oh, what a night!

shock

awe

life after death!

Gosling boobs!

sleep tight everyone!

La La Land
Gosmancing The Stone
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 128 min

You can have your Manchester By The Snoozes, I’ll have what Damien Chazelle is serving in La La Land – life, love, and the pursuit of making movies magical and fun again!

I hope you saw Damien’s Whiplash.  It’s like La La Land, but painful!  Pain is good, and usually makes for a better movie (and in this case, that is true, and in the case of Manchester By The Sea, it’s false), but pleasure is also important, and La La Land is a delectable slice of pleasure!

There is no current screen pairing more pleasureful than the screen pairing of Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone.  They made Crazy, Stupid, Love, not so stupid, and rather lovely!  They made for a welcome distraction in the distracting piece of garbage that was Gangster Squad.  In La La Land, they make us go ga ga for even more Gostone/Stonling pairings.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – they need to never stop making Gosling-Stone movies.  Never.  They, being Hollywood, really should(n’t). Is there anyone out there that would disagree with such a statement?  Is there anyone out there in general still reading this site?  Gawd, are you there? It’s me, Margaret!

La La Land was a musical, but it didn’t really need all the jazz hands and songs and dances.  I mean, they were nice and all, but they could make a silent movie where Gosling and Stone work in a poop factory and we’d still fall in love with them.  Hmmm, I have a great idea for their next film – POOP FACTORY: A LOVE STORY!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

La La already Landed at a theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Big Short
The Rooting of All Evils
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 130 min

Movies about the subprime mortgage crisis are either boring, too wordy, or juss not all that good (or all three).  Luckily Adam McKay‘s cinematic take on Michael Lewis‘ book The Big Short: Inside the Doomsday Machine is none of the above, although it admits to its audience that it is very wordy, but tries its best to put all the money talk into layman’s terms for us by breaking the 4th wall

We all know things didn’t go quite well with our economy in 2007, but did you know that there were some dudes who saw it coming and profited from it, by betting on America failing????  Yes, it’s true, although some names have been changed to protect the profiteers. And so you sit there, and you root for the dudes to make money by America losing!  You know that bubble’s gonna burst, and they do too, and we want them to win, cause what’s a movie if there are no heroes?  The big shots in The Big Short aren’t really heroes, but compared to the villainous big banks and the clueless government officials not seeing what troubles lie ahead, they are our heroes

We don’t need another hero!!!

Yeah, but if these smart money dudes are played by the likes of Christian Bale, Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling, Finn Wittrock, John Magaro, and even a subdued Brad Pitt, who’s gonna root against those dudes???  

Come to think of it – the casting is super genius.  I mean, actor-wise – OBVIOUSLY, but lady-wise – BLAM.  You’re a guy, and you want to see a movie about economics and how you gonna sell that on your lady (or boyfriend or left hand or whatever you finger bang)?  Uh, honey, there’s a movie with Brad and Ryan and Christian in it.  Wanna see it?

So fcuking money, and you DO know it

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Short comes up Big at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Place Beyond The Pines
Brooding Broods
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 140 min

Derek Cianfrancespainengland knows pain and unhappiness, and he has no issue serving it up thru the face of Ryan Gosling, and we have no problem with any of that cause if you don’t love Gosling’s face you either cannot love or don’t have sight.  If you saw their first heartbreaking pairing – the 4th best film of 2010 – Blue Valentine – you knows whats wees sqwaking bouts, and you should so be inclined to see their second pairing, where Gosling plays a motorcycle stuntman who finds out that Eva Mendes is having his baby, so he decides to like help and stuff, even if he has no money, and Eva doesn’t want his money even if he had some, and she’s living with some black dude anyways, and he has a crying dagger tattoo, so you know this situation aint great, cause who wants your child to be the son of a dude with a crying dagger tattoo??

