Thighs Wide Shut

Twilight Saga: New Moon
My So-Called Monster Squad
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

You got an instant lady’s take on New Moon and nows you gots a well belated one from yours drooly. WHOOPTY DOOOO! Well, we are not a womans, but we do enjoy hunky mens cause we is 1/18ths gays. Jacob is way hunkier than Edward and Jacob is way better for Bella than Edward, but who cares cause Bella isn’t worth anyone’s hunkiness. Her dad has a mustache so she probably has one too. Plus she always looks way too distraught, in a sorta Chloe from 24 meets Willie McGee I’m about to fart face, but maybe not as flatulent. The first movie was fun and the second one was not as. There was no crazy baseballs. There was also no nekkid Ashley Greene, but that was also a problem with the first movie. Michael Sheen did show up and wasn’t playing someone British for once and that was kinda neat, but we didn’t understand that whole bit about being in some Italian city with red cloaked people and then Dakota Fanning was there without her retarded dad Sam, and she wasn’t raped either and she’s old as sh%t and then like someone grabs Edward and throws him to the ground and stuff! OH NO!! Huh? Who cares! We don’t, but we care about Jacob. Bet he’s feeling really vulnerable right about now. Maybe if we fall down and hit our head he can tear off his shirt and wipe our fiveheads with it. JACOB!!!!!!!!!!!! we wants to climb your ladder AND your abs!!!!!!!!!!!! Haven’t read the books but guess that Jacob doesn’t win Bella’s heart so therefore the next two movies will blow, unless Ashley Greene gets nekkid and gets on top of a nekkid Jacob. Team Redskins!

Moon Patrol: although relatively new, peas never 5get Devin Hester’s full moon

Verdictgo: whatevs.net, but still Jeepers Worth A Peepers

New Moon is currently being eclipsed at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

we liked ourselves some Twilight 1 (think much of that had to do with the off the meat rack baseball scene + thinking about Ashley Greene nekkid, and less about all the endless romantic brooding), but not enuff to go see a midnight screening of #2 (+ we also missed out on a pressy screening too), so we turn our space over to someone a lil bit mo appropriate to talk about hot guy’s abs and their raised eyebrows (our only rule was that they add multiple Zs to a word or 7). ladies and ghents, without further a scroop, the former Thighmistress’ review of…

The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. I am crazily obsessed with the Twilight series. I can’t get enough. Edward is def my soulmate and though he’s fictional, I still kind of believe he might actually be out there, and that one day he’ll find me and we’ll fall madly in love. The wait for New Moon was excruciating

Twilight, to be honest, wasn’t spectacular. As a fan of the books it’s fantastic to be able to see these characters come to life on screen, but the first movie was just okay. New Moon is a serious improvement. New director, new direction! To begin with, it’s just gorgeous – the town of Forks (aka Vancouver) has never looked so lush and green and there are a bunch of big, sweepy shots and fancy camera work. (Those are technical terms.) The characters simply look better too – Bella was sickly pale and unattractive in the first movie, if you ask me. I had a lot of problems believing my Edward would actually fall for that mess. But in New Moon, I’ll admit (grudgingly) that she’s looking good. The entire Cullen family looks amazing too – better makeup, better contact lenses, better wigs. And even the most dedicated members of Team Edward will appreciate Jacob’s kick ass bod. I mean HOLY. SHIT. That werewolf is ripped. The entire audience literally gasped when he took his shirt off for the first time, we were in awe. Kudos, Taylor

New Moon picks up where Twilight left off, but quickly shatters whatever brief happiness Bella might have found with her sparkly vampire. Edward leaves her and she falls into a deep depression. The only thing that lessens her pain is a budding friendship with Jacob, a studly werewolf. Of course, there is a long standing feud between the two ‘species’. If you can forget for a second that we’re talking about vampires and werewolfs, the story is actually really serious and intense. It’s the beginning of a heartbreaking love triangle. There are philosophical issues about whether vampires have souls, and whether the Cullen family should ‘change’ Bella so she can live forever. And it’s super hot because Edward could easily kill Bella, as could Jacob. They both love her and they’re both dangerous! Excitement!

