Thighs Wide Shut

Wonder Woman
Some Kind of Not So Wonderful
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 141 min

I was all for Wonder Woman, the character and the actress playing her, but not so much for the Patty Jenkins movie.  lemme explain, in imagery…

there was a land of nothing but ladies and I was all for that.  ZZ Top would be too

but for some reason, all the women had accents like Kate McKinnon as Olya Povlatsky, and it was strange to hear Robin Wright do a Kate McKinnon as Olya Povlatsky imitation 

–

but it’s all good, cause they descended from Zeus and they tell us their HERstory thru like some pretty cool moving paintings or something

and we follow the growings up of the youngest of this all lady crew – Diana, who’s that super hot Israeli chick from 9 Fast 19 Furious – Gal Gadot, and then we’re like ‘Oh, I’ll follow her, wherever she goes!!  Hopefully to like a shower scene!!‘

but then dreamy Captain Kirk shows up

and when men, and war are introduced, the movie turns into a 1/2 rate version of the first Captain America movie

where our villains are more cookie-cutter than villains made from a cookie cutter

including one that’s like a female version of that 1/2 face dude from Boardwalk Empire (who is the nephew to the other baddie in the movie, Danny Huston)

and these bad peoples are beyond obsessed with gas, but not the funny kind

but before our heroine and her blue-eyed boy friend (he’s a boy, who’s a friend) can fight evil and their gas, she must first hide her sexy costume in the demur WWI-era clothings, so why not a give your fanboy & fangirl audience exactly what they want – a trying on clothing montage!

and then waste more time talking to mustachioed generals (one being David Thewlis, who certainly has rebounded from being in The Island of Dr Moreau), who look like they’re on the cover of Stratego

and then we’re introduced to a set of pointless sidekicks (apologies to actors I truly love, Ewen Bremner & Saïd Taghmaoui, but your characters were cardboard lameness, a breath of hot air, and a waste of everyone’s time – even Wonder Woman’s – she doesn’t need your help!!), including a Native American for no reason (apologies to you Eugene Brave Rock, who I’m sure is a lovely man)

and then it’s like a WWI trench movie, but like the least interesting one you’ve seen

and then there’s more boring stuff that takes like 19292929ever, and then it eventually turns into one giant Zack Snyder bunk-a$$ DC movie, where there’s all this dark darkness stuff, and nothing but destruction, and it sucks a$$$$, and for some reason, our final round bad guy is Sauron from LOTR

and then after all that, the movie is basically over, and I was like, WTF????, was this a movie about Wonder Woman, or like a WWI movie about a bunch of dudes and proto-Nazis, and all of it wasn’t really that interesting, and was actually kinda corny, and didn’t include any shower scenes with Wonder Woman in it???!!!!

Again, I’m all for Wonder Woman, and the actress, but not for this movie.  I know there will be another movie (not including the Justice League one,which looks so retched, I won’t even bother to see it), but can they at least make the next one less manly, less dark, and more showery??? C’mon guys,
this isn’t rocket scientology – it’s a hot chick in a hot outfit, kicking a$$.  Keep it simple, and showery

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Woman is not quite Wonderful at theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
No Slander On This Salander!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 158 min

The wait is over kids.  David Fincher‘s English language (wouldn’t dare call it ‘American’, cause it’s not whatsoever) version of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo is no longer juss the kick ass teaser/trailer/music video of the year, it is now a movie that has to be able to deliver the goods. And?  It does indeed deliver them goods, mad good… as much as Stieg Larsson‘s story will let it/him.  What does that mean?  Well, if you know the story (and if you don’t, what planet are you from, UrineAnus?), you know it pulsatinglyly builds and builds and builds, and then goes BOOM, and then it kinda whimpers for another 30 minutes after the boom, as it re-focuses on the original task at hand, which is no longer as interesting as the sidetracked task just handled.  OK, that’s about as much bitching as we’re capable of making, cause otherwise Fincher hands in an A paper on celluloid digital projection

The Social Network gave Finchy the worldwide love & attention he deserved, but a 1s & 0s subject matter like that was well beneath his skill & artistry.  Anyone could have directed Aaron Sorkin’s script to greatness, even Ivan Reitman’s kid, or even one of Lawrence Kasdan’s kids, or even Tom Hanks’ dopey kid we just wished went away 9ever.  Anywho, Fincher is back in the territory where he belongs and we want him to stay – making flicks where people are murdered and other people try to solve those murders.  He brings his Zodiac (you know, that movie that’s one of the greatest movies ever) preciseness & pacing and applies it to the frigid and cruel Swedish world that sweeties Mikael Blomkvist & Lisbeth Salander do their investigationining thing in

