Thighs Wide Shut

Once In A Lifetime
Soccer To Me!
Trailer
US Release Date – July 7th, thru Miramax/ESPN

Much like the Jonestown doc, ever since I was a kid and ogled for hours at the Washington Dips pennant hangin in my bro’s room, I’ve been waitin for someone to examine the rise and fall of the North American Soccer League (NASL). If my luck keeps up, I’m sure someone will soon release a doc on the fall and fall of Nickelodeon’s Hey Dude. Although the focus in Once is all about a handful of rich media types luring Pelé and other world futbol luminaries to bring their shaz and pizzaz to the dismal and unknown NY Cosmos squad, it’s really about the rebirth, or truly the birth of soccer in America. Before P-daddy and co exploded on our scene, soccer was about as low on the American sports’ totem pole as say, archery and things involving shuttlecocks. But even though the league ultimately collapsed for numerous reasons, hexplored in the film, the sport was able to dig its feet in our ground and has continued to reach for the stars. How many of you reading this weren’t involved in youth soccer? You can praise/blame Pelé for that! I don’t cause it’s MSI all the way baby!! This doc totally KICKS a$$ and will SCORE with any audience, even if they isn’t a fan of soccer, futbol, or the human race. And would you eggspect anything less from the director of the seminal ’90s Britpop doc Live Forever and the producer of my balls time flavorite doc One Day In September (big sirprize there, eh?). What if I told you the Flamingo Kid was narrating it? Or if I told you that it captures the manic ’77 NYC summer more effectively than Spike Lee’s poo on a sitck Summer of Sam? Man, ’77 was quite a year, wanznit? Star Wars, the death of Elvis, and the birth of yers drooly. I think we should restart the calendar from that point, so we’d currently be living in 28 ATMIC (After Thigh Master’s Immaculate Contraception)

Recommended for those who like: ABC’s Wide World of Sports [vid], Randall’s Island, and that les bestest Warner Bros logo from the 70s

Possible Porno Name: Once In Your Wife’s Bum

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix one of my other all thyme flav docs, and one that 90% effin fresh, yo, The Kid Stays In The Picture [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Once In A Lifetime’ by The Talking Heads [d] or ‘Ole Ole Ole’ [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Including this, there are 8 movies with the title Once In A Lifetime AND the Atlantic Records producer that Booger portrayed in Ray also served as the VP and Prez of the Cosmos!

How’d That Work Out For Ya?: the rebirth of the Cosmos as an MLS club

TFF Thighspotting: Judah Friedlander (aka Toby), who boviously the world’s #1 Cosmos fan

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): mos DEF BREAST IN SHOW!!!

spank the lord
Tribeca reviews
are Nora Dunnski
now back to yer regularly
scheduled masturbation

Sketches of Frank Gehry
Artist of The Portrait As An Old Man
Trailer
US Release Date – currently playing in NYC, LA this Friday, and st elsewhere this month

Frank Gehry. You’ve mos likely heard the name, or have seen at least one of his masterpieces, or monstrosities, depending on who you ask, but who the fork really is Frank G, and what the hell does he look like? Architects have about as much public exposure as an NFL offensive lineman: they get the job done, but yet they remain facless to the masses and the Massholes. So, what does FG hactually look like? Your average grey-haired Jewish zeide. And if yer a gentile, that means grandfather you forgin Nazi sympaTHIGHzer. Yep, Frankie Poo’s a tribe member, even went all né on his Goldberg name to make it in del biz. No shame in that, I mean would you really rock out that hard to Rush if Geddy Lee had kept his last name as Weinrib (btw, interesting fact, his parents were Holocaust survivors)? Didn’t spinx so you friggles Nazi masturbators!! Anywho, Sketches doesn’t take us deep into the deepest annals of his anal canal or what is it that really makes FG the king of playground, as I thought it might, and that’s kinda a shame. It’s more of a conversational piece, intertwined with a tour of his babies all across the globe. I think it woulda played out differently, and perhaps a lil more in depth, had it not been directed by his good friend Sydney Pollack, who’s making his debut here as a documentarian. I mean, do I really need to see footage of SP sitting in his office as FG pieces together his next project with silver-coated construction paper like he was a kindergartener? Short answer: no. Regardless, Gehry’s works are fascinating and it’s worth the peepage, but methinks Gehry is not so fascinating. Sometimes when an artist’s true identity remains a mystery, it make the art that much better. Le Corbusier anyone? Yeah, click that you Nazi link molester, cause you have no idea what the spiggs I is talkin bout, and sometimes, neither do I.

