Thighs Wide Shut

– Giraffes are like the most innest animal these days. Hopefully no one will make the ultimate super-giraffe movie before I do! I mean, Willow quit her dayjob juss so she could work on our super-giraffe project on a full time basis. Raffi will score the film and change his name to G-Raffi. We’re also looking to bring on Jim Gaffigan in some capacity, but he’s not too fond of changing his name to Jim Giraffigan. I’ll let you all know how the first draft/giraffe comes out.

– Kevy Federline’s debut album to be produced by Michael Bolton? And unfortch, we aint talkin bout this Michael Bolton.

– George Michael to retire? Damn, I was hoping it was this George Michael. Related Thigh Master Lore: I interned at the Sports Machine for one whole day before quitting. I mean, there was no way that I was going to be forced to watch baseball games all summer long. Cumstain to think of it, I think Navi helped me get that ship of intern. Sorry for wasting yer time ole buddy.

– Big ups to Brian Mitchell, for pulling an Art Monk.

– CBGB Goodbye-e?

– Look, I’m filled with udder glee that los Twerps swept Duke this year, but I wouldn’t even let Hitler eating a watermelon wear this sorry eggsuse for a tee.

– Tore My Anus Tori Amos hits the road.

– Pardon the Eruption, the closest thing to a PTI blog as we’re gonna get.

– The Many Moods of Mischa Barton [via GirlHattie]

– Buddy Rich vs The Muppets‘ Animal. [via Double Vskiers]

– Green Day-Oasis-Travis-Eminem mashup puree. [via Pak-Daddy]

– AFRIColA: the commercials! [via BJNewms]

– Play Rod Strickland’s Match Game.

– Thighs Wide Shut?

– OK, so maybe Nancy O’Brills is too much of a geezer to sit on my thrown and perform the daily rusty trombones that I require, but what about this up and (makesme)cummer that the DV boys spankfully brought to my attention… Lucy ‘In The Thighs w/Diamonds’ Pinder? Could someone kindly tell me what her face looks like cause I’m a lil too busy peeping at her Slippery von Yummyyams.

– FIELD DAY 2005 is the new FAILED DAY 2003!!! AKA, that shiz aint happening this summer, but maybe next. So what have we learned? Andrew ‘Durstkin’ Dreskin is filled with more lies than Donald Rumsfeld’s dingleberries. Shame on you Andy!! I mean, how much longer should we stay tuned?

– Anyone want to make a gentleman’s wager that Die Hard 4 won’t hold a grenade launcher to Ben Stiller’s Die Hard 12: Die Hungry [vid]?

– Dakota Fanning to vomit pea soup? They could make a film of her napping and I’d still see it opening weekend!

– BRIT bits.

– The Hives clean up at the Swedish Grammys. I also hear that the Swedish Meatball won the Best Ball of Meat Award earlier this week.

– More Superman casting?

– Hilary Muff to park the car at Harvard yard.

– What do ‘a double-sided dildo made out of smoked Gouda’, ‘a dentureless Jessica Tandy’, and the beloved children’s book Sweet Pickles all have in common? They’re just some of the many topics covered in our President’s weekly web address.

– Speaking of Sweet Pickles, this is the greatest title of all time:

– Whats gots more buzz than an Arcade Fire pajama party? The long-awaited DVD release of what has been called one of the greatestist space western musicals of our time: The American Astronaut. [via Brad Foreskin]

– Congforkulations to The Gay Master for becoming this week’s guest blizogger over at F.U.B.A.R..

– Melissa Gilbert lets her nip sag at SAG awards. Who’s next, Sara Gilbert? Or how about Mr Grape and whatever’s eating him? [via Socialismlite]

– Japanese Happy Meal Toys



– If you have a kid (then please stop reading this site) and want him to be the coolest kid in the world, bid on this pair of Freezy Freakies or take em to BK for some hot Activision action (not to be confused with Elevator Action). [Bitties in the BK hottieness via Tony’s CPU]

– Semi-NSFW Animated Gif of a Transformer Molesting A Boy [via Newbsy]

– After peeping the quaint movie Rory O’Shea Was Here, I muss declare that Romola Garai is my newestest, mos flavoritest NonUsHottie of the moment. I want her to touch my lucky charms and rub it all nice til it becomes an Irish Spring. I heart her so much that I may actually watch Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights.

