Thighs Wide Shut

House at The End of The Street
Dead End On Arrival
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 101 min

There’s a house in this movie, but its actual location on its street is never EVER determined. It could be at the beginning of the street or even in the MIDDLE of the street, but it is never ever noted that the house is actually located at the end of the street.  So why bother naming your movie House at The End of The Street?  Guess Generic Sorta Horror Movie X was juss not catchy enuff.  Having a poorly used title is one thing, but being a poor movie in general is another

OK, so the house did have some murders in it, which we see in the very first scene, but they are about as creepy as the bleeps and the sweeps were in Spaceballs… which means they are not creepy at all.  The presentation of these murders was purty darns silly, and it sets the tone for everything else from there on out – laffable

You will laff at the kid (Max Thieriot) who still lives in the house that his parents were murdered in, and who keeps his sister (the murderer?????????????????????????????) locked in the basement, and who doesn’t do such a good job at keeping her locked in the basement, cause she’s always getting out and running in the woods and screaming and stuff.  And you will laff at his budding romance with his new neighbor Jennifer Lawrence, who sings laffable love ballads for zero reason other than to maybe launch a blah singing career to add to her blah acting career.  We wouldn’t dare laff at J-Law’s hot MILF Elisabeth Shue, cause we’re actually crying at her, cause she deserves better than this, like more adventures in babysitting or having MORE liquor being poured on her boobs [NSFW]

Anywho, stuff happens, but so does sh!t, and the twists that come our way are about as shocking as Jeremy Shockey doing something douchey, and when your movie is about as shocking as Jeremy Shockey doing something douchey, it means your movie is pretty f$%king stoopid

Street Treat: we want to eat off Allie MacDonald‘s dollar menu!!

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Street has no outlet today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Grey
Crash Grab
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 117 min

From the looks of the image above, Joe Carnahan‘s The Grey looks like a Liam Neeson kicks mad a$$ with broken gla$$ flick from frame one til frame done, but guess what?  THIS ONLY HAPPENS IN ONE OF THE VERY LAST FRAMES OF THE MOVIE AND THEN IT CUTS TO THE CREDITS BEFORE ANY ACTUAL KICK A$$ WITH GLA$$ HALF-FULL OF AWESOMNESS STUFF HAPPENS!!!!  So what leads up to this end shot?  Um, these ragtag dudes (Liam + Dallas Roberts, Dermot Mulroney, Frank Grillo, etc) work in Alaska or something and are going home or something, but then their plane crashes or something, and the people who survive the crash try their very best to stay alive, and by doing so, they tell really boring stories and show pictures of their loved ones, but we’re sure their families don’t give one sh%t about them cause we don’t care about these people and we only had to spend a little under two hours with them.  And what about them GREY wolves?  Oh yeah, they’re all about wanting to eat these survivors and come in and out of the movie like every 15 minutes so we don’t fall asleep.  Guess what, not even the wolves eating the survivors can prevent the snoozes

moral of the story – forget you even saw that image above and instead juss rent a real life survival story, like the brilliant docurama - Stranded: I Have Come From A Plane That Crashed On The Mountains, aka the bestest movie we saw in 2008 

Making Progress: before he hunted down wolves and eastern Europeans, Neeson made his acting debut in 1979’s Pilgrim’s Progress

Verdictgo: has no real reason for being, herspecially anything but boring, so Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

The Grey is shady at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

In Time
Watch Stop
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 109 min

It doesn’t take much time into Andrew Niccol‘s In Time to tell that it is gonna be a one giiiiiiiiant waste of time.  Crying farking shame, cause this coulda been a better Logan’s Run (beautiful youth, with impending expiration dates), but instead it’s more like a stinkier and more boringing Matrix II & III (super well dressed peoples stuck in a bunch of super super super lame & cheesy sci-fi situations).  URGH!!!  How did the guy who gave us the grand Gattaca deliver us such a steaming piece of crappica?  HOW?!??!?!

