Thighs Wide Shut

we don’t really know anything about football, cept we love it slightly more than our parents and beating off. yet that won’t stop us from predicating the upcoming season, like we have for the past 2 seasons. this year we hactually looked at the entire schedule and figured out who would win and lose each game. you’ll see each team’s record forecast next to their name in parentheses. and w/o further Freddy Adu…

NFC East

You’d think that whomever wears the NFC Beast’s (aka the NFL’s toughest division) crown would be tested enuff to have a clear path to the Super Bowl, but don’t tell that to puppet coach Wade Phillips and the crazy talent loaded Dallas Cowboys (13-3), who haven’t won a playoff game since 1996. Last year’s second in command, the New York Giants (8-8), won more road games last year than Cormac McCarthy facing off against Jack Kerouac on a cross-country Parker Bros tournament to make it to, and beyond sirprizingly win the Super Bowl. Well, the Giants are still a good team, even w/o Gap Tooth McGee, but we expect Eli to return to Earth and his errant passes to stop landing on the velcro attached to his receivers helmets, and juss miss the cut for the playoffs. Everyone’s been hyping up the Super Bowl winless Philadelphia Iggles (6-10), but you juss know that either McSnobb or Westbroke or both will incur some kinda injury and prevent something kinda wonderful from happening. Maybe they should juss forget about chasing Lea Thompson’s skirt [NSFW] and juss bang the drums of Mary Stuart Masterson. As for our beloved Washington Redskins (10-6), we never expect much from them any mo, but they have a wild card in their brand spankin new coach Jim Zorn(!!!!!!!). It could be a complete disaster or it could be the miracle that Chief Zee and the rest of the Redskins faithful have been waiting for since 1992. And if the worst happens, we wouldn’t mind seeing the way too slowly developing Jason Campbell get benched in favor of Billy Dee William’s favorite malt quarterback Colt Brennan. Remember kiddies, the last two times the Giants won the Super Bowl, the Skins won the following year

Boo-nus link: we’re looking fwd to more YouTube madness this season from BradyFan83. his bestest work to date is his Daniel Snyder coaching search laff riot titled Who The Hell Should I Hire

NFC North

Does anyone outside of the Great Lakes area care about this division? Didn’t stinks so. They may have the bestest color combos in the league (well, besides the AFC North), but this isn’t Project Runway and none of them are as bangable as Kenley Collins (bi the gay, we totally wantz to remake The Notorious Bettie Page with her, and have to keep shooting multiple takes of all the nekkid scenes [NSFW]). Farve is gone, so this division is up for grabs. Any takers? The Green Bay Packers (7-9) won’t fall apart, but they won’t be as good without the Wrangler Jeans man, and soon they’ll be sorry that they didn’t let him throw the rest of his career’s interceptions at Lambeau (bi the gay part 38238128, dearly departed Sean Taylor intercepted the pass that put Farve alone atop of the all-time list). You don’t hear Jon Kitna making any bold predictions this year about the Detroit Lions (5-11), so it will come down to the Minnesota Vikings (9-7) and Kyle Orton’s neckbeard, aka the Chicago Bears (9-7). They both have sh&tty QBs, but the rest of their squadrons will make up for their shortcomings. The Vikes will edge out the Monsters of Midgay with a slightly better divisional record, and ruin it all by having a sex boat party, with Coach Childress offering mustache rides all night

Boo-nus link: last year for Halloween Kitna dressed up as Lions’ naked Wendy’s midnight running coach Joe Cullen. it’s gonna be hard to top that this year, but might we suggest that he go as former coach Wayne Fontes dressed up like Cobra Commander

NFC South

For some reason, our mouths water like Ricky ever thyme we think of the NFC South. Probably has something to do with the fact that Popeyes comes from New Orleans (11-5) and Bojangles from Charlotte, where the Carolina Panthers (9-7) call home (take that people from South Carolina who root for em!). The Atlanta Falcons (6-10) are surrounded by fine soul food as well, but the teams with the fried chicken and biscuit sangwiche
s will rule our hearts, and this division. Plus they are still reeling from the Michael Vick dog days of summer and the straight up awful quitting of former coach Bobby Petrino. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-10) got Warrick Dunn back and we’ll take that as a sign of them going backwards… right to the cellar of the NFC South. There’s no way Drew Brees will start the season again with 4 straight losses, 1 TD and NINE INTs! They’ll make up for it big time with Deuce back in the hole and Visigoth Jeremy Shockey doing those silly antics that he anticizes so well. Man, are we hungry, but not as hungry as Charles Mann eating a Swanson’s Hungry Man dinner!