So how does this new one stack up against the very very solid original flick?  It kinda bests it in every way possible, even if the original didn’t really need besting in the first place.  Still, better Fincher do it than say Ivan Reitman’s kid, or even one of Lawrence Kasdan’s kids, or even Tom Hanks’ dopey kid we just wished went away 9ever.  We gets Christopher Plummer sounding all von Sydow-y! Stellan SkarsgÃ¥rd loving Enya! Steven Berkoff hating Axel Foley! Robin Wright penning! Joely Richardson holy richardsons! Goran Visnjic with visnjacrazywitz hair! and Julian Sands juss being Aryan handsome!!!!!!  And nothing against Michael Nyqvist & Noomi Rapace, but Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara do Mik & Lis a lick better, mainly cause it’s a bit more believable and much more watchable to see Dan & Roo get bizzy than Nyquil & Noo.  Rooney’s performance as Lisbeth in particular is fracking spectacular, but don’t make us choose Lisbeths, cause there’s room for two Lisbeth performances in this world, like there was for Truman Capote.  Sadly, Toby Jones got hosed in that race, just like Rapace got zilch for being totes THE girl with the dragon tatts.  Guess what we’re saying is, why not give Rooney the Oscar.  We’d like to see Streep sport white eyebrows and get plowed by a fat dude while handcuffed (point of clarification – we are not hactually asking to see that, we juss making the point that Rooney as Lisbeth is a brave brave performance that Meryl Streep might hactually be incapable of braving, or something to that DAS EFX)

moral of the story – it’s no Zodiac, but it’s a David Fincher film, and people should see David Fincher films, cause every other film isn’t a David Fincher film

Swede Jesus!!:  Harriet Vagner haunts her uncle’s life, and now our dreams, in a good way, cause she’s so dreamy!!!  and she is

Moa Garpendal

and how about her cousin Anita, aka

Mathilda von Essen

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Tattoo you at a theater near Jews on December 21st

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Conspirator
Herstory Always Repeats Itself
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 123 min

A good history lesson is a good history lesson, regardless of what kind of a movie surrounds it.  The Conspirator is one such good history lesson, cause we doubt you (or we) know the inner-workings of the conspiracy behind Lincoln’s assassination, or its aftermath, or the rushed (in?)justice of all parties linked to it, or supposedly linked to it.  What do you know of Mary Surratt?  No, she had nothing to do with A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte.  She may have had nothing to do with axing Lincoln either, but regardless, was tried for being a conspirator alongside all the real conspirators.  Is she really guilty or just guilty by association?  So many questions, so few answers, lots of stuffy courtroom drama, and it’s all worth learning about!!  There will be a quiz (show), so sharpen those number 2 pencils

The material is right up righteous director Robert Redford‘s alley, and even if the results may not be the 2nd coming of All The President’s Men, what is?  Cause the truth is out there, even if the government back then couldn’t handle it, or the exact truth was and remains unknown.  The same might be true of today’s prosecution/persecution of terrorists or would be ones!!  OOOOOOOH, WHAT MODERN DAY PARALLELS!!  And obvious ones too!!

So back to Mrs Surratt (an un-make-upped Robin Wright-Penn).  She had two things working in her disfavor:  1, her son was an accused Lincoln assassination plotter, who fled right after it all went down and thus looking even more guilty, and 2, her house served as a meeting place for all the plotters, including John Wilkes Booth (Sacha Baron Cohen lookish-a-like Toby Kebbell).  Besides some questionable testimony by some witnesses (including Stephen Root!!), there’s not much directly linking her in the larger plan, besides being a mother and owning a home.  That aint stopping an itchy Lincoln cabinet (Kevin Kline) and military court (Colm Meaney and Danny Huston) from exacting revenge and deciding her purty much pre-determined fate.  Who would and could defend such a defenseless woman and winless case?

Enter the reluctant Frederick Aiken (a solid James McAvoy), after his mentor Reverdy Johnson (Tom Wilkinson, who can never do no acting wrong) quit on this lose-lose situation (if she’s found guilty, you fail as a lawyer, but if you get her off, you’re seen as a traitor to the Union, and the new and uneasy post-Civil War peace).  Aiken starts off seeing his client juss like everyone else, beyond guilty, but as the ‘case’ unfolds, he starts to find the proceedings unfair, and most importantly, unjust.  He’s now made this lose-lose situation a lose-lose-lose one.  Even his trusted war buddies (James Badge Dale, and a way out of place and time Justin Long) and lady-in-waiting (Alexis Bledel) question his motives and actions, but it’s his case to fight, like it or not!!

If you don’t know the outcome of the case, skip the wikipedia entries and jump right into this open for interpretation history book.  Heck, you might juss learn something, unlike most movies, which make you un-learn things!!

Evan Rachel Wood co-stars as Mary’s daughter, Anna Surratt, and if yer looking to un-hate her from her NSFW awful daughterness doings in Mildred Pierce [do not click that spolierish link, if you ever intend to watch the mini-series], this juss another excuse for you to serve this summons

History Lives On:  you can visit Ford’s Theater (although it barely resembles the theater Lincoln was killed in) or follow Booth’s escape route [pdf] or even eat Chinese food at Mary Surratt’s Boarding House!!!

Verdictgo:  Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Conspirator plots it up today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…