2017 in TV was Tele-LICIOUS.  somehow I still haven’t seen the new Twin Peaks, which is a miracle and a tragedy as the original is my favorite TV show of all time, but I’ll get to it in 2018, I promise – myself!  anywho, here’s all the other stuff from TV that made my heart beat stronger and my shlong beat shlonger…

1. Riverdale (CW)

I always need a show in my life that’s the modern equivalent of Beverly Hills 90210.  Riverdale is it (it even has Luke Perry) AND THEN SOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  There was even Zodiac love!!!

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2. Mindhunter (Netflix)

Dude, it’s like my dream come true – more of Fincher’s Zodiac!!!

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3. Feud: Bette and Joan (FX)

What Hollywood does to actresses is horrible.  Now AND THEN.  Susan was born to be Bette.  The EYES have it!

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4. Married At First Sight: Second Chances (Lifetime)

I don’t do Bachelor shows, but I love the Married At First Sight series, so when they whored out two former Sighters and let a bunch of whores try to whore all over them – the end result was one giant sloppy mess, and I couldn’t get enough of it!!

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5. American Horror Story: Cult (FX)

Evan Peters is scary as fck!!!  Zodiac!!!  But the real revelation here is Carrie Fisher’s daughter, ready to be her own person – hello Billie Lourd

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6. The Americans (FX)

Martha stuck in Russia is the saddest thing ever in a show of so many sad things ever!

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7. Veep (HBO)

It’s truly amazing how a comedy about the US Presidency could be out clown-showed in real life by our current US President, and even more truly amazing is how the TV show this season was able to re-out clown show the real clown show.  CLOWN SHOW!!!!

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8. The Hunt For the Zodiac Killer (History)

Spoiler alert – they didn’t catch him/her.  BUT LET THEM KEEP TRYING!!!

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9. Curb Your Enthusiasim (HBO)

Long time off, and not much has changed, and that’s fine by me.  Loved the Fatwa advice from Salman Rushdie, like having an excuse to not pick someone up from the airport

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10. Wormwood (Netflix)

Errol Morris at his best, and he’s always at his best, so this is BESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST!!!

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11. Fresh Off The Boat (ABC)

Still, the funniest network comedy going.  Love the shifting focus to the school kids.  Eddie’s friends are more interesting than Eddie!  Bonus props to redhead Trevor Larcom! Bonus bonus props to their Rent ripoff – Brent!

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12. Bates Motel (FX)

Norman Bates COMES full circle, and what better way to COME all over than with Rihanna as Marion Crane!

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+ bone-yessss!! moments

give all the awards in the world to Natasha Bassett who totally speared the lead (and my heart) in Lifetime’s Britney Every After

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the awkward adorableness of Stranger Things 2‘s Snowball Dance

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the theme music of the game show Now You See It

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realizing that I never saw Beverly Hills 90210 Season 4 and loving it beyond belief

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finally watched the final season of The Knick, and I already miss the fcuk out of this guy

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the real life filming locations of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

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Chelsea Cardwell‘s sexy and sad portrayal of Monica Lewinsky in an ep of Scandal Made Me Famous

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the return of Battle of The Network Stars

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the new Dynasty is mostly garbage, cept Alan Dale remains TV’s finest a$$hole

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BUZZR’s excellent doc about game shows, hosted by Alex Trebek! – Game Changers

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Amazon gets STACKED and streams the original UNSOLVED MYSTERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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the horrible awfulness amazingness awfulness of the made-for-TV version of Dirty Dancing

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Copycat Killers‘ talking head J. Buzz Von Ornsteiner – for his name, and how he talks, but mainly for his name

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I hope Kendra On Top never stops

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cheering for The Bold Type gals

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booing the girls of Girls. good riddance. YOU FCUKING SUCK!!!

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goodbye Merc Lapidus.  YOU WERE THE ABSO FCUKING BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AND WILL ALWAYS BE ONE OF MY MOSTEST FAVORITE TV CHARACTERS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

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wish we could MAKE A DEAL to keep these people with us on earth :(

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perv-iously ’16 ’15 ’14 ’13 ’12 ’11 ’10 ’09 ’07

boob tube groove tube tube tube loob… aka, here’s the best in TV, 2015

1. Restaurant Startup (CNBC)

It’s like Shark Tank, but less annoying, and more evil, and more awesome, and food!!!!!!!!!!!!  Show was so fcuking good that I refused to watch the last episode of the 2nd season until about 3 months later, cause I couldn’t deal with the fact that season was over and that there were no new episodes to watch.  My new biggest fear in life is being insulted and yelled at by Tim Love and Joe Bastianich

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2. The Jinx (HBO)

More like the BLINX, amirite???!!!  What’s truly amazing is that the director of this HBO docuseries actually made a fictionalized version of this story and it kinda wasn’t that interesting, and so he takes it and makes a longform doc out of it and it not only shocks and freaks out a (pay cable) nation, but actually does real life truth, justice – the American way!!! 

