Side Effects
Moody Mara
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 106 min

Steven Nerderbergh‘s oeuvre is filled with so many hits AND misses, although it seems like there’s more misses than hits, and yet everyone seems to love all of his movies regardless of what we think.  For every killah Bubble or Informant there’s those Ocean 911 garbages or flix that seem like they’d be super dope but really are snooze-fest drecks, like The Whore Experiment or Che Parts 1 thru 289932919392 

Apparently Nerdy’s retiring.  Yeah, I believe that about as much as I believe that REM’s done for good, but if Side Effects is his ‘swan song’, well, then, I don’t know what it really says as a departing shot, but as a movie independent of Nerderbergh’s ‘closure’, Side Effects is a thriller that simply thrills.  There are surprises around some corners, and the corners that aren’t surprising are corners still worth turning!

So what exactly happens?  WON’T TELL, but Rooney Mara gets moody and confusing (probably cause she’s not hot people!!!), and Jude Law tries to help her, but is he hurting her or himself????  WHAT WHAT WHAT!!?!??!?!  And like Channing Tatum is Marion Crane, KINDA, sorta, MAYBE, ok NO TELLING, but he doesn’t overly Tatum his Channings in this one.  And then Catherine Zeta-Jones pops in and out and keeps pushing…

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Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Side Effects affects at a theater near jews this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Haywire
The MMA Experience
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 93 min

Having a tough time trying to figure out what to make of Steven Nerderbergh‘s Haywire.  It’s kinda La Femme Nikitaish, but feels more like a 90s Steven Seagal flick with shades of whatever that Jim Jarmusch movie was.  See what we mean?  But there’s one thing that’s super clear - Gina Carano kicks ass, on screen and in general.  Credit Nerderbergh for plucking her from his TV watching to his movie-making, but maybe he should have left the plucking to someone else.   He’s got this ace in the hole, but doesn’t seem to know what to do with it, cept occasionally let her kick

Apparently what he decided to do was make a half-baked tale of a hired gun (foot?) who gets double crossed and then needs to double back in order to set things doubly straight.  By the time we get to the end and the 5 Ws get ‘revealed’, it seems a little too late to make this simple plot seem complex

But… it really doesn’t matter what transgressed cause we get to watch Carano mix it up all over America and Europe with the likes of Ewan McGregor (why don’t movies juss let him speak in his natural accent?), Michael Fassbender (no wang dangling here), Michael Angarano (hey, it’s that guy!), Channing Tatum (he’s kinda the best wurst actor ever), Michael Douglas (brings instant gravitas to anything), Antonio Banderas (bearded!), Mathieu Kassovitz (also bearded! and always a pleasure to see him) and Bill Paxton (who’s so great that someone had to make a pinball game about him!).  And any movie with that crew crewing it up is bound to be watchable, cause it’s true

moral of the story: this is a good start for Carano’s young movie career, but ultimately it’s kinda like a Girlfriend Experience with zero sex and more kicking

American Glad We Don’t Hate Her: WE KNEW CARANO LOOKED FAMILIAR!!!! 

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Haywire kicks it at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Contagion
Semi-Avoid This Like The Plague
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

And the unscariest lame scary movie that wasn’t intended to be a scary movie is… Steven Nederbergh‘s Contagtgitiontioniagagaionagioanggaaioaniatgaionattaoon!!!  This coulda been 28 Days Later, but ended up being about as adventerous as 28 Days Slater!!!  Gwyneth Paltrow foams at the mouth to death within the first 15 minutes and then it’s pretty much Purell pure-hell of boredom the rest of the way!!!!  Not even bats feeding pigs feeding humans causing problems on Day 1 can make us give a sh#t about any day that followed.  Contagtioaianiataianigaianaian did for germs what Food, Inc did for unhealthy eating – not change our minds on the subject whatsoever.  Bring on the tainted pig, please!!!!

Colombiana
More Like Colombian-MEH
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 108 min

Luc, stop writing and producing easy action garbage (like Colombiana), and directing kids movies, and juss reunite with Natalie Portman and make yer name mean something once again.

Here’s hoping your Lady aint shady

Verdictgos: both be Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Contagion & Colombiana are C minuses at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…