Here and Knack Again
22. Dec, 2014 
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The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies
Unibrowser Yowzers!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 144 min
Remember how un-epic the battle was in Return of The King, and how it never seemed to end, cause it had 32012391929 endings? Well, I can’t reference any Thighs Wide review of such, cause that movie pre-dates this site!!! Butt bad tasting movie memories live on, but all is forgiven with Hobbit 3!!!
Hobbit 1 was dang good, but Hobbit 2 was 1/2 meh and 1/2 YEAH, but over time, I’ve felt more MEH on the yeah, so it was more like 2/3rds MEH and 1/3 yeah. Well, Hobbit 3 was 90000% YEAH!!!!
Hobbit 3 wastes no time – it starts with a fire-breathing BANG, and then juss keeps getting better and butter with each sword clash, and arrow being flung. Flung = fun. Swords = (s)WORD BOOTY!!!!
So how does this ending work better than LOTR: ROTK‘s ending?
– there’s an actual battle, and it’s not easily ended by ghost warriors
-Â Martin Freeman > Elijah Wood. I’d let Martin burgle my butt
– the dwarves do something besides being lame. Although I still couldn’t tell you any of their names besides the main one (Thrain son of Bane?) and the hot one (Billy Killi Motown Philli?)
- the dude with the uni-brow is an a$$hole, but he’s the fcuking best a$$hole on middle earth AND earth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
– these are the only movies where Orlando Bloom is the fcuking MAN (by being an elf)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
– there’s like a scene with Gandalf, Cate Blanchett, Hugo Weaving, and Christopher Lee (HE LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) where they battle evil incarnate AND IT REMINDS YOU HOW AMAZINGS LOTR was AND how amazings the movie you watching IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
– the movie ends and bookends bookbeginnings perfectly with LOTR. if you have kids – you can now start with the Hobbits and then jump right into the LOTRs. Peter Jackson did it. George Lucas didn’t – cause you should never show your kids the Star Wars prequels
– praise jeebus Guillermo del Taco didn’t direct these movies. Â It would have sucked
Verdictgo: Breast In Show
Hobbit 3 rings in the end of the year at a theater near jews
and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…