Here’s how – think of every pun and cliché that could be derived using the word ‘time’ and any other unit of time measurement and that’s the entire script for In Time.  There’s not enough TIME to explain how stupid this movie is.  But we do have just a few SECONDS to tell you that Cillian Murphy should probably take a TIME out from playing brooding baddies, and that TIME may be running out on Vincent Kartheiser playing weasley dudes that are eggzactly like the weasly dude he is on Mad Men, and that Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried might be nice to look at, but not so much to listen to, since they both seem to have graduated from a two MINUTE acting school.  Let’s CALL IT A DAY and juss say that the only thing that STROKED OUR COCK CLOCK in the whole sha-bang-whimper was Seyfried’s ginger bob, duhvsz

Well Worth Our Time:

Bella Heathcote

+

Sasha Pivovarova

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

In Time will soon be out of time and theaters near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Dark of The Imgination
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 157 min

T-III starts off with sum revisionist history of the moon landing, and it was like Houston, we have an awesome.  Everything after that was a bigger disaster than The Challenger space shuttle.  It’s so stoopid and beyond boring that it is hactually OK to compare it to such an awful tragedy in American history

This sums up everythings:  When Ken Jeong delivers your most ‘credible’ performance, your movie flat out sucks times 388737237739083478378478923767815281506507416561780570641756178657645164375816347856875643756786578134651873657813658761751656756745187651658745165765761756785617856875389389060547967076091780870934788765876586751678561874568765784365

OK, we do have to award 3 small bonus points for the employment of 80s Russian movie guy Elya Baskin, and funny white guys Andrew Daly and Alan Tudyk, but they and we all deserve better than this… anything but this

Never again Bay, NEVER AGAIN

And even if Bay isn’t doing the next one, there will be no next one for we

Michael Bay – Bad With Eye Diarrhea, Good With Eye Candy:

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley

Inna Korobkina

Meredith Monroe

Danielle Fornarelli

Elena Kolpachikova

Jesse ‘World’s Greatest Extra’ Heiman

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

III is a giant #2 at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Hangover Part II
Hung Out, Too Dry
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 102  min

The Hangover I was purty darns good (remember kids, we usually don’t say such nice things about modern comedies!).  Its sequel, not at all.  It’s one thing to repeat the entire plot (in a new, more exotic setting!!!), but it’s another to not come through on the only thing that matters – jokes that cause laughter.  Don’t know if the script was rushed into being, or perhaps the writers (Craig Mazin and Scot Armstrong, along with director Todd Phillips) honestly thought that they had constructed something truly hilarious, but the only souls laughing here are the studio heads, all the way to the bank with the buckoo-bucks we handed over to them for this uninspired and tired effort.  Who’s game for a third one?  Probably everyone but the audience!!

You know your comedy doesn’t work if you can’t make any use of Zach Galifianakis‘ talent.  Wonder what Zachy thinks of the script, especially since this material is 9 feet beneath him + the fact that he sorta hates the hand that feeds him.  It’s not like the acting is bad (Bradley Cooper and Ed Helms do what is asked of them), well, unless we’re talking about the ‘acting’ of half note ‘actor’ Ken Jeong (who makes awful novice Mason Lee look like Charlton Heston), and the direction is fine (it does resemble a thing that we call a movie), but 1nce again, it comes down to this – THERE ARE NO LAUGHS.  Well, that’s not not entirely true.  There were probably 2 of them (‘K’ as in knife, is one of them), and of course none came from the tongues of Ken Jeong, poor bland Justin Bartha, a wasted Paul Giamatti, or that smoking monkey that’s suppose to be hilarious cause it’s a monkey that smokes!!  Ha, ha, ha.  So funny that we forgot to laugh

Hangover 10: Kim Lee

not to be confused with Lee Kim

Verdictgo: Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

be a teetotaler and stay away from yer local theater showing The Hangover II

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…