Thighs Wide Shut

Anonymous
Unfamous A’mous
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 130 min

Roland Emmerich makes the shittiest of shit movies - Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, The Patriot, 2012, Godzilla, and a zillion other disasters that deal with natural and man-made disasters, including, but not limited to disasters in the crafts of writing and acting.  Not for a second did we ever think Emmerich was capable of making anything remotely enjoyable, let alone watchable.  Crazier things have happened, and there’s plenty of crazy things happening in Emmerich’s Anonymous, EASILY the best movie he’s ever made (although we still need to see Stargate), and in general, a f$%king fun popcorn flick that blends revisionist history with high adventure, in a yarn that actually doesn’t have much adventure to make high

Credit times 9 zillion to Emmerich and writer John Orloff, for taking a pretty dry subject (did Shakespeare write all those plays OR WAS IT SOMEONE ELSE???!???!) and making it wet like a hurricane.  Every scene feels like it’s super important, even if it’s not, and this is how Emmerich’s background with disaster flicks directly benefits his attempt at making a real movie, and unbelievably somehow makes it all work!!!  And the end result be one the moist entertaining Tudor era movies we’ve seen in quite awhile!!  IT’S TRUE!!!!!

The idea that Willy Shakes is a fraud is not a new one, but we’re sure most average moviegoers don’t know much about those conspiracy theories.  Those who don’t should relish this hot dog, and those scholarly folks who do, should juss shut their brains down and enjoy it for what it is.  And what it is aint juss an authorship question movie, but also who that asks ‘who’s yer daddy?’, filled with plenty of saucy sexual secrets + plenty of awesome facial hair and ruff-neck bidness!!!  Plus+++ the cast is udderly fantastic, top to bottom, from Vanessa Redgrave‘s Queen Elizabeth (+ her daughter Joely Richardson playing the younger version of her!) to Rhys Ifans as the bard behind the bard (+ pretty boy Jamie Campbell Bower as a dashing young version of him), to David Thewlis and Edward Hogg as the mos regal royal assholes since Count Rugen, to Sebastian Armesto, who’s like a cheaper James McAvoy, and Rafe Spall, who’s like a cheaper Ryan Reynolds, as Shakey, who wethinks invented crowd surfing

Learning fake (OR MAYBE TRUE!!!) history has never been this fun!!!!

Roland With The Homeboys: Emmerich’s London home is blammazin!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOOOOOOOOOOOOOS Worth A Peepers

Anonymous will be known today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…