Thighs Wide Shut

The Law in These Parts
Uncommon Law
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
NR | 101 min

In 1967, Israel won a war in six days.  They called it the Six-Day War.  Part of their ‘victory’ included occupying the Gaza Strip and the West Bank.  Recognizing the need to instill immediate law and order in these occupied lands, Israeli lawmakers set up immediate laws and orders.  If you didn’t know, Israel is still occupying those there lands, and those there laws and orders are still in place.  Guess what, a lot of them laws and orders are pretty unjust, but justice is blind, right?  Director Ra’anan Alexandrowicz doesn’t think so, so he gathered a bunch of those Israeli dudes who created & interpreted them laws and tries to hold them accountable.  Sounds like a good idea, but the gist is gotten after about 30 minutes, and then yer stuck watching the same point being hammered home for another hour, and it grows about as tiresome as the Israeli-Palestinian conflict itself.  WHEN WILL IT END?????

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Laws are enacted in NY only and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Loneliest Planet
Don’t Take A Hike
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
NR | 113 min

If you love watching people hike and not much else, well then, do I got the movie for you!  It’s called The Loneliest Planet and it’s about as riveting as actually hiking!  If you skip this movie, this is what you’ll miss – hiking, conjugation of Spanish verbs, more hiking, the most irritating rendition of ‘Don Gato’ you’ve ever heard, even more hiking, a guy that’s like Borat but not funny, and even more more hiking!  And there’s this redhead (Hani Furstenberg) who’s kinda not hot, but she’s kinda OK, but she has gap teef and is annoying, like this movie

Verdictgo: would be full on Repoopulous, but the background Caucasus Mountains scenery makes the foreground garbage a little less totally horrible, so… Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Planet orbits boredom in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Master
No Brains, No Service
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 137 min

I don’t get it, but it sure looked nice!  Especially those sandcastle boobs!

It didn’t have a point, but Philip Seymour Hoffman did have a mustache that made him look like Mike Holmgren, and he did yell a lot, cause that’s telltale sign that he’s acting all hard and things!!

No really, I have zero minus one idea what the movie was about, but Joaquin Phoenix did tell like 2 fart jokes and kinda acted like he was in a post-WWII version of I’m Still Here (which is a betterer, more thoughtfullerrer movie than The Master is ever be or wants to be.  IS TRUE!)

No seriously, what’s the story with that story?  A helpless drunk gets help from a guy who’s full of himself and has a mustache and screams and his son is Jesse Plemons who sorta looks like him, without a mustache, and without the screaming, and in the end, no matter how much yelling goes-es on, it doesn’t help the helpless guy????  And no milkshakes are drankens??

But man, the movie LOOKED amazing!  Yeah, but ‘look’ and ‘being’ are two different stuffs.  Nice try PT Borenum!!  But you didn’t fool us with your foolish tim-foolery!

Yeah, but there were at least three AMAZINGS scenes.  One involved questions and not closing eyes and then closing eyes with more questions.  Another involved the awesomes Christopher Evan Welch questioning methods which is followed by yellings.  The other other was when all of the sudden there were lots of naked womens in a room, and we saw old droopy boobies that were hactually kinda sexy. IS TRUTHS!

Jessica Lange Gang: so we all know that Alison Lohman looks like a young Jessica Lange, but who knew that there was a gal who looks like Alison Lohman…

Brigitte Hagerman!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Master bates in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Premium Rush
Padded Lock
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 91 min

Joseph Gordon-Levitt-Gordon-Joseph rides bikes, and delivers packages.  One package has to be delivered or some Chinese kid in China will not be able to go on a boat.  Standing in JGLGJ’s way is Michael Shannon‘s strange face and strange talking, and some other crap, like stuff, and things, like this movie.  WHY DIDN’T HE TAKE HIS BIKE AND RUN OVER DANIA RAMIREZ’ ACTING CAREER?!?!?!?!?!?  Dunno, but at least the movie was New York real enuff to spotlight the zany ass street that is Doyers Street in Chinatown!!!

Oh, and this girl‘s eyes wins the prize for best EYES in a Joseph Gordon-Levitt-Gordon-Joseph movie of 2012

The Possession
The Exor-shvitz
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 92 min

So there’s a real life story about an evil Jewish box with a Dybbuk in it that does weird shith to anyone who’s around it.  Watch this thing here for more on that box!!!  An evil Jewish box that does stuff sounds like it would make for a great movie, no?  Especially if you toss in Javier Bardem’s twin brother AND Matisyahu AND Kevin Bacon’s wife to balance out the kosherness AND two girls who are pretty dang good at actings, right????????  Well, it makes for an OK movie (they don’t even follow the real story at all).  It’s not stoopid horror-ibile crap on a stick, but it’s not The Exorcist neither, but we love Javier Bardem’s twin brother SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that we’d watch anything with him in it, even if most of his movies are whatevzzzz, BUT WHEN IS BARDEM MORGAN JAVIER GEOFFFERY GOING TO BE ONE?!?!??!?!?

Verdictgo: both be Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

both flicks are currently playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Bourne Legacy
Oh Baby, Then It Fell Apart
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 135 min

Look, it’s another Bourne movie!!!!   Cept it has nothing to do with Jason Bourne cept showing his passport photo and having David Sthraharian and Joan Allen pop up for like 8 seconds.  So what is the Legacy of Bourne?  Dunno, something about grumpy-a$$hole-faced Jeremy Renner in the woods, fighting wolves, and snow, and taking green and blue pills.  But what happens when he starts to run out of pills??????  Drone planes will explode and wolves will be wrestled!!!   And then he has to drag frazzled doctor Rachel Weisz [kinda sick of her, ever since she dumped Aronofsky for Bond] into this [literal] mess, and then they have to go to Manila for some reason that has nothing to do with manila envelopes.  And whenever that whatever is done, they have to go to Thighland, so they can run on rooftops and then be in a motorcycle chase, cause the rest of the movie was so blah-zay that they have to sorta remind us viewers what we liked about the real Bourne movies, which is action, and not pills or snow or scared Rachel Weisz.  Oh, and Edward Norton is in it, playing a sorta David Strahaharriaian role, which means someone who points at monitors and screams at people to do things.  AWESOME!!!!  Not really

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Bourne lags-acies currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…