Killing Them Softly
More Like Talking Them Lotsly
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 97 min

Two foolish hoodlums (that wily scuzzy awesome Australian guy with a lisp - Ben Mendelsohn & that guy who had a mustache in Argo and has some horrible accent thing going on here - Scoot McNairy) go for a quick score and end up with more trouble than the score was worth.  Aint that always the truth?  The lead up to the score, and the score itself are top notch cinematic stuff, AND TENSE!, but the rest that follows in the fall-out is about as interesting as listening to politicians from 2008 talk about the failing economy.  Oh wait, that IS what happens.  We get to hear GW Bush & Obama & McCain blab on and on about the economy in the background, while we try to stay awake listening to Brad Pitt, James Gandolfini and Richard Jenkins blab about mob economy, hookers and killing in the foreground.  Sounds eggciting, dunnit?  It’s not.  Not even seeing Ray Liotta get his a$$ beat down by Vinnie Delpino from Doogie Howser can make up for the unexciting talking that keeps getting talked

No real shock here in the blahdum, since this movie was made by Andrew Dominik, the dude who gave us The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford aka The Great Time Robbery.  We are audiences of action, not words.  Give us action, not words.  And give us more than 8 seconds of Sam Shepard, and give us less than zero seconds of Vincent Curatola, that annoying guy from The Sopranos who is annoying here too cause he’s annoying.  Oh, and there’s one woman in the entire movie and she’s a hooker, and she gets so bored by James Gandolfini talking that she gets to leave the movie.  Wish we could have done that.  Or wish the movie jettisoned Pitt and all the other tough talkers and juss let Ben Mendelsohn shoot drugs and people, and perhaps shoot his mouth off, as he was the only character worth listening too, even if he was always talking shiiiiiiiiiiiit

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Softly aint so hard in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2
Yawns Will Never Be Brokens!!!!!!!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 115 min

IT’S OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Spank god.  What a crap saga that there was.  Hope the girls really really really enjoyed it, cause everyone else with eyes and ears and any bit of sense knows that this was one giant waste of everything.  EVEN THE CREDITS WERE A WASTE OF CREDITS!!!!!!!!  How did I see every single one of these movies?  HOW!?!?!?!?  OK, we’ll admit that the first one was kinda fun, mainly cause there was…

VAMPIRE BASEBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but after Twilight 1, there was no more vampire baseball, and therefore no reason to care.  well, besides gawking at how hot Ashley & Jackson is were

we would rathBONE both of them, at the same time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  who wouldn’t?!????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????!!!??!

oh, so what about Breaking Yawn 2?  There were like Russian communist vampires and Irish vampires with worser Irish accents than the president of the Irish Spring Soap Company LLC LTD.  There are also like Amazon vampires, and like Arab vampires, and they’ve come from all corners of the world to help Bella (why does everyone and their mother and their mother and their mother have to help her?  WHO CARES ABOUT BELLA!?!?!??!  IF YOU LET HER DIE EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE!!!) and Edward’s daughter Renesmiameassance festival live and not die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Who wants her dead?  Oh, the Voltrons of Vatican Vampire City, who are led by Michael Sheen, who is so campy that he’s opening a summer camp of campy, but it’s nowhere near as campy or queer or awesomes as the summer campy camper van beethoven he brought in TRON 2

THIS JUST IN – TRON 2 WAS FCUKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this earth is so wrong that there’s like 9 Twilight movies and only 2 TRON movies!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: who cares, cause no vampire baseball = not worth rating

Twilight IS OVER, at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Rust and Bone (De rouille et d’os)
The Diving Belle & The Butterface
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 120 min

So there’s this French movie where Marion Cotillard trains & plays with whales at French Sea World or something, to the sound of Katy Perry’s ‘Firework’.  Then one day something goes HORRIBLY wrong and like whales hurt her and she loses BOTH OF HER LEGS!!  So legless Cotillard aint having the best of times.  She has no legs, her boyfriend took off, and she can’t train & play with whales at French Sea World or something

Luckily she met this ‘hunky’ guy (Matthias Schoenaerts) before the accident, and maybe he can help her.  Guess what, HE DOES!!!  This dude is like a low-life dude who would rather work out and bone chicks than face responsibility, like taking care of his son.  He is also some sort of amateur boxer and is involved in super ghetto backyard gypsy brawls for cash.  Cotillard joins him on one of these ghetto matches and becomes transfixed by them, and by him, and at some point she becomes his manager, and than at some other point they start boning, juss so she can bone again.  Is it platonic boning or is it boning with feelings?  By the time the question is answered 17 hours have passed and she still wishes she was whaling out to Katy Perry and there’s rust on your eyes and they are mad bone dry

