The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Garbage In, Garbage Out
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 146 min

enuff’s been said already…

CATCHING FIRE was a bad bad future movie but @ least tried harder 2b less of a piece of flamin shit than its predecessor. still sucked ballz

— thigh masteя (@thighmaster) November 30, 2013

what’s mindblowing about THE HUNGER GAME movies is how uninteresting the actual hunger games are — thigh masteя (@thighmaster) November 30, 2013

college football and THE HUNGER GAMES have something in common – their games are meaningless and I couldn’t give a sh!t about either — thigh masteя (@thighmaster) December 1, 2013

don’t know if its the actors or the characters they play, but there couldn’t be any less compelling movie people than movie Katnipps & Pita

— thigh masteя (@thighmaster) November 30, 2013

I know there’s a lot of $$ & exposure, but can’t figure out why real actors (Sutherland, PhilSeyMo, Jeff Wright) would take part in garbage

— thigh masteя (@thighmaster) November 30, 2013

 

 

but two positive things to say!!!

the only positive take away from these HUNGER GAMES movies is Stanley Tucci and his hair and teeth going to 11

— thigh masteя (@thighmaster) November 30, 2013

&

@mikescollins – it happened – I have the minor hots 4 Jena Malone – due to her raccoon eyes and elevator action in H GAMES: CATCHING SNOOZES

— thigh masteя (@thighmaster) November 30, 2013

–

wow, what a piece of fcuking crap. it’s JUSS as awful as The Apple, cept The Apple is awesomely bad and Catching Snoozes is just bad (same applied with the first movie)

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Hunger lames it up at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Book Thief
The Time & Energy Thief
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 131 min

There’s some book called The Book Thief by some Australian author named Markus Zusak.  Apparently people read it and were into it, and now it’s a movie.  And the movie, directed by Brian Percival?  Drivel.  Cheesy.  Lame.  Pointless.  Grasping for emotion, but is as emotionless as these people that google say have no emotion.  Zzzzzzzzzzz fest ’41.  Filled with dumb German accents, when they should have just used stupid English accents.  Nothing.  Blah.  Insufferable (that’s how another moviegoer described it to me, as we were both taking a well desrved mid-movie snooze/bathroom break… and no, we weren’t in a bathroom at the time of this exchange of adjectives).  The Book Thief tries so hard to be something Oscar-worthyish, but it’s basically juss a blah pile of wishy-washy-ish-ishy ishness.  But the costumes and sets look pretty decent!!  Who cares??  Yeah, who cares about yet ANOTHER WWII tale, from the view of Germans (BUT THESE ARE GOOD GERMANS!!!), especially when this whole story was made up.  That’s right – pure fiction.  Oh man, oh man.  This movie isn’t terrible, but it’s a terrible waste of time, and of the efforts of those who made it into a movie

I pity poor Geoffrey Rush.  A very gifted actor, forced to be even cheesier here than he was in The King’s Speech.  Instead of teaching a king how to speak clearly, here he’s teaching a girl (a good enuff Sophie Nélisse) how to read.  Oh yeah, the girl likes books, and thieving them, but she can’t read them.  But in The Book Thief, she will steal them, and THEN read them!!!  And then hate it when the Nazis burn them.  DAMN YOU NAZIS!!! And what does reading teach her?  That words help you express things, like stuff!!!  WOWSERS!!!!!  Yeah, and Rush’s wife is Emily Watson, another person I pity.  I pity her cause she has to play a role with about as much character as a rotten carrot on tour.  She yells at the girl, and her husband, and anything that has ears.  Heck, she’d even yell at anything that doesn’t have ears.  If only I didn’t have ears AND eyes.  Makes me also wish that I didn’t have a butt, so I wouldn’t have had to sit thru this dumb dumb movie.  Dear lord.  I need a time machine and somehow get WWII to never happen so we and I and you and everyone we know won’t have to sit thru any more movies like this.  Ughhhhhhh.  Oh, and I pity Ben Schnetzer.  He’s a good lookin dude, playing a Jew on the run who gets Anne Frank hidden by Rush and Watson, and every 30 minutes in the movie, he gets sick, then heals, and then teaches the girl about how words are cool and stuff.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Re-zzzzzzzz.  One person I do not pity is the German boy played by Nico Liersch.  I don’t want to hurt children, but I wanted to punch the crap out of his kid character.  Is that wrong?  I dunno, but this movie is

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

STOP Thief, in limited release tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Don Jon 
Off Beat Beat Off 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 90 min

And the most annoying, poorly made debut film by someone we respect, and now don’t fully respect, cause we hated his film so much, film of 2013 is Joseph Gordon-Levitt‘s Don Jon

