Thighs Wide Shut

Nocturnal Animals
Whatturnal Whatttttttttt????
Official Site| Trailer & Mo
R | 116 min

If David Lynch had his name attached to whatever Nocturnal Animals is, then we’d all be saying – woah – this David Lynch movie is pretty slick!

But it’s a Tom Ford movie.  And what does that mean?  We only have one movie to compare it against – his debut, A Single Man, a movie I apparently liked a lot, but the only thing I can remember about that movie were those Michael Caine 60s glasses that Colin Firth wore

And what will I remember about Tom Ford’s second movie?  I dunno, it’s a book within a movie, and reality and fiction are blurred, or something?  Or that Amy Adams is dolled up like an anorexic sexy raccoon? Jake Gyllenhaal still has crazy eyes, but they’re not crazily as used or as good as they were peeping in Nightcrawler (the movie you should see in lieu of Animals)?  There’s a bunch of really really really REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY obese naked women dancing in the opening credits?  Michael Shannon looking like the Marlboro Man?  Aaron Taylor-Johnson sounding like he’s trying out a Texas twang for the first time ever as an actor?  Isla Fisher is sorta in it?  Armie Hammer is also sorta in it??  OR THAT EVERYONE IN THE MOVIE (besides Isla Fisher) HAS BLUE EYES????  

I dunno, there’s something to this movie, but I can’t put my finger on it, and the ending was an open ended ending, and while I sometimes like things left open ended, this was a movie that needed a definitive ending.  The end! (for me and this movie!)

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Animals needs to be tamed – at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

A Single Man
He’s Not There
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

A Single Man aint your sister’s typical foppish Colin Firth British rom-com kinda movie. For once it’s your gay uncle’s turn to have everyone’s hearthrob all to himself, even if it’s more a break than a throb! Outfitted with a pair of Michael Caine 60s glassies, and a wardrobe by Tom Ford (also pitching in as the film’s writer, director and self-financier of the whole dang thing!!!), Firth, dishing out his finest work since his Mr Darcy days, plays a man who has reached a point of no return, or so he thinks. Unable to recover from the death of his younger lover (Matthew Goode, more suited here than he was when he panzied up Ozymandias in Watchmen), the refined closeted professor heavily contemplates joining his tru love by doing himself in. If you ever saw the doc Chris & Don: A Love Story, about this story’s original author, Christopher Isherwood and his young lover, you’ll have better feel on the feelings involved

The plan is set in motion, but Firthy first has to go through one last day of day to day drudgery, and as the said day progresses, he keeps finding plenty of bright spots in otherwise drab world. Dem bright spots all revolve around encounters his has with people he already knows (his loopy BFF neighbor Julianne Moore, doing a way too odd British accent, a flirty student of Firth’s lookin fine in an angora sweater… and butt nekkid as well, played by About A Boy/Skiner Nicholas Hoult + a hot Spaniard, an eerie lil girl & her cheery mum Ginnifer Gooidwin), and every time he interacts with them, we literally see the washed out sepia tones on screen turn all lush and warm, and it’s a thang of udder beauty

Hactually the entire film is a masterpiece… in terms of style (the substance works fo the moist part, but wouldn’t say we were blowns away by it), and feels like one giant sad Sal-centric episode of Mad Men if it were directed by Todd Haynes (Velvet Goldmine, Far From Heaven) or perhaps the needs to workin mo Tom Kalin (see Swoon!!!). That’s sum hammazin queer cinema company to be in, and for Ford’s first try that’s really saying sumting. And a word to you ass-piring male gay filmmakers out there, apparently if you want to suck-seed, your first name muss start with a ‘T’ and you muss also cast Juliane Moore, who has appeared in all three of the aforementioned directors’ films!

Even Gay Men Love Boobs: here be two of Man‘s secretaries who could turn anyone straight…

hottie Keri Lynn Pratt

& cutie Jenna Gavigan

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEFFFFF Worth A Peepers

Man opens in NY/LA/SF only this Friday and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

his name is Michael Caine