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3. The Knick (Cinemax)

Granite – I only saw season 1 (which was from 2014), but this is the single greatest thing Cinemax has ever given the world.  Yes, even more betterer than soft-core porn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I want to live in the Knick world, even though it looks like the wurstest world eversz

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4. Arranged (FYI)

Arranged marriages apparently still exist – and not just for Indian couples.  FYI strikes love gold again (after Married At First Sight – our pick for best show of 2014) – following three couples in newly arranged marriages.  Yes, one of the couples is Indian, but the other Southern, and the other other Gypsy pups under 20 years of age!  You won’t get a better slice of American life than this.  And oh boy, that Gypsy couple – Christian and Maria – AND his parents – Michael and Nina – are simply the BEST BEST BEST BEST.  I pray for a spinoff for the Gypsy clan.  PLEASSSSSSSSSSSE!

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5. Hanninbal (NBC)

It’s either AS amazing as Silence of the Lambs the movie was or perhaps even better.  I mean, you saw that scene where they saw that dude’s head, right??? And that series finale ending, WHAT A CLIFFHANGER!!!

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6. Gotham (Fox)

The world of Batman cannot be confined to the limits of cinema – and it has flourished in the longform of television with Gotham, which got even stronger in season 2.  The bad guys are even badder, and whoever’s casting these kids in these roles should be given the key to the city of Gotham, and have a street named after them, and stuff!!!  OMG, don’t even get me started on how super dope fly Silver St. Cloud is (and how way too young the actress who plays her is)

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7. Behind The Screams (Reelz)

I love movies.  I love serial killers (learning about them, not them themselves) and real-life scary sh!t.  I LOVE movies about serial killers and real life scary sh!t.  Reelz made a show that looks at the real-life stories that inspired big time scary movies – like Psycho, The Exorcist, It, and Silence of the Lambs, to name a few.  Sometimes the movies are tamer than the real life stuff!!!!!!!

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8. Halt and Catch Fire (AMC)

CTRL + ALT + DEL-ICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

+ anything starring Lee Pace is beyond watchable

Especially <3 Kerry Bishé!!!

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9. Kendra On Top (WE tv)

You’d think a reality show about an ex-Playboy bunny and ex-NFLer couple with martial strife wouldn’t be something deep and meaningful, but you’re thinking would completely wrong.  Kendra On Top is all about family, and the roses and warts that comes along with it.  I’ve been with Kendra since the Girls Next Door days, and what was once fun fluff, is now fun tough stuff

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10. The Americans (FX)

Those wigs + Keri Russell’s butt = RED SCARES AND APPOINTING SPEWING!!!!!!!!!

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11. The Last Man Earth (Fox)

What would you do if you were the last man on earth?  And what would Will Forte do if he was the last man on earth?  Luckily this show answers the second question, WITH ENDLESS HILARITY AND GUT-PUNCHING CRINCHING GRINNING!!!

(this ranking is for season 1 only, as 2 aint as novel and hilarious and imaginative as season 1 is/was)

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12. Real World: Skeletons (MTV)

https://www.instagram.com/p/yHevfnm34Y/

Somehow Real World won’t quit, and as humanity gets worse, so do the Real World roomies, which juss makes it all that much more entertaining.  PLUS, there was a great script flip here – skeletons from these people’s past come to live with the housemates, with often and VERY often horrible results!!! PLUS, the girl from New York’s accent, and how she says ‘garbage’ – ‘GAVAGE’

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other solid forms of entertainments: 

Mad Men - can’t believe they didn’t divide the final season and air it over 5 years (instead of 2).  was actually sad to see it go, even though it felt like it was getting meh towards the end, but it really wasn’t meh at all

Married At First Sight: The First Year – the more Doug and Jamie and Courtney and Jason in my life, the better

Married At First Sight 2 – didn’t work out for our new set of couples, but it worked out entertainmentwise

Veep - Jonah and Richard = endless gold

Finding Carter - teens make dumb choices, and I can’t stop watching, but I hope teens aren’t watching 

Drunk History - hopefully there will NEVER be a last call on these

Supergirl - screw all the other super heroes.  I mean, I want to screw Supergirl.  bonus pts for making her stepmom Helen Slater and her stepdad Dean Cain!!!

Tyrant - I want this guy to dictate me

Bates Motel – things get more uncomfortable and more out of control.  it’s only a matter of time before Norman does in his mother and becomes her

Fargo  - the accents are getting old, the action aint

A Very Barry Branson – long live Greg Brady and his enthusiasm and cheesiness.  never stop being you!

Homeland - Miranda Otto = hotttt-o

Modern Family - the kids are getting older, and more sexual.  it’s both unsettling, and HOTTT

House of Cards – this guy juss looks like such a jackass

The Affair - caught season 1.  so steamy I had to take 23949249 cold showers, and beat off in the cold showers

Louie - Civil War hero

Vice – I prefer the US stories, like the one about Alabama and their dumb racism backfiring 

Black-ish - growing less and less funny, but still worth a watch

Fresh Off The Boat - it’s more yellow than blackish, and better

Shameless - when will it end?  please let it end.  it’s too hard to bear anymore

Better Call Saul - only saw a few episodes, which I loved, and when I wanted to watch the rest – they were off of on-demand.  bastards!!!