Recommended for those who like: things that are erected, Julian Schnabel dressed as the Dude, and the opinions of Mike Ovitz

Possible Porno Name: Sketchy Frank Gehry & His Trenchcoat of Hairy Sirprizes

Unsatisfied with this? Be like me and add ‘visit the Gugg in Bilbao‘ to yer list of places to go b4 ya die

Apt MPupil3: ‘Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect’ by The Decemberists [d] AND the ‘Bob The Builder Theme’ [d]

IMDb Sweeney: the only other non-Disney flick that Michael Eisner appeared in was sum-tang called Junket Whore

TFF Thighspotting: Mr Three Days of the Condor himself, Syd Pollack, who I already had the pleasure of personally meeting earlier this year (you could say we’re BFFs)

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): not all docs are created breast in showedly, so Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Driving Lessons
Grint And Bear It
Clip | Interview
US Release Date – TBA

Do you wet dream every night of a Ron Weasley and his mum Harold & Maude [trailer] lite-esque Britcom romp? If you do, give me yer contact info so I can pass it along to proper authorities, you sick fork! But thens again, you’d probably be the only personages who’ll truly enjoy this purely PG family flick that contains a few curse words, and Ron’s cherry being popped, off-screen, natch. Although mos British movies of this sort are watchable on their charm alone, this one has too few laffs to cut anyone’s mustard… DAMN YOU O HENRY and YOUR MUSTARD!! Kinda sad that this didn’t rock the hizzouse, cause all the actors involved are fab, including Laura Linney, as Ron’s overly-pious mum, and lil known, but often seen Nicholas Farrell, as his priestly pa. I hope the filmmakers learn a lesson, cause no one wants to see sum-tang stuck in neutral.

Recommended for those who like: Edinburgh Castle, the CoE, and old men in women’s clothing

Possible Porno Name: Muff Diving Lessons

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix License To Drive [that and many a Corey Haim trailers can be found here]

Apt MPupil3: ‘She Drives Me Crazy’ by Fine Young Cannibals [d]

IMDb Sweeney: This isn’t Ron/Rupe’s 1st non-Potter flick. That (dis)honor belongs to 02’s fart-asstic Thunderpants [you HATH 2 watch this trailer], co-starring Stephen Fry, Ned Beatty, and Paul GMatz

TFF Thighspotting: I didn’t go to the pre-shmear screenin, but this girl did, and humped Ron’s leg, or something

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit, But No Stinkin Badges

The Road to Guantanamo
Part Dramentary, Part Documama,
All Around Important Movie Rama Rama
Trailer
US Release Date – a limited one startin June 23rd
althoughs you can rent/own it NOW thru a UK site

Documamas rule! So does yer mother, but that’s another lay for another day. While somehow not totally as enthralling and leg breaking as the finest documama of this decade, Touching The Void, The Road to Guantanamo will still will pique yer interest, hispecially if yer a liberal media loving bastage like myself who aint no big fan of our country’s current terrorism policies and practices. Eye-openingly co-directed by my effin man Michael Winterbottom and not yet my effin man Mat Whitecross, Road recreates the real journey of three British Muslim friends who ended up in the mos def wrong place (Afghanistan) at the mos def wrong time (the beginning of the US’ war on the Taliban). After being picked up by a headhuntin hungry group of US soldiers, and not having any good reason for being where they were, they’re shipped off to Guantanamo Bay in Cuba for more mental and physical abuse than an evening at Joan Crawford’s. Btw, Guantanamo makes no sense at all to me. How is it possible that we have a military base on Cuba, a country we don’t even have any diplomatic ties to, besides probably any backlashin that may have occurred from Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. Look, I’m sick of seeing shaz about the war and terrorism and terrorists (unless it’s Cobra, duhvs course), and stoopid pointless movies like Jarhead, but if you should see this, and hate our gov’mint some (guantana) mo!

