Thighs Wide Shut

No Strings Attached
No Frills Attached Neither
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

We somehow survived whatever piece of $hit Garry Marshall’s Valentine’s Day was.  We never even thought we’d ever need to think about that putrid eye and ear sore again, but then another Ashton Kutcher rom-com came a calling, and well, we had to figure out if the new one was the same kind of $hit, a wurser kind or a better kind.  How bout none of a kind?????  That’s cause Ashton Kutcher as an actor is a joke that’s beyond no longer funny.  Had his role in No Strings Attached been played by someone else, even someone basic and whatevs like Bradley Cooper or Josh Lucas, then maybe it could have worked.  Wait a second, what the f%&k are we saying???  No Strings Attached doesn’t work cause there’s zero drama, originality and moist importantly, a romance we can all get behind and swoon over, regardless of how dumb it is (spoiler: guess what, the meaningless sex DOES have meaning!).  Yet somehow we didn’t hate this movie, but that’s probably juss cause it’s not Valentine’s Day II, and we didn’t have to watch Ashton Kutcher go toe 2 boo with Jennifer Garner again

There are many great mysteries in this world, and you can now add ‘why did Natalie Portman agree to star opposite Ashton Kutcher in a movie???‘ to that list.  No one would question the pairing if this was a charity tennis match, but it’s not, it’s a movie, and Portman juss came off of a brilliant one where she masturbates and is perfect, and Kutcher was in some commercial about a camera or something.  We saw the movie and we still don’t understand how or why Natalie Portman would ever do anything with Ashton Kutcher, professionally or amateurally.   And yet we didn’t hate it.  Maybe cause we got to see such fun actors as Kevin Kline, Olivia Thirlby (remember her???), Lake Bell (even if her face looks like Crispin Glover’s), Mindy Kaling, Ludacris, Abby Elliott, Jennifer Irwin and Cary Elwes not do too much, other than give us other people to look at and listen to that aren’t Ashton Kutcher

There was one name we didn’t mention and that’s ‘actress’ Greta Gerwig.  Yea, Ms Mumblecore isn’t a real actor either and this joke is also starting to get a lil ye olde.  But wait a second, what if Greta Gerwig was Ashton Kutcher’s love interest in No Strings Attached, or in anything for that splatter?!?!?!?!?  Wethinks we’re onto something here!!!  OMG, that would be the mostest perfect union disaster since the Union Carbide Bhopal disaster, but hell, we’d certainly want to see it, and we wouldn’t question anything about it, cause it would be like watching Juliette Lewis acting with a clone of herself!!!  Somebody call Gus van Sant and get him to make a shot by shot remake of No Strings Attached and have the awkwardness of Gerwig and the stoopidness of Kutcher run amok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and Ivan Reitman directed this, and oh, it’s no Kindergarten Cop!!  and none of son Jason‘s movies are Kindergarten Cop neither!!

Lets Have A Krystal Ball!!!: Krystal Ellsworth, ells yea!!!

+ Ophelia Lovibond caught our eye & thigh in Nowhere Boy, and does again in Attached, and now we’re gonna stay attached to her 9ever!!!

Verdictgo: Little To Zero Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Attached detaches today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Nowhere Boy
Introducing… John Lennon
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

You know the story of the Beatles, and if you don’t then watch The Anthology, MULTIPLE TIMES [watch em here]!!!  But what about John Lennon’s story, before he was John ‘F&cking’ Lennon, the man, the myth, the legend we’ve all come to love, revere, worship and every other word that exists in a dictionary/thesaurus for ‘liking a sh%t-ton‘?  Yeah, what about John-boy, when he was a twee lad, a hero worshiper in his own time (Elvis, Buddy Holly), who did things normal teens did, like not care about school, and like totally care about bagging chicks?!  Yeah!  And what about his home life?!  What was the deal with him living and growing up with his auntie Mimi???  And having a loving, yet very strained relationship with his actual birth mother Julia????  Yeah, that Julia chick, who John later wrote a song for, with such telling lyrics as ‘Half of what I say is meaningless, But I say it just to reach you, Julia‘.  Yeah, what’s up wit dat??!?!!

Let’s take a dip in the Liverpool, shall we?  Yes, we will be passing by the gates of Strawberry Fields (it is foreals people!) on this magic mystery tour, but don’t expect this to be an all out Beatles origin story, cause it’s not, it’s a semi-Quarrymen origin story! But not really, although we do get to meet and jam with Paul McCartney (Thomas Sangster, that effin adorable tyke from Love Actually!!!!!) and George Harrison (Sam Bell).  If yer gonna ask where Ringo is, then you need to be Backbeated to death!!!  Nowhere Boy is purely a familial love triangle story between John (Kick-Ass‘ Kick-Ass Aaron Johnson, who kicks way more a$$ here than he did there), his uptight and well-meaning guardian Mimi (the always uptight Kristin Scott Thomas), and her flighty sister and his super-cool mum Julia (a heart-breakingly radiant Anne-Marie Duff).  Somewhere between all the hugs and shouting and secrets and lies is the sprouting of a musical prodigy waiting to turn into genius!  And since we know how history turned out for this Lennon guy, it’s a joy to watch the laughter AND the tears!  Big ups to Johnson, who is electric in Lennon’s shoes and sideburns.  Apparently the director was equally smitten with him as well.  Remember, this is the movie set where the now 43 year-old Sam Taylor-Wood fell for her now 20 year-old star Johnson!

How does the story end?  As history begins!  Ba-Hamburg!!!  But if you want the ending to the Lennon story, be sure to catch the killah and little seen The Killing of John Lennon

C’mon Ophelia Da Noise: can’t finger out which we heart more, Ophelia Lovibond‘s name or her EYES!!!???

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Nowhere goes somewhere, starting in LA/NY only tomorrow!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…