Younger - an impossible premise, but I couldn’t care less, cause it’s so dang enjoyable

Game of Thrones - I don’t really care, but juss wanna be like everyone else, and know what everyone else is talking about

Mistresses - so bad it’s… bad!

Maron - losing its funny, but not me as a watcher

The Grinder – who doesn’t love seeing Fred Savage back on a television!!!???!?!

Under The Dome - thank gawd it’s over.  it jumped more sharks that Lost ever did, and actually makes Lost‘s endgame look less lost

Girls – still sucks, but thanks for Kylo Ren!

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+ bone-yes moments

that True Detective eyes wide sluts orgy

remember Captain Power and the Soldiers of the Future????????

The faces behind the Peanuts voices

the existence of MeTV, and how it gave me the will to live and love The Brady Bunch again

https://www.instagram.com/p/6gdZUkm35v/

the theme from The Jinx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4Qp1TEKswQ

Supergirl is supercute

Berle & Batman

I went on TV on opening day and basically Nostradamusly said the Nats would fail

Addams Family Hopefuls – Photos From The Auditions

saying so long to the lusty slutty naughty Flowers In The Attic Lifetime movies

The Monty Hall Smokin-Stokin’ Fire Brigade

that fat redheaded kid on True Detective

any Hallmark Christmas movie starring Alicia Witt

the surprisingly seriousness of A Deadly Adoption

https://vine.co/v/OFIpz3ApA7O

Tony Kornheiser on The Americans!!!!

Kev’s brother on Derek (another winning show from Ricky G)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clRmIhuafYg

Knitters With Attitude!!!!

Shaq and his Shaquila (Shaq Tequila) from Fresh Off The Boat

and

SNL40: In Memoriam

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my favorite TV performance of 2015…

anyone who pretended to be an actor on an 90s sitcom OR something by Aaron Spelling

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a fond farewell to those who boldly went where no man or woman or character has gone before.  you will be missed

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adiós Don Francisco‘s Sábado Gigante

Bob Schieffer faced the nation one final time

Jon Stewart says goodnight to The Daily Show

Willard Scott leaves Your Neck of The Woods

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Dave Letterman goes out with a letter A, man

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perv-iously ’14 ’13 ’12 ’11 ’10 ’09 ’07

U2
Madison Square Garden
July 19th

It was my 8th time seeing U2 (and 3rd time at MSG), and apparently the first time I had ever heard ‘October’ or ‘Gloria’ live!!!!!!!!!!  How do I know this, well you see, a week ago, I decided to create a profile on the incredible site – setlist.fm – to keep track of what concerts I’ve been to, and also to add shows I’ve been to that aint listed on the site (you should do the same and help make a better tomorrow!!!).  Well, they have a handy little statistics thing and you can see what songs a band has played at the shows you’ve attended.  Here are my U2 stats.  I haven’t heard a single song played at all 8 shows, but have heard ‘Beautiful Day’, ‘Mysterious Ways’  and ‘Vertigo’ at 7 of them!  Sadly, I’ve only heard my favorite, ‘Even Better Than The Real Thing’ at 3 of the shows.  What’s the point?  U2 are awesome, and have way TOO many songs to play, and sadly they don’t have time to play them all, so I have to keep going back, and improve my stats!

Btw – that new album that was thrown onto everyone’s tHighphones and caused mass hysteria and hate-aria – Songs of Innocence – is pretty fcuking awesome.  Of course it is – it’s a U2 album, and any U2 album sounds like U2, and thus instantly becomes a part of their prolific awesome back catalog.  ‘Vertigo’ is from an album that’s 11 years old, and yet it seems as vital and important as anything from their 80s or 90s output.  I already feel that ‘The Miracle (Of Joey Ramone)’ is a song that I want to hear them play at every show I see of theirs going forward.  That’s no miracle – it’s U2, and it’s me 3!

Btw 2 – nice frosted hair Bono.  You look like Philip as Clark on The Americans

Setlist

Set 1 - The Miracle (Of Joey Ramone) / Gloria / Vertigo / I Will Follow / Iris (Hold Me Close) / Cedarwood Road / Song for Someone / Sunday Bloody Sunday / Raised by Wolves / Until the End of the World / The Fly / Invisible / Even Better Than the Real Thing / Mysterious Ways / Volcano / Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out of / October / Every Breaking Wave / With or Without You / City of Blinding Lights / Bullet the Blue Sky / Pride (In the Name of Love) 

Encore – Beautiful Day / Bad / Where the Streets Have No Name / I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

dog bless The Ameri☭ns

for two things…

one, fo keeping it DC 80s real with the Jhoon Rhee ref

and two…

THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!

look, if FX is gonna show Keri Russell’s butt on TV, we can show it here too!!!

BUTTTTTTTSKI!!!!!!