Total Recall
Pissing On Paul Verhoeven’s Non-Existent Grave
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 118 min

Not awful, but pure blasphemy.  3 tits, ‘2 weeks’, & 1 giant waste of everything.  Jessica Biel’s annoying face needs to be recalled, same with Bryan Cranston’s wig, same with that scowl Kate Bake-sale oversells every 8 seconds.  Colin Farrell was actually pretty good & the production design was kinda OK, but who cares when there’s a Total Recall that already exists and is THE FCUKING SH!T!!!!!!!!  Consider this a divorce from mine eyes and any remakes going forward (superhero start-overs don’t count)

Recall Recall: I-Mockery’s Ten Best Things About [the original] Total Recall, with rawesome gifs

Verdictgo: if it was called something else, like Dark Bushy Eyebrows In Space, it wouldn’t be as lame as it is, so Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Total Recall is a total waste of your time at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Dark Knight Rises
Catty, Batty & The Bane of Its Own Existence
Official Website | Trailers & MoComments 1
PG-13 | 164 min

One thing is for certain, Christopher Nolan did a wonderful job making a different kind of a super hero movie, and now that it’s all come to a conclusion, we can finally say – thank gawd it’s over, lets move on with our lives, and bring on the reboot!!!  If only Kubrick were alive.  COULD YOU IMAGINE A KUBRICK BATMAN?!?!?!?  we’d settle for a Fincher one

Honesty time – we liked Nolan’s Batman films, but we didn’t outright love them.  Sure, the one with Heath Ledger was batsh!t awesome, but remember how it was like 9292828 hours too long?  You LOVED these movies, and that’s fine, but his Batmans didn’t look like the way we like our Batman to look.  In our book, the 60s Batman TV show is the gold standard of how Batman should look.  Tim Burton’s wasn’t perfect, but it looked perfect.  The 90s Animated Series put the dark in DARK Knight, cementing the way the Knight should be darkened, 9ever.  How could it not, it was drawn on BLACK PAPER!!!  Combine those three batty-bestnesses and one could create the ultimate Batman movie.  Don’t, but include a brain, and you get something like Nolan’s Batmans

OK, enuff of that, and z-nuff about the final installment of Nolan’s Batman trilogy – The Dark Knight Rises.  It’s first hour is fantastic.  Its got Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) pissing in mason jars (off screen), and then he meets Catwoman (Anne Hathaway, proving us all wrong), who’s über sexy, and hot, and beautiful, and leathery, and so he decides to stop using his penis for urinating, and start using it for having boners.  Boners are awesome, but then some guy named Bane (Tom Hardy) banes capital and not Conrad Bain, and it’s kinda boring, cause there’s nothing to the character of Bane.  If you disagree, we dare you to name one memorable thing about Bane, besides having a face thing and his talking is stupid and he lives in a sewer and he’s hard and strong like the boners we got looking at Anne Hathaway in a catsuit.  Bane is lame.  Why?  This is why

yep, he’s like ROTJ Anakin Skywalker, cept we have zero sympathy or interest in him, cause he sucks, and you can’t see his nose, and the nose knows

So Bane does a bunch of sh!t that would seem amazing, like blowing up lots of Gotham and creating Marshall law, but it’s about as exhilarating as a full season of Sammo Hung’s Martial Law.  And this crap goes on for ages, and Marion Cotillard is like French and sexy (what a stretch for her), and Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays good cop, while Matthew Modine plays lame cop, and chameleon Gary Oldman doesn’t chameleonize himself in a role that doesn’t require the talents of such a talented actor, and Morgan Freeman doesn’t marry his granddaughter, and Michael Caine is pennywise and pound foolish, and so on and whatever

The final battle is more whatevs than whatevs.gov.net.tumblr.webs, but then at the very very very very very very end, all is well, and it’s back to awesome, but it is not enuff to make up for being stuck in some Timbuktu well-hole that looks like outtakes of the Golden Child and The Name of The Rose, cause it’s boring and sucks, and doesn’t involve Catwoman taking a shower

OK, enuff of that crap, and on to our #2 complaint of Nolan’s Batmans – why do all Bat-related-mobiles look like vehicles created by blindfolded two-year old children???  WHY???????  THEY LOOK REFARTED!!!!  Did you know that Battanks were made out of origami????  WHY?!??!

Burn Notice: we made love to Burn Gorman‘s name back in 2006, and you should today, and always

BURN GORMAN BURN!!!

