Thighs Wide Shut

The Place Beyond The Pines
Brooding Broods
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 140 min

Derek Cianfrancespainengland knows pain and unhappiness, and he has no issue serving it up thru the face of Ryan Gosling, and we have no problem with any of that cause if you don’t love Gosling’s face you either cannot love or don’t have sight.  If you saw their first heartbreaking pairing – the 4th best film of 2010 – Blue Valentine – you knows whats wees sqwaking bouts, and you should so be inclined to see their second pairing, where Gosling plays a motorcycle stuntman who finds out that Eva Mendes is having his baby, so he decides to like help and stuff, even if he has no money, and Eva doesn’t want his money even if he had some, and she’s living with some black dude anyways, and he has a crying dagger tattoo, so you know this situation aint great, cause who wants your child to be the son of a dude with a crying dagger tattoo??

To spell out how the rest of the movie is spelt is to spelled out too much.  There are basically three movies in this single movie.  The first movie centers on Gosling robbing banks, with an assist from that creepy awesome Australian dude with that lisp - Ben Mendelsohn.  It’s like Drive meets Point Break.  In the second movie, policeman Bradley Cooper pops in and then this thing turns into Copland meets Copland.  In the third movie, time passes and Bradley Cooper has a son (Emory Cohen) who’s like The Wackness and stuff.  I really really really can’t tell you ANYTHING that links all of these mini-movies into the one movie, cause you shouldn’t know anything, but you should know that all three movies are worth watching, even if the culmination of them don’ts necessary add up to a hill of beans/pines, in, around or beyond them

Oh and Dane DeHaan is in this movie and Dane DeHaan is the greatest brooding actor of his generation.  Long may he brood

Oh, and this Mike Patton song is the knees bees

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

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Trance
Doctor Mindbender
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 101 min

Danny Boyle‘s Trance is like Derek Cianfrancespainengland’s Place Beyond The Pines in that we can’t really tell you all that much about it, cause if we did, it would semi-spoil the mindfudge that Danny Boyle tries to fudge our minds with.  This movie’s kinda Inception-like, but you don’t have to do that much thinking and over-thinking for something that doesn’t really require much thought in the end.  This is minor Boyle, but still, minor Boyle is better than most people’s major stuff.  He’s incapable of making awful movies.  We’re sure A Life Less Ordinary and The Beach will be the greatest movies of all time if we don’t watch them for 50 years (but probably not)

Anywho, James McAvoy plays the Ewan McGregor role, the guy we root for, but is this the guy we should be rooting for????  Or is it Frenchie Vincent Cassel?  Or hypnotist Rosario Dawson, or should we say hypno-tttttttttttttitties, cause you get to see them AND HER BUSH!?????  HOW COULD YOU NOT TRUST A WOMAN WHO SHOWS HER BOOBS and BUSH ON THE SILVER SCREEN????  Maybe we shouldn’t trust any of them.  They all want a stolen piece of art that maybe they stole or didn’t, or did they?  TRANCE TRANCE TRANCE TRANCE!  or something

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Pines & Trance do the dance currently in limited release elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

A Dangerous Method
Girl Just Wanna Have Jung
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 99 min

A teacher and a pupil and the pupil’s own pupil get into a psychological triangle of thoughts, dreams and masochistic desires in David Cronenberg‘s A Dangeous Method. It’s true, and it’s all true, cause the people we’re talking about are real people!!!  Like the cigar chomping daddy of modern psychology Sigmund Freud (Viggo Mortensen), his reluctant and doubting heir apparent Carl Jung (Michael Fassbender), and Sabina Spielrein (Keira Knightley), a fidgety young Russian girl who takes great pleasure in pain, and has a few of her own thoughts on analyzing this AND that!!!

We see relationships forged, broken, mended and bended all over again, before this trio goes their own ways into the annals of psychoanalytic history. But whose story is this? Freud is on the fringes, observing afar from Vienna, while Jung and the Ruskie take center stage experimenting with some… dangerous methods – read, HOT KINKY HOTNESS!!!!  THEY SHOULDN’T, BUT THEY SHOULD!!!!  Or should they???? What does Freud think of all this???

