Thighs Wide Shut

caught up on a lot of movies.  no time to devote full diatribes – so quick hitz!

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

Skywalker works because it wasn’t The Last Jedi.  You really screwed the pooch Rian Johnson.  Can’t blame J.J. for trying to right/write the ship when he was handed a mess and a mop and bucket, and had the impossible task of moving on with Princess Leia, when you don’t really have her.  Kudos to you J.J.  I knew this would work when early in the film they were like, hey Rose, wanna join us on this adventure, and she was like, sorry, I need to stay back and be thrown in character jail.  I literally cheered out loud when that happened.

When did servicing fans become a bad thing?  This is a continued trilogy of the original trilogy.  We want more of the same.  Save different fom the next non-Skywalker trilogy

Only REAL misfire?  Lando was underused and basically a waste.  Still, he’s one smooth muther fcuker!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

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Hustlers

This movie is a piece of garbage.  You’d think a movie with endless beautiful actresses barely wearing anything, and riding on poles and crotches for almost two hours would be something watchable.  It’s not.  You count down the seconds until these ‘hustlers’ are caught and the credits roll.  Jo-L deserves a Razzie more than a nomination for any actual award of merit.  She’s a talented entertainer, but not even remotely a talented actress.  Cardi B was no better, but I will admit, I enjoyed seeing her Cardi DD ‘talents’ out on display.  Stay away and just read the original article it’s based on.  It’s enuff to get you off

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

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Parasite (기생충)

If a foreign language movie can keep my attention and grab it (on home viewing) – it’s a success, and Parasite is way more than a success.  It’s like Us, but actually well done and meaningful.

Also, it’s two crazed movies within one.  The first half is a melancholy comedic grifter flick, and then when we go into the basement, it becomes a psychological horror show that’s real horrorshow!

Also, that house should get an award for best movie house!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

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The Last Black Man in San Francisco

I love movies that are soulful postcards of cities.  My Winnipeg comes to mind as one of the best I’ve seen this century. Last Black Man in San Francisco isn’t the best, but it has soul, and the postcard is really damn pretty.  Plus, Emile Mosseri’s score is one of the best scores I’ve heard since Michael Nyman’s for Wonderland.  SCORE!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

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Knives Out

Big stars and a whole lot of big nothing. I’m late to the game here but I don’t see what the big deal is.  Sure, we all like large group Agatha Christie whodunits, but this whodidn’t.  It wishes it was clever.  It wishes it was Clue.  It has a nice title treatment, and Ana de Armas is nice to look it.  The rest??? Blow me Rian Johnson.  Wait, blow yourself.  You can tell he had already been doing so with his ‘snappy’ and ‘witty’ script

Verdictgo: Whatever – it’s not Clue

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stay tuned.  more to pun

Me and Earl and The Dying Girl
Me Hurl and The Dying For This Movie To End
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 104 min

I don’t even know exactly how to sum up how much I didn’t like (and basically HATTTTTTTTTTTTTED) this movie, and I really don’t have to bother since David Edelstein somehow captured my thoughts exactly, but…

if you are looking for a crappier version of…

The Fault in Our Stars

but less romantic

that focuses on one of THE most annoying and non-interesting teenage protagonists I’ve encountered in a while (this is not actually him)

who is forced by his mom to hang out with that super adorable girl from Bates Motel, who has nothing to do in the movie cept have big eyes, and eventually shave her head cause she has cancer

and our annoying teen boy gets by in his dweeby high school life with his quirky black friend (think Urkel, but not really.  I juss wanted to post a gif of Urkel)

and together they re-make movies in a way that’s somehow dumber then the ultra-dumb Be Kind Rewind

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7C8nHAAs70

and the whole movie feels like the 193482382th Wes Anderson Rushmore rip-off you’ve ever seen

and the movie feels like one giant cancer guilt trip, that isn’t worth taking

and for some reason Nick Offerman is in it, and he’s basically as exciting as the grumpy looking cats he looks like

and if I don’t have anything nice to say, too bad, cause I already said it, but don’t see this movie cause it sucks, besides MAYBE the last last 5 minutes, but getting to that last five minutes is pointless torture, but I will say something nice – the Pittsburgh-regional locations for the movie were AWESOME!  Especially the high school they used!

Verdictgo: f this movie, so Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Him, Earl and Toe Jam zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzes you in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1
Lames: Part A Bazillion
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 123 min

I don’t know why I continue to subject myself to the awfulness that is The Hunger Lames movies. THEY IS SO LAMES!!!! #1 and #2 were like giant #2s, covered with endless piles of #2s, peed on with gallons upon gallons of #1s. They be rotten apples. Even more so than the rotten apple that is The Apple