Thighs Wide Shut

Mary Queen of Scots
I’ve Seen Better Episodes Of The Tudors
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
R | 125 min

The history is interesting and worth telling, but the latest and not so greatest iteration of it – the Josie Rourke directed and Beau Willimon written Mary Queen of Scots – somehow doesn’t give the affairs the royal treatment it deserves 

Not for a lack of trying.  They got black guys and Asian gals and Hispanic dudes playing roles usually reserved for white folk.  That was kinda refreshing!  And you can’t go wrong with Irish tongued Saoirse Ronan giving Mary the upper Scottish lip, while Aussie Margot Robbie goes ‘ugly’ and white face as her cousin rival Elizabeth 

History news flash – the two Queens don’t interact much, and basically never face to face, so for the most part, it’s juss a war of words, and a bunch of dudes with staches and ruff necks endlessly scheming.  And that’s OK, cause it’s like The Tudors, but like a lesser episode  

The main issue I had with the film is how muddled it begins and how middling the middle parts were (too many needless side characters we could care less about), but when the film finally hits its stride in the last act, it’s all class act until Mary gets hers.  Woulda been nice if her head and the movie was screwed on tighter from the get go, before it gets the chop in the end, but hey, history and herstory is told by the victors, and the victorias, however they want to tell it

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Sorta Kinda Worth A Peepers

Mary gets bloody at a theater near jews and white nationalists this Friday

want to see a better movie about women in power and women empowerment?  seek out the doc ¡Las Sandinistas! – it’s great!!! you’ll learn more about Nicaraguan modern history than you’ve ever known!! and Bernie Sanders is in it!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Lady Bird
Petty In Pink
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
R | 94 min

Greta Gerwig‘s directorial debut Lady Bird was… just OK

Yes, I saw it very post-hype, but when the movie got going, I really bought into it.  I was rooting for this to be a modern Pretty In Pink – a high school misfit from the wrong side of the tracks, trying her damnedest to fit in, and grab a hot guy.  This movie was definitely trying to be its own Pretty In Pink, and it ended up being just pretty (a nice postcard from Sacramento), and pretty much not all that much to write home about

I liked Saoirse Ronan‘s performance as the lead, but the movie felt like a bunch of high school memories strung together with some forced emotional strain between daughter and mother (Laurie Metcalf) that never really connected its dots or come to a gripping conclusion it was hoping to achieve

Still, if you ever wanted to know what a Greta Gerwig character in a Greta Gerwig movie would be like, like how there’s always a Woody Allen character in every Woody Allen movie, then Lady Bird is your gateway to a wig of Gerwig,  To me, it’s a movie I’ve already mainly forgotten about, although I would be open to visiting Sacramento 

Also, the movie could have used even more Beanie Feldstein, and/or Beanie Wells

Verdictgo: very low ened Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Lady Bird flaps in lil wings at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Brooklyn
Heart Is Where The Home Is
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 111 min

Saoirse Ronan has beautiful, yet super creepy laser-blue eyes.  They were super creepy when she made bad things happen in Atonement.  But now she’s a bit older, and so they’ve become a little less creepy, and in John Crowley/Nick Hornby/Colm Tóibín Brooklyn movie, dem eyes aint creepy at all – as they are filled with and the exuder of udder sadness and absolute happiness, and those eyes are everything  

Her character - Eilis (which is apparently pronounced Aiiiiilllllllllllish) leaves her ma and sis in Ireland for America (a scene early in the movie that almost had me in insta-tears).  She works at a department store, but misses her family and Irish Spring and Lucky Charms, but luckily there are lots of Irish things in America – like O’Doul’s and McDonalds and Jim Broadbent and Julie Walters.  Phew  

And then things change when an Italian Brooklyn boy (the sappy smirky good Emory Cohen) makes his way into her life, making America feel more like home than her old home.  But then tragedy strikes back home, and so she goes home, and is kinda swept up in old home and is having second thoughts about new home, and there’s this great Irish redheaded guy (Domhnall Gleeson, in his 1919239939192193th movie of 2015), and so she’s conflicted and arggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!  

I kept waiting for wrong turns and bad things to happen, but this movie isn’t like that.  This movie stands for good, and is way beyond good.  It reminds me that movies can be positive, without having to be edgy or showy or anything else besides a great story and great storytelling.  Boy voyage and land ho!  Spring for this Irish tale, and u2 can enjoy it’s wonder and wonderment!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Brooklyn boroughs currently at a theater near jews/irish people

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Hanna
Mum Lola Mum
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 111 min

A beautiful and sheltered girl with lightening quick reflexes and an un-licensed license to kill is set loose upon the world to kick some major a$$, with the beyond sweet sounds of the Chemical Brothers following her every move.  Is this our wet dreams come true… or the so-so movie Joe Wright churned out… of his league.  Wright has made one good movie (Pride & Prejudice), one third of a great movie (Atonement) and one that had all the right instruments and band members, but couldn’t eggzactly make a hit song (The Soloist… in retrospect, wethinks our review was a lil too favorable).  Credit to Joe Dubs for tackling something a little bit more fun, and not even necessarily all that dumb, but Hanna is juss another one of his middle of the pack finishing unfinished bidnesses

How could this be?  The movie looks and feels cool, and lil Saoirse Ronan as our titular babe in the woods with the goods is totally a wicked fit (with the bonus of papa Eric Bana as her Mr Qui-Gon Miyagi), but nothing here seems to click or add up to anything worth blagging home about.  It’s not action-y enuff to be an action flick, and its attempts at humor are about as humorous as twelve episodes of Lopez Tonight.  So what is this sorta messy mrs doubt misfire?  A revenge picture with no anger or sense of danger?  An un-professional Professional? A Domino that falls?  Run Lola Run, but running in place? Dogtooth with no bark or bite? Salt that aint kosher? The Boys From Brazil with no balls/zeal? And why all the terrible German accents? Did Tom Hollander do all of his dialect research by watching Sprockets and Udo Kier‘s oeuvre?  Was Udo Kier not available??? And what’s with Cate Blanchett‘s uuuugh-inducing Texas twang?  She’s one sneer away from entering Kathy Batesing it WAY overboardland!!

The only relief comes in the form of a vacationing British family that Hanna latches onto.  Parents Jason Flemyng and Olivia Williams are a good match for each other, her and us, and we were totally digging the vibe of Hanna’s new BFF (Jessica Barden), an OMG WTF bubblegum babbling chav-tastic tween, but all this surrogate sidetracking belongs in a separate movie.  Hactually, most of the fragmented proceedings stitched together here deserve their own individual treatment.  Focus people, focus!!

Remember how TRON 2 worked mostly cause it was one giant Daft Punk video?  Well, Hanna‘s like a 6th rate Chemical Bros vid.  What, was Michel Gondry not available either?  Perhaps he was getting busy with Udo Kier??  UDO KIER!!!!

Caption This!!!:

‘Your Royal Highness, this is that girl who gets raped in that Peter Jackson movie everyone hated, but it really wasn’t that bad of a movie.  Swears!’‘

Verdictgo: it’s passable entertainment, but it could been a contender, so Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Hanna has no sisters at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…