Boo-nus link: skip the beer this fall and sip on Bobby Hebert’s Cajun Cannon Cabernet, in the name of charity, of course

NFC West

In the shockers of all shockers, not involving Jeremy Shockey (and Tara Reid), Hank Shocklee, the shocker or the cast of the refarted Wes Craven movie Shocker, the Arizona Cardinals (10-6), on the grocery baggin back of Kurt Warner, will knock the Seattle Seahawks (9-7) off the NFC West throne that they’ve occupied for 4 straight years. The Seahawks are hurtin at WR and have to lean heavily on the RBBC o’ Julius Jones and Maurice Morris. Having one RB with the same letter to begin both his first and last name is one thing, but when you have two, the world may juss explode. Don’t blame me if this happens, cause Nostradamus’ quatrains containing quadrangles said their right quads will rupture and that George W Bush will win a 3rd term and that John Kerry will never look cool throwing or catching a football. And we all know he called that last one right on da money so be careful peoples!!!! Both the San Francisco 49ers (7-9) and the St Louis Rams (6-10) won’t be as shitastic as they were before, but they’ll have to deal with more growing pains than Carol Seaver

Boo-nus link: apparently our main SeaGal Tessa was the last one picked to make this year’s squad. don’t fret Tess, cause yer #1 in our heart(throbbing)

Seeds:
#1 Dallas
#2 Nawlins
#3 Arizona
#4 Minnesota
#5 Redskins
#6 Carolina

NFC Champs: Nawlins over the Cowboys in a high scoring affair

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Wees Loves: Marion the Barberion, Plax, Michael Turner, Kevin Smith, Nate Burleson, Witten, Chris Cooley and his wife

Wees Hates: McBlabb, anyone on Tampa, Viking & Redskins WRs

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: DeSean Jackson, Devin Hester, Josh Morgan, Kevin Boss and The Big Sleep

wait, you thoughts we weren’t going to include that hott pic of Meagaggggan Good in a Hooter Uni?

yous thoughts wrongs!

stay pooned for our AFC puddin poptacular!

peeweeviously:

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

The Skins winning 4 games to make the playoffs was plenty enuff amazingness to last us until next year. Sure, we were heavily praying to Joe Gibbs’ Jeebus for dem Skins to continue this miracle into February, but asking for anything more than what they already achieved would have been darn right greedy. When you play well for 2.5 minutes and shit the bed for the rest, you probably don’t deserve to win. Oh well. So with the loss that makes the Skins 0-1 when having their plight compared to the Kadeem Hardison joint The Sixth Man and now 0-2 when Tom Cruise is cheering for them in Dan Snyder’s box

As for the rest of the ‘wild’ weekend, the Jags got lucky in America’s most lovable city, and Norvball and the Chargers and Eli and the G-Men finally shook off their playoff ghosts with boring wins over their lame opponents. The win for the Giants is obviously a good thing, cept that means that the headache inducing duo of Tom Coughlin and lil Manning will probably be plaguing Giants fans for the years to come. Good luck in Dallas, the only place they have lost on the road this year. The Packers-SeaGals tilt will be a good one too… as long as Hasseljackass isn’t makin some grand proclamations about scoring… with his brother’s wife. The Colts and Pats will have their hands full this tweakend, but hopefully they’ll both win so the real unoffical Super Bowl can take place a week later in Victor Kiam Stadium

and two qwik things before we go cry in a corner…

if you read only one book this year
written by Broncos kicker Jason Elam
about terrorism and football
peas make it it Monday Night Jihad

and after one showing
were ready to call the new
American Gladiators
the greatestist resurrection
since Tupac’s 28th posthumous CD release!

we hope the show becomes a success
cause it’ll only be a matter of thyme
before The Running Man
becomes a reality

although we’d settle
for a new version
Battle of the Network Stars
or even the Laff-a-Lympics

btw, we still want to bang gladiator Helllllgggga
but now we totally want to get hungry with Wolf
aka the multi-talented Don Yates

when it came to predicting this year’s NFL playoff teams we were about as hot and sloppy as some of the toilet dwellers on RateMyPoo.com (2 correct in the NFC and 4 in the more predictable AFC), but that won’t stop us from picking the winners now that the real show is about to begin. we last gave it a shot/really cared back in the early ‘006, as our beloved Skins were riding a 5 game winning streak on the weak arm of Mark Boo-nell. well, it’s 2 years later and thanks to some Todd Collins wet dreams, our belovededs have won 4 straight and are about to do the impossible…

ok, so we know they probs won’t be facin demselves in the XLII
although Toddball will finally get to add something
under ‘Career Highlights and Awards’ on his wiki page
but wethinks it will turn out a lil sumtang like dis…

yeah really
did yous all forget that the Colts were good?
yous probably did
and who wouldn’t want to see a Farve/Peyto finale?
well, maybe us
but only cause we want to see more
of SeaGal Tessa