If you love a movie that revolves around endless internet masturbation (by a character who doesn’t even know how to clear their own browsing history – ZERO REALISM HERE PEOPLES), gratingly AWFUL hammy Joooursey accents (wish I didn’t have ears), endless annoying annoyingness (wish I also didn’t have eyes), that throws away whatever it ‘built’ up in its first 2/3rds for a final third that feels so out place and nothing to do-ish with them first two-thirds that you’ll juss wish this movie were released on any rock from the sun that isn’t the third one

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Love me some Joseph Jason Jordan Gordon-Gerry-Graydon-Levitt-Stein-Berg.  Always felt like he (and James Franco) was to fill the vacuum that Heath Ledger left with his passing.  For the most part, he has come thru, and we relish anything he does, even if it is doo-doo, but Don Juan?  Beyond thunderdome doo-doo.  I wouldn’t wish this film on my würst enemies, and my würst enemies are sports teams from New York and the south, and George Clooney

JG-L plays the title character – a guy who loves the gym, his boyzzz, and picking up sluts, and going to church, and taaaaawwwwwk-ing with horrible Joouuurrrrssssssey accents with his over-acting parents Tony Danza and Glenne Headly.  He also loves his screen sister Brie Larson, but she doesn’t say a word, just plays on her phone and that’s suppose to be funny.  It’s not.  This movie thinks it’s really funny and clever, but it puts the UN in fUNny, and is more like clNEVER

Things get interesting for Jon (but not for us) when Scarlett Johansson shows up and rocks his world (and destroys our ears with her Joooooororuururusseey accent – that’s worseserererer than everyone else’s).  And then she finds out that he masturbates endlessly, and then awkward funny is suppose to happen, but all that happens is how awkard I felt watching this movie about a guy who beats off.  I beat off.  All men do.  But I don’t want to see a movie about it, especially if it has nothing deep to say about it.  JOing isn’t suppose to be something we think deep about.  It’s actually something we all enjoy doing, but then when the climax happens, it’s best to forget about what juss happened – but sometimes remorse seeks in.  Well, Don Juan is the same, but there’s no climax, and it’s all remorse.  WHY DID WE WATCH THIS???

Later in the movie, Julianne Moore shows up resembling an actual character that we could actually care about, but by the time the focus shifts to her, and away from the other crap that came before it, all wees want is Julianne LESS of anything having to do with this movie

JG-L’s production company is called hitRECord.  He should have hit delete on this whole project

Verdictgo:  Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Donna JOn: if I had to say one nice thing about the movie – I would say that it least it had a lot of hot women in it, like…

Antoinette Kalaj

Don Jon sucks tomorrow at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Bling Ring
Time Theft
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
R | 90 min

Sofia Coppola‘s ‘movie’ about The Bling Ring ringers goes a little something like this…

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repeat repeat repeat

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don’t even bother with this movie and juss read Nancy Jo Sales Vanity Fair article ‘The Suspects Wore Louboutins’, which the movie was based off of

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Bling Ring rings false in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Holy Motors
Un-General Motors
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
NR | 115 min

Nice try Leos Carax, but your film about a guy (Denis Lavant) taking on different roles & disguises for no reason is no Cloud Atlas.  It’s more like Crap Atlas.  It’s more like Inland Empire, but even more pretentious, pointless and worthless.  No, seriously, what is this movie about? Nothing, but this is what happened – the weird role changing guy gets picked up in a limo driven by Edith Scob (she of eyes and no face fame), and goes from place to place being different people for no explained reason and therefore, for no reason.  First stop involves some motion capture sex thing, then it’s off to being that redheaded homeless sewer guy who eats flowers that we previously met in that stupid Tokyo! anthology movie, and this time he’s eating even more flowers and gets to molest Eva Mendes, and then it’s time for the next gig which has him picking up his or someone’s daughter from a party and then yelling at her for being a wallflower, and then it’s time to kill someone that looks like him and then change into his clothing to pretend to be him dead, but then that guy stabs him or something, and then it’s off to be some old guy on his deathbed, and then off to some rooftop to hear Kylie Minogue sing in a crummy wig.  What a night!  OF WHATEVSNESS THAT SUCKS CAUSE IT HAS NO POINT OR PURPOSE BESIDES BEING SOME FRENCH MOVIE THAT ISN’T ALL IN FRENCH THAT IS PURE GARBAGE!!!  Then he finally goes home (as himself, or is it???  who cares!) to his family, a female ape wife and their lil ape child.  Er, um, OK.  Oh, and Holy Motors is a company or something, and at Holy Motors HQ, the limos sleep, and talk!  Limos talk, and no one’s brains will be blown away, cause the movie is taking a giant dump on your brain.  Wish we could sh!t on this movie, cause it’s the fcuking würst cause I said so.  Others think it’s genius, so they deserved to be pooped on too cause they is refarted

Oh wait, I forgot!  There was actually ONE awesome scene in the movie.  Hmmm, strange that I would remember all the dumb ones, but not the awesome one, but anywho, here it is (and yes, it too has no meaning or point, but it’s still awesome)

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Holy Motors is currently not fit to drive in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…