The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies
Unibrowser Yowzers!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 144 min

Remember how un-epic the battle was in Return of The King, and how it never seemed to end, cause it had 32012391929 endings? Well, I can’t reference any Thighs Wide review of such, cause that movie pre-dates this site!!! Butt bad tasting movie memories live on, but all is forgiven with Hobbit 3!!!

Hobbit 1 was dang good, but Hobbit 2 was 1/2 meh and 1/2 YEAH, but over time, I’ve felt more MEH on the yeah, so it was more like 2/3rds MEH and 1/3 yeah. Well, Hobbit 3 was 90000% YEAH!!!!

Hobbit 3 wastes no time – it starts with a fire-breathing BANG, and then juss keeps getting better and butter with each sword clash, and arrow being flung. Flung = fun. Swords = (s)WORD BOOTY!!!!

So how does this ending work better than LOTR: ROTK‘s ending?

– there’s an actual battle, and it’s not easily ended by ghost warriors

- Martin Freeman > Elijah Wood. I’d let Martin burgle my butt

– the dwarves do something besides being lame. Although I still couldn’t tell you any of their names besides the main one (Thrain son of Bane?) and the hot one (Billy Killi Motown Philli?)

- the dude with the uni-brow is an a$$hole, but he’s the fcuking best a$$hole on middle earth AND earth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– these are the only movies where Orlando Bloom is the fcuking MAN (by being an elf)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– there’s like a scene with Gandalf, Cate Blanchett, Hugo Weaving, and Christopher Lee (HE LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) where they battle evil incarnate AND IT REMINDS YOU HOW AMAZINGS LOTR was AND how amazings the movie you watching IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– the movie ends and bookends bookbeginnings perfectly with LOTR. if you have kids – you can now start with the Hobbits and then jump right into the LOTRs. Peter Jackson did it. George Lucas didn’t – cause you should never show your kids the Star Wars prequels

– praise jeebus Guillermo del Taco didn’t direct these movies.  It would have sucked

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Hobbit 3 rings in the end of the year at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
A Barrel of Halves 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 161 min

OMG, The Hobbit is back, yo!!  And this time we aint letting our eyes watch none of that 48888 frames per second junk.  And we didn’t!  24fps baby, all the way!  Cause that’s what movies are suppose to look like!  And glad we stuck to them guns for Peter Jackson‘s 5th dip into Tolkienland, cause this looked like a movie and not a video game!

OK, so what of the actual movie?  It’s first 1/2 was FCUKING awesome!!!!  Our heroes were like running thru fields and mountains and forests and fighting things big and small and gross and scary – you know, yer typical LOTR stuff.  But then the short dudes (Martin Freeman, Richard Armitage and all those stoopid lookin dwarves) needed help, but don’t ask for it, but it comes anyway in the form of super-skinny-hot elves!!  There’s good ole Legolas (Orlando Bloom, back in blonde, in the only role he excels in, instead of how he is in any non-elf movie where he ex-sucks in) and this female elf who didn’t event exist in Tolkien’s realm, but Peter Jackso oh so wanted to have a token Tolkien female character, so they basically made a female Legolas, but with red hair!!!  She’s played by Evangeline Lilly, and within 2 minutes of screen time, she makes you go, Liv Tyler as Arwen who???  IT’S TRUE CAUSE SHE’S SO COOL!!  But then the elves are like not helping the dwarves by jailing them, but then with MAGIC, they aint jailed, and then our heroes are in barrels, going down a rapid-crazed river (watch this bit of making of!), and trying to barrel-away from ugly orcs!!!  AHHHHHHHHHHH YEAH!!!!  THERE’S SO MUCH ACTION AND THIS IS ALL SO MUCH FCUKING FUN!!!

