Thighs Wide Shut

Me and Earl and The Dying Girl
Me Hurl and The Dying For This Movie To End
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 104 min

I don’t even know exactly how to sum up how much I didn’t like (and basically HATTTTTTTTTTTTTED) this movie, and I really don’t have to bother since David Edelstein somehow captured my thoughts exactly, but…

if you are looking for a crappier version of…

The Fault in Our Stars

but less romantic

that focuses on one of THE most annoying and non-interesting teenage protagonists I’ve encountered in a while (this is not actually him)

who is forced by his mom to hang out with that super adorable girl from Bates Motel, who has nothing to do in the movie cept have big eyes, and eventually shave her head cause she has cancer

and our annoying teen boy gets by in his dweeby high school life with his quirky black friend (think Urkel, but not really.  I juss wanted to post a gif of Urkel)

and together they re-make movies in a way that’s somehow dumber then the ultra-dumb Be Kind Rewind

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7C8nHAAs70

and the whole movie feels like the 193482382th Wes Anderson Rushmore rip-off you’ve ever seen

and the movie feels like one giant cancer guilt trip, that isn’t worth taking

and for some reason Nick Offerman is in it, and he’s basically as exciting as the grumpy looking cats he looks like

and if I don’t have anything nice to say, too bad, cause I already said it, but don’t see this movie cause it sucks, besides MAYBE the last last 5 minutes, but getting to that last five minutes is pointless torture, but I will say something nice – the Pittsburgh-regional locations for the movie were AWESOME!  Especially the high school they used!

Verdictgo: f this movie, so Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Him, Earl and Toe Jam zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzes you in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Fault In Our Stars
Topic of Cancer
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 125 min

Oh, how cute – two cancer kids making nice with each other, cause no one else wants to bother with them, besides their doctors, cautious parents, or friends… who also have/had cancer.  But there’s no fault in that in The Fault In Our Stars – the movie version made of the beloved novel by John Green, cause if you like two kids making nice, who are nice, regardless of their health – then you will like this movie

OK, so maybe one of them kids – Mr Perfect Ansel Elgort – is a little too perfect.  He’s TOOO charming.  He’s too sure of himself.  He’s TOOO positive.  And maybe even a bit too dreamy.  And what about the object of his affection Shailene Woodley?  Oh, man, is she such a lil good actress.  AND SHE EVEN MAKES HER OWN TOOTHPASTE – IN REAL LIFE!!!  But in Fault, she’s not making toothpaste – she making smiles, and tears and making heart strings tug – for herself and fo you

But even for a movie about kids with hardships – everything seems to come to them WAY too easy.  Oh, you want to go to Amsterdam to meet your favorite author ever, who’s now an angry drunk recluse (Willem Dafoe, with cool glasses)?  NO PROBLEM!  ALL YOUR DREAMS WILL COME TRUE!  How about falling in love in the least passionate place ever – Anne Frank’s House!  Sure, why not!  Love don’t holo-cost a thang!!!  Oh, you have trouble walking up steps cause your lungs have cancer?  No worries, we’ll put your bedroom in an attic so you have to climb stairs all the time!

But, but, but, but I don’t care.  I like cancerous him and I like cancerous her, and I like them together.  You will too  

And you will like their friend Nat Wolff – who was also in Palo Alto – which is fitting cause in that movie he was BFF with Val Kilmer’s son Jack, who looks like Ansel Elgort (sorta)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Fault doubles up in theaters TODAY!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…