Recommended for those who like: borders without doctors, Afghanimation, and the improbable possibility of Ruhel Ahmed marrying Mercedes Ruehl and taking her last name to become Ruhel Ruehl

Possible Porno Name: The Road Into Laura San Giacomo‘s Crotch

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Midnight Express [trailer] or for mo thighs wide opening
Winterbottomness, ‘flix his franztastic In This World [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Somebody’s Watching Me’ by Rockwell [d]

IMDb Sweeney: the Guantanamo scenes were filmed in our current Axis-of-Evil flavor of the month, Iran

Pumping Even Mo Irony: after returning from the Berlin Film Festival, two of the movie’s principle actors and the two actual people they portray were detained at a British airport

TFF Thighspotting: the lesser-known co-director Mat Whitecross, who hopefully was lucky enuff to do all the additional camera operation for the fucking scenes in MW’s 9 Songs [NSFW]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Follow My Voice: With the Music of Hedwig
Homophobes AND Homophones Need Not Apply
Trailer
US Release Date – will air on the Sundance Channel
July 27 at 9 p.m

If you’ve ever seen Hedwig, as a stage musical or in its cinematic form, you know the music kicks more (gl)ass than Remo Williams [vid]. And if yer a Wig-head, you probably already own the redonkelous tribute cover album, Wig In A Box, featuring the likes of Frank Black, Rufus Wainwright, Spoon, Robyn Hitchcock, Jonathan Richman, The Polyphonic Spree, Imperial Teen, Yoko Ono & Yo La Tengo, The Breeders, Bob Mould, Sleater-Kinney & Fred Schneider, They Might Be Giants, Cyndi Lauper & The Minus 5, the Bens (Ben Kweller, Ben Folds, & Ben Lee), and yes, even Stephen Colbert. And if you don’t know what I’s is talkin bout, u have a lotta effin catching up to do. Anywho, if you qualify as a Hed-head, yer gonna love this doc about the making of said tribute album that in turn dumps its proceeds on America’s very first LGBTQ school, The Hetrick-Martin Institute, aka the home of The Harvey Milk High School. But the making of is juss 1/2 the picture. The other 1/2 explores the inner workings of the school itself, as seen tru the eyes of a handful of students, with varied backgrounds and orientations. The only crying shames are that not many will see this fab doc, and not many will buy the CD. Only 75K has been raised so far. What up wit dat shit? I mean it’s all about the Benjamins, and the Bens! Wonder if Winona Ryder ever offered em a foursome?

Recommended for those who like: Hedwig & The Angry Inch, the music of Hedwig, and gay AND straight people who love Hedwig

Possible Porno Name: Swallow My Moist: Making Sweet Music While You Give Me Head Like Butch Vig

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the breastest/wurstet making of an album doc, Let It Be, which in this case, sadly co-stars Yoko Ono, and was directed by Michael Lindsay-Hogg, who should never be confused with Wernham-Hogg

Apt MPupil3: ‘Pirate In A Box’ by Lemon Demon [d] and ‘Just Pretend’ by The Bens [d] or juss buy the dang CD and help make some gay kids even gayer than Gay-le Sayers

IMDb Sweeney: how could there be any Sweeney when there aint shee-at on the b of IMD?

TFF Thighspotting: three of the students featured in the feature, including model Mey Bun, who should not be confused with Messy Bun

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): It’s a doc, so how could it not be Breast In Show?

and here’s the .5
and I say .5
cause it’s not a new flick
but some old shiz

The River
Runs Through (sh)It

I’m all for viddying old classics on the big screen, but this 1951 Jean Renoir trifle is the kinda flaz u see on TCM and turn the channel after about 8 seconds. It’s such a snoozer that I actually took a well deserved 20 minute nap. I mean, c’mon, you try watching 10 movies in less than a week’s time and ruling the world’s thighs with an iron fisting!! The only thing worth uddering is that the lead girl, who’s suppose to be ugly, is really ugly (sorry, dats the only snap I could find). Both of my rents agreed. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Maybe they’ll remake this with Orlando Boo and Kate Snoozeworth and zzzzzzzz…

Recommended for those who like: x, y, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Possible Porno Name: not even mrs butterWORTH my time

Unsatisfied with this? Visit a better work by Renior, at DC’s Phillips Collection

Apt MPupil3: Wanna really put yoself to sleep? Listen to ‘River of Dreams’ by Billy Joel [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Hottie Adrienne Corri would later in appear in A Clockwork Orange as the writer’s wife who gets ultra-raped by the Droogies [NSFW]

TFF Thighspotting: Me thinks whilst nappin I dreamt of JoJo, does that count?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): it really isn’t all that bad, but I cannot recommended it, and thus Sum Merit, But No Stinkin Badges!

(don’t worry folks, only 4 more reviews left!)