YUM

who you gots?

woMan, am I good. Almos as good AND as Megan as Megan Good. Last year we not only picked the Super Bowl winner, but also correctly predicted that 3 NFC East teams would make the playoffs… although I think we got a bit outta hand when we earmarked our beloved Skins to be one of those three. And despite forecasting a postseason spot for the Dolphins and not the Chargers, our mom still thinks of us as a fooball and internets genius, so that’s why we is back to pee view all over our pants and this site what the deli-yo gonna happens in the NFL, still the single greatest league in all the world, well, besides of The League of Justice, 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, and George Teague, if his last name was spelledt with a ‘l’ instead of a ‘t’. Without further Freddy Adu about nothing, roll the ugliness…

NFC East

Juss like we said 8 seconds ago, three outta the four teams in this division made it to the playoffs last season, but this year, none of them deserve to make it. All four optimize what’s wrong with the NFC. They can beat each other, but they barely can beat anyone else of importance on any given sundae from Dairy Queen. The Eagles have never won a Super Bowl, the Cowboys new coach looks like eats too many bread bowls and the Skins would be juss slap happy if they broke even or if Lord Joe Gibbs converted everyone to Christianity, and thus, in a make-it or break-it year, Eli Dakota Manning will lead his G-men back to the playoffs… where another first round exit awaits! Can’t wait to see what Tiki Barber has to say about it! Maybe he’ll have some good head-shaving tips!

Boo-nus link: bread bowl nosher Wade Phillips has got one smokin’ arsed daughter

NFC North

We start this division’s preview juss like last year’s: more like NFC Zzzzzzzzzz. Could there be a bigger set of push-overs for the Bears to face twice a year other than the Vikes, the Pack and the effin Lions? Long gone are the days of the Minn-e dynamic duo of Moss & Carter The Turtle, the post-prom babysitter fondlings of Mark Chmura, and the cowardly Lions, whose den was a dumphole that Barry Sanders somehow blessed with his presence until he couldn’t take it nos mos. And what are those three towns stuck with now? An unsexy sex boat captain, Bubba Franks being about as useful as a 12 pack of tofurkey franks, and Matt Millen, who really can’t stop drafting WRs. Methinks that hethinks that if he drafts 5 of them, the 6th one is on the house!

Boo-nus link: we found four children who actually look up to Rex Grossman. They look up at him not cause they admire him, but cause they’re not as tall as him… yet!

NFC South

The Bucs have more QBs than WRs and the Panthers have more question marks than the combined wardrobes of The Riddler and Matthew Lesko! While dogfighting and the Falcons were so ’06-’07, it’s all gonna be cat juggling and the Saints this season. Life’s mos certainly a Brees in Naw Orleans now dat Drew’s the mos rajuniest cajun since Bobby Hebert. Who dat, tru dat, Tom Wopat! So that doesn’t leave much Piggly Wiggly room for the rest of the Southern gentiles

Boo-nus link: Jeff Gaycia isn’t really gay. Or maybe he is and juss a giant beard for his 2004 Playboy Playmate of the Year honey/wife, Carmella DeCesare. Who? Who cares! NSFW NSFW NSFW!!

NFC West

The 49ers edward james almos made the playoffs last year, and by jove and bon jovi, mark my worms, they’re gonna get there this year, for the first time since the ’02 season! And they’ll also be joined by the hexplosive offenses and diarrheas of the Rams and the Seahawks, which I really do hope happens, cause I totally wanna be JOing to the SeaGals well into the winterly months of early 2008. As for the Cards, their time will come, but as for now, it’s not in the cards

Boo-nus link: does anyone have a better smile than SeaGal Tessa?

Seeds:
#1 New Orleans
#2 Bears
#3 Rams
#4 Giants
#5 Seahawks
#6 49ers

NFC Champs: New Orleans

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Me loves: Alex Smith, Bernard Berrian, Isaac Bruce, a Jason Campbell to Chris Cooley TD fest, and the New Orleans D

Me hates: anyone on the Lions, Bucs, Vikings and Falcons

Don’t sleep on these sleepers from Sleepy’s: any white WR (like Bennett/Furrey/Curtis), D.J. Hackett, James Jones, Antwaan Randle El, Greg Olsen, Eli, Delhomme, Neil Rackers (who’s gonna make up for last season’s shiz storm), and Gondry’s The Science of Sleep

stay pooned for our AFC dazzle razzle shazzale crazzle flizzle madizzle!