But of course the fun never lasts, and the rest of the movie is far from a blast.  We inch toward Smaug and his dragon’s lair, and even if he’s voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch, it can’t change the fact that the rest of the journey to him is such a slog.  The river ride ends and then our little friends still have miles/kilometers to go, but first they must take a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnng diversion in some lake port city where Stephen Fry is kinda awesome perfect as the lake port city’s master, and this dude with teef is his annoying helper, and theys trying not to get spied on by Stephen Colbert, and like try to get this human - Bard the Bowman (Luke Evans) – to help them, but zzzzzzzzzzzz, and things and stuffzzzzzz.  Alas, they finally get going and go to the mountain where the dragon and Uncle Scrooge’s gold is be, and get some gem the dwarves need is be.  Fire from dragon goes whooooooooosh, and then the little dudes run around.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  WE SO CLOSE, but – CUT TO BLACK.  Movie ends with the least cliffy-cliff-hanger steak ever cooked.  Zzzzzzzzz.  WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BARRELS OF AWESOMES????

>Whatevs, we’re totally in for #3, but #2 was totally 1/2 meh and 1/2 YEAH.  It needed more Ian McKellen being an old beardo, and Lee Pace looking hot in with his treebranch crown, and stuff, AND BARREL RIDES!!!!  But I can’t really complain too much.  This is the 5th Peter Jax JRRRRRR Tolkien joint, and it far from sucks.  CAN GEORGE LUCAS SAY THAT ABOUT HIS STAR WARSESESES??   NO HE CAN’T CAUSE HIS NECK IS TOO FAT FOR HIS THROAT TO LET HIS MOUTH SPEAK WORDS THAT NO ONE CARES TO HEAR!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Smaug is making a hobbi-ton o’ money at a theater near jews

Bitched At Swirth – Middle Earth Edition: yep, dwarf Aidan Turner totes looks like a midget Ian Somerhalder with long hair, but we got one better for ya… 

orc Bolg & Kellan Lutz

 

orc Bolg & Kellan Lutz

 

orc Bolg & Kellan Lutz

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Sympathy for Delicious
Healing Wounds All Time
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
NR | 96 min

We don’t go into directorial debuts by actors with a roll of the eyes, we go in with eyes wide open (we actually do that with every movie now), cause who knows, maybe they’ve got talent… or maybe they should juss stick to their day job.  Clint Eastwood remains the pacesetter.  Even actors we can’t stand like George Clooney have proven more than capable.  Even someone like Madonna, who isn’t much of an actress, gave it a shot, and while most loathed her Filth & Wisdom, we found it lithe & not so dumb! So why shouldn’t Mark Ruffalo give it a go?  He knows acting, and always seems to pick good movies to be in (uh, Zodiac?), so why not????

Ruffalo’s Sympathy for Delicious may have an awful name, but it is not awful.  It’s not exactly delicious either, but it certainly has a taste!  It’s a good ole first try, and a promising sign of Ruff’s skill in the director’s chair, but ultimately its a mess of holy ideals, backed up by a band no one would want to rock out to.  The script, about a overly bitter homeless wheelchair-bound man named ‘Delicious’ Dean O’Dwyer (oh, it’s HIS sympathy, eh?) who one day realizes he has the ability to heal others, is inspired, especially since it was written and lead performed by wheelchaired Christopher Thornton, but it aims a lil too high for a film that can’t fully back up its sermon.  A priest (Ruffalo) and rock group (headed by a too-over the top Orlando Bloom, backed-up by a too Juliette Lewisish Juliette Lewis, and managed by a too greasy Laura Linney) both take advantage of his unwanted gift for their own ends, and if you’ve ever seen Tommy, you know this won’t exactly end heavenly. So Ruffles couldn’t make a delicious modern Tommy, but he tried and he didn’t fail, and for that, we can sorta take it

Noah Emmerich co-stars as a fellow ironsider, and besides Thorton and Ruffalo, he totally hits his marks.  He’s so good at playing a sad sack in an ugly sweater, which should not be confused with ugly nutsacks in a sad sweater

The Wheel Deal: Larry David has never had luck when dealing with the handicap on Curb, and especially those in wheelchairs. here’s a memorable altercation with Mr Thorton over the Cobb salad

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Delicious isn’t eggggzactly so in NY & LA theaters AND on VOD this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed, but Morgan aint…