1982 Japanese Fast Times at Ridgemont High poster

Gangster Squad
The Un-Untouchables
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 113 min

Gangster Squad is gangster garbage… that looks nice.  Hate to say it, cause it’s so awful to say, but this movie needed more human tragedies to happen in order to keep it out of theaters.  Then again, watching Emma Stone’s eyes on a giant screen can make any terd look like a diamond

here’s how the movie went down, in gif form

Sean Penn yells and uses his fingers a lot.  He keeps saying that he owns Los Angeles, but nobody cares except for Josh Brolin’s stupid face

what Sean Penn forgot to mention is that he looks like a sh!tty cross between Dick Tracy’s Flattop & Mumbles

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enter Emma Stone, who is SMOKING

HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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the LAPD be like we need to stop Sean Penn so we need a squad – A GANGSTER SQUAD!!!

throw me a shotgun, cause that’s what gangster squads do!!

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but how are they gonna stop Sean Penn when he so angry about how bad his fake nose looks?!?!?!

and why did he need a fake nose? his normal nose is good enuff to be a bad nose

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and he so pissed that Emma & Ryan are gosling

but America would have Stone-Gosling love in every movie if Hollywood would only give it to us in every movie. GIVE IT TO US HOLLYWÃœRST!!!

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man, Sean Penn is SOOOOO pissed cause the movie’s script is so AWFULLLLLLLLLLL

lines like ‘I’m a cop, and I carry a badge, and I serve AND protect, and {insert clunky generic 40s cop talk here}‘

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Gangster Squad sure has their work cut out for them

better throw me some more shotguns to stop angry Penn!!!

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although you cannot stop angry Sean Penn, you can only hope to contain him

but how do you stop this movie?

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but please never stop Emma Stone being Emma Stone

every man on earth would fcuk her. even gay dudes would

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if that recap made zero sense, that’s what it’s like watching this movie.  The guy who wrote the screenplay is also penning the plays of screen for Lethal Weapon 5, The Justice League + the Logan’s Run remake. heaven AND hell help us.  someone needs to gangster squad his writing hands!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Gangster Squad is currently the angriest Sean Penn movie at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

what’s going on with Sean Penn’s nose in Gangster Squad??????????????????????

HE LOOKS LIKE AN AMALGAMATION OF ALL THE DICK TRACY BAD GUYS!!!!!!!

The Tree of Life
Endless Days of Heaven
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 138  min

What is The Tree of Life?  Is it life?  Is it tree?  Is it of?  Is it Terrence Malick‘s masterpiece above all of his other masterpieces or close to it? Is it 2+ hours of trying to be good/tuff dad Brad Pitt saying ‘hit me‘?  Is it 32 minutes of Sean Penn looking glum and tired, as his walks around cool modern buildings in Texas AND dusty western vistas?  Is it trying to compare wonderful and volatile mother nature vs wonderful and fancy-free mother nurture (Jessica Chastain), who obeys her husband, adores her children and our maker, runs on beds and sometimes floats on air?  Is it playful and mischievous, like their three sons (Hunter McCracken, Laramie Eppler and Tye Sheridan)?  Is it the bestest planetarium footage not seen in a planetarium?  Is it really that sunshiney every 8 seconds? Is it Sunday thru Saturday Evening Post beyond picture perfect looking? Is it really only released in a 2-D version?  Is it the most thoughtful dinosaur movie that isn’t a dinosaur movie?  Is it truly meaningful or is it juss a bunch of phooey baloney or is it both?  Is it poetry in motion?  Is it motion in poetry?  Is it one long montage meditation trying to pass itself off as a movie? Is it even a movie?  Is it over our heads?  Is it the 2001 II we’ve all been waiting for?  Is it American, while feeling and being foreign cause American flicks are barely this ambitious and beautiful anymore?  Is it possible that some other movie could one-up this and win Best Picture?  Is it possible you will hate this cause of its loose narrative?  Is it possible yer an idiot if you boo this?

Is it all of these things?  Is it not?  IS IT???

House As A Life: let the pilgrimages begin!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Tree is miracle growing in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Fair Game
Plame Duck Hunt
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Remember that whole Valerie Plame affair?  That was so 2003!!  Well, if you 5got:  the Plamester was that superfly CIA agent who was outted by her own government as payback against her rebel rousing hubby Joe Wilson, who dared to speak out against the Bush administration’s dubious claims of weapons of mass destruction existing in Iraq, which we all know was the pre-text for going to war.  So what is the Doug Liman directed, Butterworth Bros scripted (based on the books by Val & Joe) flick all about?  The above description, but with a slightly deeper look at how it affected their careers, marriage and home-life!!!  Can you imagine?  You want to do nuttin but help yer country, and when you try to help it in the best possible way, the country takes a giant dump on you and then you can’t even help yerself!!!!  AND then you have to take care of your kids by like feeding them and taking them to playgrounds, and STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

A brave, but quiet Naomi Watts (originally slated to be Nicole Kidman) and an irated potato-head Sean Penn shine in the juicy lead roles (it’s like a less depressing/nude 21 Grams reunion!). They’re surrounded by bunch of quality actors doing fine in nothingish roles, like Sam Shepard, Bruce McGill, Brooke Smith, Ty Burrell and Noah Emmerich, and everything else is fair enuff to be totally watchable.  Yet, truth be told, we actually prefer the fictionalized version of the same events, from a different angle, done up with more drama and intrigue in 2008’s little seen Nothing But The Truth. In Truth, Kate Beckinsale plays a Judith Millerish character who refuses to divulge her source who was the leaky cauldron in a Plame-like outting (Vera Farmiga), and paid the price for doing so by going to jail.  Both films accomplish the same goal, bringing delicate real-life situations of fighting the power to light in a moist entertaining way, and lets its viewers walk away questioning and distrusting all the President’s men.  You go girls!!!!

Platts!!!: Plame & Watts, instant hottie besties!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Fair is Game enuff this Friday in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…