There are few things I heart more than professional fooball. And since you didn’t ask, I’ll tell you what dem those few things be: fried chicken, Meg White’s bazongas, anything Stanley Kubrick, and a good ole HJ followed by an even better ole BJ. Now that we’ve established that, we can get on with our 1st pee view into the upcuming season of the NFL and some fantasy jounks to follow…

NFC East

More like NFC Best, or would NFC Beast be a better moniker? Top to bottom, the finest division, once again, in football (may rival the AL East as breastestiest divish is the werld!). Although many like the Eagles as a sleeper (they probably saw Invincible one too many times), I don’t see the Super Bowl winless Cheesesteakheads finishing anywhere butter than 3rd place. The loss of TO is huge, hispecially since his replacements are people you wouldn’t even pick in gym class. Well what about Donte’ Stallworth? More like Donte’ StallworthLESS(than Zero Mostel)!! It’ll be a dog fight betwixt the Skins, the Cowgirls, and the Giants til week 17. Since the ‘Girls get to play ‘Zona and the other two don’t, they may end up atop of the East. Despite the Skins’ lack of O (Randle El will be the QB by week 4) and my loathe of the other two, I actually like all three to make the playoffs, which almost happened last year.

NFC North

More like NFC Zzzzzzzzzz. Ever since TB got the boot from this division, it’s been more poop than Todd Van Poppel’s Score ’91 b-ball card. The Vikes are the Bears’ only competition, as the Packers and Lions are about as lame as Lane Meyer’s attempt at suicide, and that’s not really saying much. If anyone really youthinks the boys in Purple, with their pointless new jerseys (not to be confused with the pointless state of New Jersey) and whorrible mustiachioed coach, can win more than 8 games, I think you should tattoo Zygi Wilf on yer grundle. And Bearskis, even though yer a lock for the #2 spot in the NFC, don’t waste yer time drummin up another Super Bowl Shuffle, although I’d love to see a remake of the Grabowski… whatever the fork that was

NFC South

More like NFC ralph, er, um, whatever. The South, like Jimmy Hart‘s mouth, will no doubt make a bunch of noise this season, as they are undizzley the 2nd breastest division in the NFC. We’d all love to see Reggie Bush turn the ‘aints back into the Saints, but that’s probably a year or two away from happening. Vick blows goats and I don’t really trust Chris Simms’ ability as a starting QB either. I mean the dude looks like a Jake Busey clone gone bad and the only thing JB is good for is dental hygiene and destroying the Tom Skerritt space transporter in Contact. So that leaves the no-brainerness of the Panthers. He Hate Me or not, there’s a lot to love about their chances this year.

NFC West

More like NFC meh. I don’t care what moves ‘Zona made this offseason, they’re still the Cardinals and they still stink wurster than Pigpen licking microwaved tunafish off of Yancey Thigpen‘s monobrow. I’m hactually sirprized the NFL decided to let the Cards and the 49ers play any of their games in the US this year. They both should have been left in Mexico with Ron, even if the ‘fans’ have no clue what’s going on, they’d at least have some sort of support. The Rams, who really should be the Cardinals, are a mess, so the division is the Seacocks’ to lose. And if I still had my virginity, I wish it could be lost on any of the Sea Gals!

Seeds:
#1 Seahawks
#2 Bears
#3 Panthers
#4 Cowboys
#5 Redskins
#6 Giants

NFC Champs: Seahawks

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Me loves: Edgerrin James, Terry Glenn, Chris Cooley, Neil Rackers, Jason Witten, the Seahawks D, Roddy White, Joe Horn, and of all people Keyshawn Johnson

Me hates: anyone on Detroit, the Redskins’ O, Kurt Warner, Vick, any RBBC (Running Back By Comittee) situtation, the Bears’ and the Bucs’ WRs, LJ Smith, and Mike Vanderjagt

Don’t sleep on these sleepers: Mike Nugent, Greg Jennings, Joe Klopfenstein, Brad Johnson, Samkon Gado & Marion Barber (both Green and Jones will go down), the Vikings’ D, and Woody Allen’s Sleeper

pee es – since Kornheiser writes for the Post about once every 13 leap years, the funniest person on staff has gots to be Dan Steinberg (of ‘Starting Lineup‘ fame). Well, dude’s gotsa blog now, and tits gonna be mad hotttttt, so best to keep an eye and a thigh on that shaz!