A Private War
Duty For Reporting
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
R | 106 min

Journalist Marie Colvin went to some hellish places and lived to report about it, until her luck ran out. Matthew Heineman‘s biopic about her – A Private War – starring Rosamund Pike as the fearless writer – shows us where she went and what she did, but we never really get a real sense of her or her work and why it was so vital.  Bombs go boom.  She loses an eye.  She drinks heavily.  She wins awards.  She drinks more.  She’s a mess.  And yes she keeps going into the arms of danger to let the world know about other atrocities.  Bombs continue to go boom and the rest of the cycle in the movie keeps going on and on.  It’s not until the very end where we hear her reporting from the field, in a call into Anderson Cooper on CNN, that you start to appreciate and feel for her, her work, and her struggle.  Everything else that came before that just felt like a struggle to watch 

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

War wages today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Gone Girl
Desperate Housewife
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 149 min

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Gone Girl the movie is thankfully no Gone Baby Gone

Along for the ride are his annoying screen sister (Carrie Coon), his crafty lawyer (Tyler Perry’s Madea‘s Law Firm), and Doogie Howser, playing against type, as a character who is not a child prodigy doctor + apparently Ben Affleck’s penis, and this girl, who’s boobs aren’t gone, they HERE!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Gone Girl is found at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Jack Reacher
Preacher Comforts
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 130 min

December is a month of endless Oscar-baiting fare, where the movies are bloated, depressing and hard to watch.   Christopher McQuarrie‘s Jack Reacher is the antidote to all that stuff, and Jack Reacher is nothing without one of the last movie stars standing, standing tall (even though he’s not so tall) - Tom Cruise.  Tom is Jack, a loner, Dottie, a rebel.  Whether you can believe that Tom Cruise could pass as a drifter matters very little, cause basically Jack Reacher is a looser Mission: Impossible, which means it’s more fun, and sirprizingly, and most welcomelyer, funnier!   What more do you need to know?  You don’t, but we’ll go on for a little bit more anywayz

Our movie starts off with a sniper randomly picking off people, but MAYBE THE VICTIMS AREN’T RANDOM?!??!?!  The sniper is caught, but MAYBE THE CAUGHT SNIPER ISN’T THE ACTUAL SNIPER?!?!??!?  The DA’s office (Richard Jenkins and David Oyelowo, who’s like 2nd second coming of Chiwetel Ejiofor) thinks it’s an open and shut case.  The alleged sniper’s lawyer (bouncy Rosamund Pike) thinks so too, but is juss looking for the best possible verdict that isn’t punishable by death.  Enter Jack Reacher, the only man who can possibly save the alleged sniper, and maybe save the day too.  Guess what, he might juss do all of these things, AND go toe to toe with baddie Werner Herzog (I laughed out loud EVERY time he spoke on screen, partly cause it’s ridiculous, but mostly cause casting Werner Herzog as a bad guy is a stroke of genius and awesomeness and amazingnessness and I couldn’t get over that fact!!!).  Robert Duvall pops in towards the end, and his no country for old man old man-ness only adds to the nutty bar fun, cause Robert Duvall characters wouldn’t have it any other way!!!!

But does Tom Cruise run in this movie?  A little, but he drives, cause he’s so driven, and the driving is FCUKING OFF THE BAKER’S RACK!!!!!!  And there’s punching!  And there’s more punching!  And gunfights!  AND LAUGHTER!  And a killer scene where two thugs have a great chance of taking out Cruise, but they keep on taking out each other.  OH REACHER!!!! YOU MAKE US WANT TO GIVE YOU A REACH-A-ROUND!!!!!!! Please people, go see this movie, so it does well and they greenlight 12 more of these, cause that’s what the world needs!!!  REACHER!!!  He should fight Arthur Treacher’s in the sequel, cause they suck!!!  TREACHER!!!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

3 Furious : please, never slow down

Alexia Fast

Jack Reacher reaches out and touches everyone at a theater near jews this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Made In Dagenham
Sew, You Think You Can Dance With The Big Boys?
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

You remember all that hullabaloo about England’s Ford sewing machinists strike of 1968, right?  You don’t???? Well neither did we!!  And now everything has become illuminated thanks to director Nigel Cole and writer William Ivory‘s vibrant, yet basically banal cinematic take on the event and ensuing events in Made In Dagenham!  The key word hidden in the title is ‘ham’, as in this thing is as hammy as a ham radio ham sangwich being eaten by Mama Cass on her death bed!!!!  But lettuce not focus on the ham AND cheesiness of the movie, and instead pay attention to the message that stands tall above it all: at on point in time women weren’t on equal footing with the mens, especially in the workforce, and that just aint right.  No men were up in arms over this and for years and years nothing changed.  Well, if you want to something done, sometimes you gotta take matters into yer own hands, and that is precisely what a bunch of working class sewing dames at the Ford plant in Dagenham done did!  They coulda cared less about the question ‘have you driven a Ford lately?’ and were all about ‘what has Ford done for us lately?’.  You go girls, and boy, did they go!!!!

America has Norma Rae and Karen Silkwood, and they had their movies, and now Britain and Rita O’Grady gots theirs!  Sally Hawkins wears O’Grady’s high heels and carries her big stick, and she aint gonna take no for answer!  Not from her doubting hubby Daniel Mays, nor crusty ole union dude Kenneth Cranham, nor UK Ford dude Rupert Graves, norrr US Ford dude Richard Schiff, who had to trek all the way across the pond to try and quiet them down.  GOOD LUCK WITH TRYING TO SHUSH A WOMANS!!!!  Luckily, O’Grady/Hawkins wasn’t alone in her fight, with a posse of her feisty sewers in tow (including the very feisty, very sexy Jaime Winstone… see below), a helpful rep from within the company (best in smile Bob Hoskins!!), a UK Ford exec’s mod wife (Rosamund Pike), and a certain lady high up in the ranks of gov’mint (Miranda Richardson) all chipping in on the you go-go girly girlnessness!

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT????????  Well, you can probably guess what does cause a) women aren’t paid slave wages anymo, and b) they made a movie all about this shaz, and people like movies about winning and not losing!!!  If only this thang wasn’t so dang cheesy, and lost about 4 of its pointless sidetracked side stories!!!  Still, we were purty much gung ho for this female Gung Ho

Forever Winstoned: she punched us in the heart in the muss see guilty/dirty pleasure Donkey Punch, and she does it every dang time we see her lil saucy self get saucy-saucy-pants!!!  sadly, this hasn’t happened all that much, with such a small filmography, but 1nce bitten, wees 5ever smitten with Jaime ‘daughter of Ray’ Winstone!!!!!  qwik fact… Winstone used to date Alfie Allen, who’s sister is… Lily Allen!!!  That’s one ploughman’s lunch we’d like to plow thru and munch on!!!  and if not, we’d love to juss go bowling with them or something!!!

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Made is in the shade this Friday in NY & LA only, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…