Mustached Fassbender as Jung owns the proceedings (of course he does, this is Fassbender we’re talking about!!!), but Keira Knightley comes pretty close to upstaging Mr Mos Fantastic Actor of the Moment. At first, her accent seems to flicker in and out of believability, but as the minutes pass, not only does Knightley’s character blossom before our eyes, but she herself, from the run of the mill Jane Austen broad we’ve become bored of, to an actual actress with great range, filled with sirpizes!  Yes, we’re talking about the same KK that is in such boring stuffy British movies like, Crumpets: The Movie. Same also goes with Cronenberg, who sirprizes us by showing he’s capable of making an adult movie that doesn’t succumb to weirdness for weirdness sake, or has William Hurt in it for no reason

moral of the story: a movie about thinking people thinking about other peoples thoughts doesn’t exactly scream ‘see me’, and we cannot necessarily say that A Dangerous Method is something worth screaming about, but it is worth a thought, and a lot of thought was put into it, so think about that.  Remember, it’s a non-weird Cronenberg movie, and William Hurt isn’t in it for no reason, so if that’s what yer thinking, THINK AGAIN!!!  BUT you get to peep at Knightley’s nips AND see Vincent Cassel play yet another oversexed pig, and that’s good enuff for we to think you should see it, maybe.  thoughts?

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

A Dangerous Method wants you to hear its thoughts in NY & LA today, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Black Swan
Perfection Has It’s Price
AND THE PRICE IS BEYOND AWESOMESZEZZ!!!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

In the race for American cinema auteur awesomeness, there’s Darren Aronofsky and Ben Affleck David Fincher, and (although Christopher Nolan’s got skillz) that’s it!!!!!!!  It’s a battle we hope that never ends, as the two continually bring it HARDCORE film after film… with a couple minor, yet very inspired eggceptions.  In Finchy’s case, it’s Benjamin Snoozefest and for DA, it’s his budget-restricted messy mess that is The Fountain.  One sorta miss is nothing compared to the 4 unforgettable dynamite productions under his belt.  His latest, Black Swan is that forth flick and it is nothing short of WOWEE ZOWEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s as manic as Requiem, as mystical as Ï€, and as go for broken as The Wrestler.  Black Swan is essentially the same movie as The Wrestler (ending included????), but with a ♀ doin all the abusing to her body for the profession that owns her life – BALLETING!!!!!

And in the race for the White Swan AND Black Swan dual role in Swan Lake in the duality dualtastic Black Swan are three beautiful ballerina brunettes that no man, woman or child would kick out of bed, even if that bed was made of nails and horse poop: Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis and Winona Ryder.  Hard Ryder is yesterday’s forgotten news (but in our world’s SHE’S EVERYDAY NEWS CAUSE WE LOVE HER MORE THAN WE LOVE FRIED CHICKEN), Porcelain Portman is today’s shaken AND stirred edition, and kool-eyed kool-whipped Kunis is all tomorrow’s party.  Add worn-in faced Barbara Hershey as Natalie’s ‘no wire hangers‘/‘they’re all going to laugh at you‘ mum and vicious Vincent ‘married to Monica Belluci’ Cassel as the ringmaster of this black & white with a splash of red crazytownedness circus, and what you’ve got is the f$%king looniest screen trip we’ve adored and been horrified by since Jacob’s Ladder

Swan also gots crotch grabs, crotch grabbing, groping, Mila Kunis’ eyes, Portman’s toenails, Portman’s fingernails, Portman fingering herself, and some of the fiercest acting performances put to celluloid (will we no longer use that word when shiz all goes 100% digital projection?) in 2010 (Portman will win the Oscar, but wee is totes on team Jarvis, and Cassel deserves to win the Supporting one).  Did we have you had ‘crotch grab’?  You should have been had at ‘Aronofsky’

Toidfact: Darren’s father Abraham Aronofsky has appeared in all 5 of his feature films

We’d Dive For This Swan!!:  normal name, above normal hotness…

Janet Montgomery!!!!  although Janet, explain this!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show times like 83838!!!!

Swan is currently laking its chops in limited release!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…