Last Christmas
Wham! Bam! Mostly No Thank You Ma’am?
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 103 min

For 18/19ths of this movie (which I brought an infant in a stroller to!!!  BEST DAD EVER), I was like, this is worse than a Hallmark Christmas movie!!!!  THERE’S NOT EVEN A SINGLE GAZEBO IN THIS FILM!!!  AND MICHELLE YEOH, WTF??  WHY ARE YOU SUCH A SOURPUSS PRISS IN EVERY MOVIE NOW (co-starring Henry Golding)?????  GO AWAY MICHELLE YEOH!!!!  Crazy BITCH Asian, amirite????

But then a twist happens around the 18/19th mark and the plot is revealed to be the lyrics to the title Wham! track and I was like, WOAH!  THIS MOVIE IS NO LONGER AWFUL!  It’s a joy!!! And hey, look, there’s Andrew Ridgley!!  Who sadly was not dressed up like this…

or this

Jitterbug!

Verdictgo: NOT AWFUL!

Chistmas Lasts at a theater near jews and white nationalists 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

A Private War
Duty For Reporting
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
R | 106 min

Journalist Marie Colvin went to some hellish places and lived to report about it, until her luck ran out. Matthew Heineman‘s biopic about her – A Private War – starring Rosamund Pike as the fearless writer – shows us where she went and what she did, but we never really get a real sense of her or her work and why it was so vital.  Bombs go boom.  She loses an eye.  She drinks heavily.  She wins awards.  She drinks more.  She’s a mess.  And yes she keeps going into the arms of danger to let the world know about other atrocities.  Bombs continue to go boom and the rest of the cycle in the movie keeps going on and on.  It’s not until the very end where we hear her reporting from the field, in a call into Anderson Cooper on CNN, that you start to appreciate and feel for her, her work, and her struggle.  Everything else that came before that just felt like a struggle to watch 

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

War wages today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Crazy Rich Asians
Can’t Buy Me Love or Entertainment
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 121 min

I didn’t read the book Crazy Rich Asians (I’m into non-fiction, not made up malarkey), but I always like a good love story, and the one between Rachel Chu (Constance Wu) and Nick Young (Henry Golding) is a good enuff love story, albeit a pretty typical one (commoner finds a prince, who so happens to be crazy rich, so differences must be overcome – AND THEY DO!)

But the rest of the movie?  Pomp(us) and circumstance that is Baz Luhrmann-Gatsby-esque, but is hardly AS fun, and sadly, zero funny, which is what the movie sorely needed.  Sure, there’s ‘comic relief’, in the form of a raunchy playboy (‘Silicon Valley’s Jimmy O. Yang), Rachel’s BFF (Awkwafina), and her BFF’s dad (Ken Jeong), but nothing comes across as comical or a relief (which is not hard to believe, considering how un-funny Ken Jeong is) 

All we get is cartoony side characters who hardly make a mark, and worse, a yawn-y ‘evil’ mother (Michelle Yeoh) with stares more icy than these icy stairs.  You can’t please her!  And in turn, the movie didn’t really please me 

It’s a hard to believe that Jon M. Chu, who directed both the THIGHly entertaining Step Up 2 The Streets AND Step Up 3D, couldn’t make and shake and bake moves with this material.  It’s not really rich material to begin with (we need more Joy Luck Clubs, and less of this), but I’ve seen more entertaining Hallmark movies with 1/128929292929th the budget

Count me out for the sequel.  I’ll stick with the original crazy rich Asians…

Verdictgo: the lowest Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges possible

Rich Asians are pretty mild at a theater near jews and white nationalists 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

8 Fast 8 Furious (The Fate of the Furious)
The DEFLATE of the Furious
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 136 min

Welcome to 8 Fast 8 Furious!

(previously – #4 / #5 / #6 / #7)

And so long my unquestioned love of the Furious films!

Wait, what????

Yep, the Fate of The Furious may have sealed it’s fate by reaching a point of no return.  It may NEVER be able to return to the days of pure dumb fun, and may just keeping going (of course it will keep going), minus the fun – aka, pure DUMB

HOW IS IT SO??!?!??!?!

I dunno, but when did our beloved hot-head car racers turn into SEAL Team Six meets G.I. Joe????????????????

is this picture from 8 Furious or G.I. Joe? is there even a difference??

Why do they have to stop Bond villains from stealing bombs, on ice???

is this picture form 8 Fast or that awful Bond flick Die Another Die?

When did it become the Fast crew’s job to do things above their pay grade, and above what they really need to be doing – which is juss drive cars, fast, and impress fast hot chicks!  

And when did the bad guys all become fairytale cyberterrorists???

WTF Fast and Furious?  

And where did the humor go?  Sure, Tyrese has some good lines (one in particular, when trying to read Cyrillic Russian), and Jason Statham makes cute baby talk, but whoever is writing the one-liners should be given a one-way ticket to be buried alive.  What, was the guy who wrote the Running Man screenplay buried alive and not available?

Is this what happens with Paul Walker’s character walks away??  You have to go bigger and worse???  Or you have to have more scenes of talking, and less scenes of driving???  I mean the remote controlled car scene was INSANE, but, what is going on here?  Maximum Overdrive IN OVERDRIVE????

I mean, I feel that the road we’re headed on – 9 Fast 9 Furious will find our beloved crew saving the Earth from aliens!!!!  

and of course I’ll be there to witness it.  juss please make it fcuking good.  PLEASE!! and dump the stuff that doesn’t belong that is making Fast seriously slow

Verdictgo: the lowest that Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges goes

I am furious at Furious, currently at a theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Manchester By The Sea
All Pain, No Gain
Official Site| Trailer & Mo
R | 137 min

Manchester By The Sea???

MORE LIKE MANCHESTER BY THE ZzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZzZZzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

amirite?  I am!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Mansnoozter currently zzzzzzzzzzzzz

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…