– Lara Flynn Boyle was so desperate to join the Mile High Club on a flight from London to LA recently that she flashed her Twin Peaks at crew members and tried to jump into the bed of a stranger. And I ask you, what would have been more entertaining to watch unfold on a plane, LFB’s flashdance or Peter Buck’s yogurt throwing incident?

– Who knew that Sylvester Stallone was born deformed? I juss assumed he was run over by a car.

– Scramblin to find that purrrrfect Valentine’s Day gift? Scramble no further, cause nothing sez I Heart You more than a painting of Steve Perry from Journey done up as Robocop or NSFW Japanese Anime dolls that poop. [via Ad Mich & Warner Sistahs]

– According to some bizatch neurologist/psychiatrist Her Royal Thighness the II, Cuthy-Cuthbert, is “strong-minded, ambitious and aggressive” because she likes whipped cream on her Tazo Chai Tea Latte. What he doesn’t know is that she also loves smattering ounces of whipped cream all over her precious body for her King to lick off. What does that tell you about her Dr Jerkface?

– We all know Stereogum is a haven for good music info (and Lionel Richie clay head obsessions), but the comments section? It’s one thing for Grambo to quote from it in his ‘quote-a-matic’ section, but The Boston Herald? Bloggah plizeassssssse.

– It’s official, Andy Rooney’s starting to lose it.

– It’s official, I’m not heteroflexible, but very metroflexible. This past weekend I joined Mumsy & Sister Thigh Master at the gay/family confines of Rehoboth Beach, DE. Although I did opt out of the massage fest (due to my impending Eurotrip, sans Michelle Trachentehenbroke), I did indulge in a sophisticamactatted hour long pedicure. Any fellas, if you’ve never gotttten one, you owe it to yourself to gets one. I mean, do you want to clean your feet?

– The story of the week isn’t Iraqi people voting, but A Slovak man trapped in his car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it. [via Gulf of Sonkin]

– Well, if that man hadn’t peeeeed his way out of an avalanche, this spoon-shaped egg may have been the story of the week… hispecially since it’s Bitched @ Swirth with the giant cock & balls sculpture from A Cockwork Orange.

– Speaking of Bitched @ Swirthnessness, My Man Marvkus spotted a poster at les Twerps’ triumph over dem Yellow Jackets last night (DJ Strawbizzle who?) that displayed the ugly mugs of both Nappy Dyna & GT center Luke Schenscher. Enjoy!

– Me didn’t even think of it until today, but my flavorite author of the bowel moment and Sri Lankan resident, Arthur C Clarke, is alive and well.

– Everyone gave Gweniee & Chris Boring such a hard time for naming their baby Apple. Well, I guess ‘Nappies‘ didn’t help matters, but how come I haven’t heard one peep about Beck & Sister Ribisi naming their golden child Cosimo? Ah, who cares, at least Beck’s supposedly gonna rap on his new album.

– Add Doves to the Coachella line-up.

– Lincoln, Spielberg, Neeson. A nice.

– Bob Marley’s remains to be moved to Ethiopia. Don’t worry folks, he’ll still be surrounded by people who don’t wash their hair and smoke pot in the name of the Ja. Sounds like the life to me!

– Playboy Playmate On Trial For Assaulting Boyfriend’s Ex-Girlfriend At Nightclub. The best part of the whole story is it proves that Jeff Garcia is NOT gay. [via Fleaski]

– Is there nothing more rougher than a Jewish rapper named Cleetus Friedman who sports Washington Bullets gear from head to toe? Yeah, ANYTHING! [via Setlzer with an ‘H’]

– Speaking of the Chosen People, aren’t they/we the only peeps who should be drinking Manischewitz fine grape wines? [via Navi via IsThatLegal?]

– Fear the Turtle bracelets? First of all, no one fears playing the Terps anymore and secondly, no one fears a man/woman/child who wears a bracelet. Juss ask the bullied fat kids.

– Zack Morris, AC Slater, and Screech rapping [Qwiktime]. To some a whorrible nightmare, but to Kelly Kapowski’s lil sis, a wet dream come true. [via Double V via College Hummers]

– World’s wurstest animated gif featuring Clinton Portis can be found right here. [via Jay Bilzzzz$$]

– World’s wurstest album cover can be found right here.

– Say No To Grampa Joe

– Tr3nt, if you keep posting about J-L Spears, I’m afraid bad and dirty things might happen to myself as well as others. Please note that I didn’t say stop. And to help us get our minds outta the gutter, here’s a collage of Her Royal Thighness The II proving that you don’t have stop wearing white after labor day… hispecially if you hail from the supple lands of Nepal.