Verdictgo: this is Nolan.  we expect the best, not Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Dark Knight sorta rises at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed, and hopefully not Catwoman

God Bless America
Falling Down Uncomforter
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 100 min

Hating modern America is easy.  Putting that hate into scripted words that are read aloud in a movie, not so much.  It worked to dramatic perfection when Michael Douglas stood up while Falling Down, but what if it’s played for laughs, from the mind and hands of Bobcat Goldthwait?  Not a question many are asking, but the answer lies in his 5thish directorial feature, God Bless America

The good news?  America reunites Bobcat with his buddy (and brother of Bill) Joel Murray.  The two shared screen/scream memories in One Crazy Summer, Scrooged, Shakes The Clown (Bob’s first job behind the camera) and some TV movie called Encino Woman, which sounds like something we need to see NOW (not really)!!!  Other good news?  Joel Murray is employed and it’s Bobcat Goldthwait making it happen!  Wait, that’s the same news!  Yeah, but it’s still news!

The bad news?  No matter how cutting or on point Bobcat’s commentary on general American nasty me-ness is (by way of hating on reality TV, news talking heads, and pretty much anything you could think of, including Diablo Cody.  wait, did we write this script??!??!?!), it doesn’t cut very deep on screen, and it doesn’t help that the production values are valued at $5

But wait, there is good news, and it’s not related to Joel Murray being employed.  Joel Murray’s partner in crime-spree (think we forget to mention that Joel gets angry about stuff, and thinks his time on earth is limited, so he decides to go and kill people who he thinks don’t deserve to live, like every asshole on TV) is a teenage girl, and the girl who plays this girl is the most refreshing girl we’ve seen in a movie in a long time that isn’t a Fanning, and her name is Tara Lynne Barr.  She reeks of Anna Faris, but is young enuff to not have crazy strange lips like Anna Faris, which kinda makes her the new Anna Faris until Anna Faris gets her old lips back.  No, but seriously, Lynne Barr is gonna be a star.  We sure hope so.  She has the chops and she shows them in spades and clubs and diamonds and hearts in America, even if this movie doesn’t exactly get our full Blessing.  Sure, it certainly has its moments, but it doesn’t quite add up to anything momentumental.  Still, Lynne Barr is barr-none barrwesome!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

God Bless you (sorta) in limited release tomorrow, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Dench & Denturesability
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 124 min

Do you love old British people AND India?  Well boy old boy, do we gotzz the movie for you!!!  It’s about old British people IN India!!!!!  The only thing more awesome than that is old Indian people IN Indiana!!!  Not really, and not really either for the movie about old British people IN India.  The old British people IN India movie is called The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, and the only thing exotic in John Madden‘s screen take on some book not of the same name is… nothing

The old British people is be Judi Dench (being all Denchy), Bill Nighy (being mildly Nighyyy), Maggie Smith (she looks like walking death, even though she’s wheelchair bound in the flick), Tom Wilkinson (is he old?), Penelope Wilton (wait, that wasn’t Lynn Redgrave?  wait, Lynn Redgrave is dead????), Celia Imrie (she kinda skeeves us out) and some dude named Ronald Pickup (who seems kinda awesome!!!).  These old British people are wooed to the hotel in the title that’s run by Dev Patel, because he needs to co-star in some movie, right?  And guess what, the hotel is not as advertised!!  OH MY!, but wait…

AND GUESS WHAT, THESE GREAT BRITAINERSERS AINT IN GREAT BRITAIN NO MOOOO!!!!  THEY IN INDIA, SO IMAGINE THE FISH OUT OF WATERNESSNESS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHEN OLD BRITISH PEOPLE ARE IN INDIA!!!???  Don’t imagine too hard, cause the movie doesn’t imagine too hard neither.  It’s juss a 2 houred slow ride of old British people IN India, being British, IN India.  That about slums it up.   Zzzzzz???  Kinda, but in a sorta watchable way.  maybe?  DENCHY!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Marigold is kind of a medal below bronze, in limited release tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Bernie
Saint Misbehavin
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 104 min

The true dark story of rich old lady killer Bernhardt ‘Bernie’ Tiede is charmed up with a giant wide Texas smile by Richard Linklater by way of Jack Black with a mustache and a jacked-up waistline.  Played sorta for laughs, but not really all that funny, this black comedy is more like a gray ho-hum that eeks along solely on Jack Black’s ability to keep up a sweet face from beginning to end.  Shirley MacLaine is the old lady, and outside of a scene of her chewing, she doesn’t do much scenery chewing.  Matthew McConaughey, in 80s bidness man glasses, is all bidness, and the only man in the tiny town who seems to think that Bernie’s capable of evil.  Everyone else rants and raves about Bernie and his good deeds (deeded with her money) in a faux-documentary style that makes you wish they had juss made an actual documentary instead of making a movie that barely berns

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Bernie flickers in limited release

still, this poster is tres bestest

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…