Thighs Wide Shut

Had we never been entranced slightly amused by Step Up 1 [TWS review] you wouldn’t be reading this right now. And if you never saw Step Up 1, you probably shouldn’t bother with its sequel, which really has nothing to do with the first one, other than the locations and a brief dancing cameo by Channing Tatum (G.I. Joer Duke). The cast refresh for SU2TS is a good thing, although the faux Channing Tatum isn’t as charming as the real thang, and going from Rachel Griffiths to this d-bag is beyond a Step DOWN. And the plot? Who cares when there’s plenty o’ gyratin’ and ass-shakin’ to be done (esp in that hot wet scene at the end), that’s all nicely packaged in a PG-13 kinda way. This baby is (Balti)more or less the bestest/worstest dance sequel since Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, even if it make about as much sense as Giuliani’s presidential campaign. What more is there to say cept Briana Evigan > Jenna Dewan, duhvs!

we hope to see Evigan (who reminds us of a younger version of Lisa Sheridan) again and again

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): sorta Jeepers Worth A Peepers, but only if you enjoyed SU#1

Cloverfield
The Who Cares Which Project
Trailers & Mo

85 minutes of shaky camera work is quite the assault on the eyes. But we’d choose that torture 4 zillion outta 4 zillion and 1 times instead of listening to the character ‘Hud’ babble on for any longer than 3 seconds. The special effected destruction of NYC was purty darn cool, but giving it the backseat to the perils of a few lameazoid twentysomethings was the wrong way to go. So what woulda been the right way? A film adaptation of the classic game Rampage. Not a total loss, cause we’d totally bang Odette Yustman in that hole in her shoulder. YUMM-O!!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

both flicks be in theaters NOW

I think the last dance movie that I was forced to sit thru, and kinda enjoyed, from barf to Finnish was Dirty Dancing (I tried watching D2: Havana Nights on HBO, but lasted about as long as me on top of Lucy Pinder). Since then I’ve passed on the likes of Take The Lead, Honey, Save the Last Dance, Dance On My Poo, Lambda Lambda Lambada, and Breakin 14: Electric Six Go To The Gay/Blue Oyster Bar. Good for me that I didn’t see any of those cause I bet they’re all carbon (or would ‘boronic’ be a better use of the periodic table?) copies from the Mad-Libs of Hollywood Dance movies. I mean, can it even call itself a dance movie if the two main characters aren’t polar opposites and are only united by the the world of DANCE!?!? Step Up follows the same Jello mold and breaks no new ground, but then again, it doesn’t eggzactly hit the ground with a giant thud either. Sure there’s about .00000001% drama in the whole thang (some character is shot to death for no reason other than to basically kill whatever comic relief eggsisted in the film) and it’s more laffable than reading 48928424119 Laffy Taffy wrappers (white people dancing is always funny, see the Senior Prom scene in She’s All That), but I can’t in good conscience say that I didn’t enjoy myself. Maybe cause I was Mystery Science Theatering throughout, gettin all stoned by the cuteness of up and comer Alyson Stoner, pondering if Jenna Dewan and Adrian Grenier were the same person, or more importantly, scheming ways to sell Natalie Steinberg to Pepsi as the new Hallie Kate Eisenberg

IMDb Sweeney: What kinda’ve’a name is Channing Tatum? Was Stockard O’Neal too much of a stretch? With a real full name of Channing Bryan Isaac Tatum Anderson , I think he coulda picked something a lil butter like Williams Jennings Bryan Bozworth, or even Po Tatum

Thumbs Up Yer A$$: movie maverick genius wunderkind douche bag Kevin Smith gives an up to Up

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Strangers With Candy
Flatpoint High Low
Trailer

This is not only the mos disappointing film of the year, but probably the mos disappointing film I have EVER seen. There was more promise to be had here in the big screen adaptation of the greatest doublespeak TV show of balls thyme than all the promises made by the Union leader candidate to the workers of the Promise® Buttery Spread factory, if he/she were elected. If yer a huge fan of the TV show, I’m sure you’ll find nothing but contempt for this pointless exercise in why thumcredible things are best kept alone. If you never saw the show, avoid this like the plague, or Triaminic, which is like the plague for kids, and juss rent all 3 seasons. You’ll laff yer a$$ off, gar-on-tea-bagged! If not, you boviously have no taste and are probably already camped out for Employee of the Month

Possible Porno Name: Strangers With Hand Jobs

Some High School Assemblies Required: meet Florrie Fisher, the OG Jerri Blank

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Excellent Cadavers
Sicily Tyson’s Punch Out
Trailer (in Italiano)

Whorrible title, hella interesting doc. Is there anything that captivates like the mafia does? Yeah, maybe midgets wrestling big breasted women in chocolate pudding, but since no one has made that IMAX movie yet, czech out this in-depth look at a few good men’s near impossible task of ridding Sicily and Italy of it’s dirty dirty Jewish mafia ties

Unsatisfied with this? (haven’t seen, so can’t fully vouch, but) Netflix ’99’s docudrama of the same subject, with the same name, Excellent Cadavers [trailer], which stars Chazz Palminteri AND F. Murray Abraham!!!!!!!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Creepers Worth A Peepers