Yep, it’s one of these movies where a hot person seems to get less hot by gaining a disability, but in the end they end up more beautiful than they were before!!!!  Sorry to say kids, but Rust and Bone (De rouille et d’os) aint no Diving Bell and the Butterfly (Le Scaphandre et Le Papillon).  SacreTRU!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Bone bares in New York today and in LA on December 7th and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Hitchcock
Nobody Toby Does It Better
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 98 min

Ever wonder how Psycho got made?  Read wikipedia.  But if you don’t know how to read, we guess you can settle on Sacha Gervasi‘s sorta making of tale, that has more to do with Hitchcock eating & drinking & cigar smoking & spurning his behind the scenes wife & collaborator Alma Reville (Helen Mirren) than it does about mastering suspense.  This movie has zero suspense and about zero mastery of anything, and Anthony Hopkins seems to be imitating Batman’s Penguin more than he’s trying to emulate Sir Alfred.  But it’s watchable.  You can watch Scarlett Johansson have Janet Leigh’s hair or Jessica Biel‘s teef stick out like Bugs Bunny as she tries to be Vera Miles.  The only truly interesting thing (besides the employment of Ralph Macchio!) was the devil on Hitch’s shoulder being none other than the film/book’s true psycho inspiration - Ed Gein (played by the one and only Michael Wincott!), leading we to believe that an Ed Gein biopic (a real one, not this BS) woulda been a better movie to make than a snoozy look at Ant Hopkins in 3893939 lbs of flabby make-up

BUT you can do better – you can watch HBO/BBC’s The Girl, which is more about Hitchcock tormenting Tippi Hedren than it is about Hitchcock & the making of The Birds, but it’s actually a movie movie, instead of a nothing nothing trying to be something + Toby Jones FCUKING KILLS IT as Sir Alfred, and it’s dirty and sexy + Sienna Miller gets dirty and sexy and she’s the breast.  Good for Toby!  He was the better Capote in the better Capote movie, but his Capote came wayyy after Capote 1 came out, so he got a raw deal, like not getting the Oscar that went to Phil Sey Hoffs (he was good, just not AS good as Tobes).  Well, this time, Toby’s Hitchcock joint got out the gate first, but since it’s an HBO movie and not a movie in a theater, he once again won’t get his due for doing right.  In all honestly, Hopkins’ Hitch flick belongs on TV and Toby’s belongs at a theater near jews.  GO TEAM TOBY!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Hitchcock hitchshlocks inin limited release Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Red Dawn (2012)
Woolite®verines
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 114 min

Sorry Dan Bradley, but you are no John Milius.  Sorry Chris Hemsworth, but you are no Patrick Swayze.  Sorry Josh Peck, but you are no Charlie Sheen. Sorry Adrianne Palicki, but you are no Jennifer Grey.  Sorry Isabel Lucas, but you are no Lea Thompson.  Sorry Josh Hutcherson, but you are no C Thomas Howell.  Sorry Connor Cruise, but you are no Darren Dalton (but you are the son of Tom Cruise!) (wait, who’s Darren Dalton?).  Sorry Jeffrey Dean Morgan, but you are no Powers Boothe (BUT WE STILL LOVE YOU!).  Sorry Brett Cullen, but you are no Harry Dean Stanton.  Sorry Chinese North Koreans, but you are no Russians. Sorry Red Dawn 2012, but you are no Red Dawn 1984.  It’s true.  More like it’s false!!!!

Red Dawn 2012, If you were named something else, like Yellow Dawn or Thor & Peta & That Girl From FNL Kick North Korean A$$, well, then maybe you wouldn’t be such a bad movie, cause you really AREN’T a bad movie, but since you’re calling yourself Red Dawn and are ‘trying’ to be a ‘fresh’ new take on the original Red Dawn, comparisons must be made, and plain and simple, there is no comparison.  Your movie may have more explosions, but your movie has zero of the heart & soul (and even scariness) of the original (which still holds up, btw!!!!!).  So what’s the point?

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Food, Folks & Gone: in the original RD, there were some scenes that took place in and around a McDonalds, as seen in the trailer & photos below, but they were cut from the final film, probably maybe because of the San Ysidro McDonald’s massacre that happened in the same year.  strange.  would have love to have seen them commies order a McVodka Flurry and have Patrick Swayze shove it in their faces!!!

Dawn of the meh rises at a theater near jews this Wednesday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…