Taylor Lautner is convincing in the film, he surprised me. R Pattz is barely in it but he’s sex-ay so his acting doesn’t really matter all that much. Kristen Stewart is a spazz, but she does a really great job. She’s in nearly every shot and I didn’t get sick of her. When Edward leaves her at the beginning of the film, it’s heartbreaking to watch. She loves this vampire so damn much. So I was skeptical about there being any chemistry between K Stew and Tay Lautner, but it’s definitely there. For my least favorite book in the series, the movie really impressed me. It made me like Jacob, which is like, total blasphemy. Don’t tell Edward I said that.

Verdictgo: the lady say, DEF Breast In Show. we’ll see it ourselves soon enuff and throw our 9 cents in. stay pooned!

New Moon howls today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Twilight
Cut And Pasty
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

We haven’t read a single word of Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight book series, but after all the hype, hoopla and hullabaloo that oozes from it and the mammoth box office bucks earned from its subsequent film release, how could we not jump in and see what all the hot fuss is all about? And based off of our mos enjoyable experience with the cinematic equivalent, we may have to revisit and revise our first statement… if only we had time to, somewhere in between the 5 weekly magazines subscriptions we never get thru every 7 days (Time, Time Out NY, New York, EW and SI… luckily Latin Inches and Highlights aint weekly reads!!!). Then again, we may not want to since it’s sometimes nice to be sirprized when you don’t know what lies in the characters’ futures (same thing we’re doing w/Harry Potter, although the movies can never capture the all too many goings on goings on in the novels). Guess we’ll have to avoid this graffiti spoiler-filled poster at the 23rd Street–Ely Avenue E/V subway station then, eh?

For those not in the know, Twilight covers a lot of the same ground that HBO’s True Blood does, where our innocent young heroine (here Kristen Stewart, in her best, least annoying role yet) falls for a forever young vamp beefcake (Harry Potter & The Goblet of Hotness‘ Robert Pattinson), who’s trying to keep the lady safe from danger (with a lotta help from his pasty-white family, led by Jennie Garth‘s hubby Peter Facinelli), especially from other blood lusty vamps (that slimy troublemaker Volchok dude from The OC!) including himself. Spankfully, Twilight is free of True Blood‘s funny accents (which are starting to make our blood boil more than those endless ‘saved by 0%‘ ads), and cause it’s aimed at the hearts of younger girls, there aint no gratuitous violence/sex to be found. It was a wise move that they hired Catherine Hardwicke to helm this mother, cause she’s a proven pro at playing with the emotions that come with tough young love. If you’ve seen her Thirteen yous knows what we speak of (+ yer also probably having second thoughts about having children). She may not hit toothy vampire home runs (even with the odd scene where the vamp fam plays ball) like Joel Schumacher did with The Lost Boys (one of his only good movies, EVER), but her steady holding-handiwork with the misfits kids gettin all gooey-eyed makes this one of better teen flicks to come out in some years, so eat that Nick and Norah and your infinite lameness!

Bella of The Ball: although her spikey hair in the flick makes her look kinda gothy gross, Ashley Greene has totally throwns a stake into our heart!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Let The Right One In
(Låt Den Rätte Komma In)
Sleep With The Swedish Fishes
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Wait, there’s another film out there about love and vampires? Yeppers, but this one’s even morerer differenter than the others cause it’s about kids, IN SWEDEN!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah! Let The Right One In only gots one vampire in it, a little girl (Lina Leandersson), and when she moves into a new apartment complex, her thirst for blood starts making the neighbors disappear and our lil lonely protagonist’s (KÃ¥re Hedebrant) heart grow founder. The film, outside of this one crazy cool scene with a person ablaze, moves at a snail’s pace and all the vampy feeding time stuff kinda gets in the way of what works best, focusing in on the boy’s solitude and the kids that bully him. His blossoming relationship with the little girl is mos certainly touching, but the whole enchilada coulda had more bang for its buck had it played out with less fang

Title Wave: the book/film’s title is an homage to the Morrissey song ‘Let The Right One Slip In’ [d|vid], a bonus track from the special edition version of his ’88 album Viva Hate [wikiP]

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Twilight and Let The Right One In are already playing in theaters, but if yer sick of the vamps, juss stay home and watch Horace scream about Wolfman’s nards

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…