To spell out how the rest of the movie is spelt is to spelled out too much.  There are basically three movies in this single movie.  The first movie centers on Gosling robbing banks, with an assist from that creepy awesome Australian dude with that lisp - Ben Mendelsohn.  It’s like Drive meets Point Break.  In the second movie, policeman Bradley Cooper pops in and then this thing turns into Copland meets Copland.  In the third movie, time passes and Bradley Cooper has a son (Emory Cohen) who’s like The Wackness and stuff.  I really really really can’t tell you ANYTHING that links all of these mini-movies into the one movie, cause you shouldn’t know anything, but you should know that all three movies are worth watching, even if the culmination of them don’ts necessary add up to a hill of beans/pines, in, around or beyond them

Oh and Dane DeHaan is in this movie and Dane DeHaan is the greatest brooding actor of his generation.  Long may he brood

Oh, and this Mike Patton song is the knees bees

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

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Trance
Doctor Mindbender
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 101 min

Danny Boyle‘s Trance is like Derek Cianfrancespainengland’s Place Beyond The Pines in that we can’t really tell you all that much about it, cause if we did, it would semi-spoil the mindfudge that Danny Boyle tries to fudge our minds with.  This movie’s kinda Inception-like, but you don’t have to do that much thinking and over-thinking for something that doesn’t really require much thought in the end.  This is minor Boyle, but still, minor Boyle is better than most people’s major stuff.  He’s incapable of making awful movies.  We’re sure A Life Less Ordinary and The Beach will be the greatest movies of all time if we don’t watch them for 50 years (but probably not)

Anywho, James McAvoy plays the Ewan McGregor role, the guy we root for, but is this the guy we should be rooting for????  Or is it Frenchie Vincent Cassel?  Or hypnotist Rosario Dawson, or should we say hypno-tttttttttttttitties, cause you get to see them AND HER BUSH!?????  HOW COULD YOU NOT TRUST A WOMAN WHO SHOWS HER BOOBS and BUSH ON THE SILVER SCREEN????  Maybe we shouldn’t trust any of them.  They all want a stolen piece of art that maybe they stole or didn’t, or did they?  TRANCE TRANCE TRANCE TRANCE!  or something

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Pines & Trance do the dance currently in limited release elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Gangster Squad
The Un-Untouchables
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 113 min

Gangster Squad is gangster garbage… that looks nice.  Hate to say it, cause it’s so awful to say, but this movie needed more human tragedies to happen in order to keep it out of theaters.  Then again, watching Emma Stone’s eyes on a giant screen can make any terd look like a diamond

here’s how the movie went down, in gif form

Sean Penn yells and uses his fingers a lot.  He keeps saying that he owns Los Angeles, but nobody cares except for Josh Brolin’s stupid face

what Sean Penn forgot to mention is that he looks like a sh!tty cross between Dick Tracy’s Flattop & Mumbles

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enter Emma Stone, who is SMOKING

HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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the LAPD be like we need to stop Sean Penn so we need a squad – A GANGSTER SQUAD!!!

throw me a shotgun, cause that’s what gangster squads do!!

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but how are they gonna stop Sean Penn when he so angry about how bad his fake nose looks?!?!?!

and why did he need a fake nose? his normal nose is good enuff to be a bad nose

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and he so pissed that Emma & Ryan are gosling

but America would have Stone-Gosling love in every movie if Hollywood would only give it to us in every movie. GIVE IT TO US HOLLYWÃœRST!!!

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man, Sean Penn is SOOOOO pissed cause the movie’s script is so AWFULLLLLLLLLLL

lines like ‘I’m a cop, and I carry a badge, and I serve AND protect, and {insert clunky generic 40s cop talk here}‘

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Gangster Squad sure has their work cut out for them

better throw me some more shotguns to stop angry Penn!!!

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although you cannot stop angry Sean Penn, you can only hope to contain him

but how do you stop this movie?

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but please never stop Emma Stone being Emma Stone

every man on earth would fcuk her. even gay dudes would

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if that recap made zero sense, that’s what it’s like watching this movie.  The guy who wrote the screenplay is also penning the plays of screen for Lethal Weapon 5, The Justice League + the Logan’s Run remake. heaven AND hell help us.  someone needs to gangster squad his writing hands!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Gangster Squad is currently the angriest Sean Penn movie at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…