Thighs Wide Shut

The Moth Diaries
Tame Sex Education
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 82 min

You’d think movies that revolve around all-girls schools should be the greatest thing ever, but the results have sadly always proven otherwise.  Off the top of our cloudy heads, we can only think of three recentish entries (Cracks, St Trinian’s and Lost & Delirious) and they all failed to live up to any possible awesomeness caused by putting nothing but girls in one place to learn… HOW TO BE HOT AND KISS OTHER GIRLS!!!!!!!  Crap, how do we save this genre!??!?!

Enter Mary Harron, of I Shot Andy Warhol, American Psycho and The Notorious Bettie Page technical awesomeness, but not exactly the mos awesomiestest of movies (if you think the American Psycho movie is awesome, you’ve obviously never read the book.  Yep, we did.  it’s one of 2 we’ve ever read besides Dianetics).  Surely Harron could take Rachel Klein‘s Moth Diaries novel and make something novel out of it, no???  She tried, but ultimately no

Moth Diaries is about girls at an all-girls school, who girl it up, and then things get crazy, sorta, not really.  There’s good girl Sarah Bolger (probably one of our moist flavorite young actresses going) and her bestie Sarah Gadon, and their other gal pals, starting a new year of wearing hot schoolgirl uniforms and messing about, BUT, this new school year’s a lot different since Scott Speedman Lily Cole arrived on campus.  Soon, friendships will be tested, girls will leave school and some people will die!!  Why?  Well, you see, Lily Cole’s not like the other girls.  She’s cold and creepy and mysterious, and scary as f%&k.  No, really, she is.  It’s humanly possible that we’ve never been more scared by an actress playing a character than we have by Cole playing Ernessa.  First off, Cole is very awkward looking in general.  She’s ungodly tall, has nightmarish eyes, and may be from the planet Uranus.  Second off, in this movie, they dyed her hair and eyebrows + darkened her eye color, so on top of what she looks like normally, which is abnormal, she’s like 999348283 times morerer abbynormal looking.  Third off, her character may or may not be a vampire, dead, a lesbian, a moth and/or a diary.  That’s a lot for her to take on, and a lot for our eyes to take in

moral of the story – haven’t really explained why this movie is juss OK and not so great, but it’s juss OK, and isn’t all that great.  It feels like a Canadian made movie, which is not so shocking cause it is a Canadian made movie.  If you don’t know what the means, it means that the movie is kinda Americanish, but there’s something not so right about it, like it was made in Canada or something.  There’s something not right about The Moth Diaries, and it’s not juss cause Lily Cole makes us not want to have eyes.  Not, not, not

Poster Haste: Moth Diaries breaks Harron’s streak of having some of the bestestest movie posters goings.  here are the previous ones

and of course, one of the GREATESTESTESTEST posters EVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVER!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Moth flutters and stutters in select cinemas this Friday, and is available on demand NOW!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…