Card weekend.  And then beating San Diego?  The Bolts beat themselves more in the playoffs year after year than we beat off day after day to India Reynolds.  Anywho, the Pats are declining more than they’re climbing, and Tony Sparano won’t be getting a Chad Henne tattoo anytime soon (see above pic)

Boo-nus link: one of my favs via one of my fav Twittereses… Belichick in tiny 80s shorts, walking with LT & Parcells

AFC North

Ben Rosthenslpenis thinks he’s king of the world and of women’s pants, but that came to a crashing halt this offseason when one drunken gal finally said no.  We say his 4 game absence will hurt the Steelers (8-8) chances overall, and Omar Epps will have to think of other things to do in the off season, like The Mod Squad 2 or Alfie 2.  Des Bengals (7-9) will return to earth this year, although they should be better with TO in the mix.  Guess it comes down to whether Carson Palmer is up to the task or not.  Would be thighlarious if he got benched in favor of his bro and teammate Jordan.  Des Browns (8-8) will be much improved with the Walrus in tow, but need to dump Man-not-so-genius before improving to the point of actual playoff berthedness.  It’s all about Baltimore (10-6), who need something to cheer about now that the US version of Skins said kiss their shirts!

Boo-nus link: Troy Polamalu’s hair is insured for a cool mil, but its beauty is priceless.  here be a slideshow of other over-the-top insurance policies

AFC South

Colts (13-3)?  Snoresville.  They’re a waste of space.  Peyton already got his one ring, lost his chance at a second, and so to stay a step below Favre, where he belongs, he should just quit and become a TV pitchman permanently.  We need him to do this now more than ever, with a nation still unable to get over Billy Mays’ passing.  As for the Texas Texans (10-6), they will finally break their playoff cherry, and they better, cause we’ve been saying this for the past 3 seasons, but it will happen cause Jacoby Jones is the bestest Jacoby since Joe Jacoby.  Hell, even the Titans (10-6) will be remembered this year.  With TD and food vulture LenWhale White gones, Chris Johnson will set a single-season NFL record of 29,229 rushing yards, 983 TDs, and he’ll even end up kicking 2 FGs in one game after Rob Bironas is forced to sit out with a bironas lasting more than 8 hours.  Some might say the greatest utility man since José Oquendo!  And what of the Jackmeoff Jags-offs (3-13)? Who flippin cares.  Crash and burn, and hopefully moves somewhere else so they can get rid of those dreadful colored jerseys!  LA doesn’t deserve sh$t, so we say move the team to Seattle, to make up for the Sonics being gone, even if that would give the city 2 football teams.  C’mon, how cool would that be?

Boo-nus link: Jeff Saturday was born on June 18, 1975.  sadly, that means he was born on a Wednesday.  here’s a report on what Prez Gerald Ford did on that very same day!

AFC West

We wish someone would topple the Norv & his underachieveing Chargers (10-6), cause they always blow it, and blow in general but this won’t be that season.  How is Norv STILL a head coach, in ANY sport?  LT and his 1.2 yds per carry BS are gone and in his place is Ryan Matthews, a guy who will tear it up so dang hard that no one will have a hard time 5getting about LaDayNay, and he might even get the womens fans out there to forget about Ryan Reynolds.  The Broncos (8-8) won’t give their fans postmature emasculation, like they did with last year’s 6-0 start, and 2-8 finish (YIKES), and may actually do the opposite – be crappy early, and scrappy later on.  Whatever the Chiefs (8-8) and Raiders (6-10) will do this year, won’t be as forgettable as the one before, and that’s that (we don’t even want to bother wasting another moment of our fingertips’ life writing about Jason Campbell)

Boo-nus Norv pic: can never get enuff of hatin on Norv, especially with these Jim Jones style glasses

Seeds:
#1 Colts 45s (13-3)
#2 Quoth The Ravens (10-6)
#3 Chargers (10-6)
#4 Der Jets (9-7)
#5 Titans (10-6)
#6 Texans (10-6)

AFC Champs: The Texans will make like the very wild Giants of a few years back and slay a few giants on the road (the charge-less Chargers, division mates Indy, and then the tuffy Ravens) on the way to the Super Bowl, which aint too far from home in Dallas!

Super Bowl: Packers 35, Houston 22

Super Bowl MVP: Donald Driver!???

Fantasy Outlook AFC Shazz

Wees Loves (besides the obvious ones): Brandon Marshall BIG TIME, Terrell Owens, Ryan Matthews (he’ll be a top 5 back by year’s end), CJ Spills, Owen Daniels on the mend, and My Bironas!

Wees Hates He: Dirty Sanchez, Dwayne Bowe, the Pats running game (does anyone like em?), any member of the Titan offense that isn’t Chis Johnson and anything in Denver

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: Lee Evans (no one is drafting him), Dexter McCluster (will he be a WR, a RB, or just a better Reggis Bush?), Mohamed Massaquoi (all name team), Jermaine Gresham (eat that John Grisham!) and the Browns D (yes, you read that correctly)

peeweeviously:

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

and juss cause… although this time w/o Hooters garb!

go McNabb!!!!!!!!!