Wonder Woman
Some Kind of Not So Wonderful
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 141 min

I was all for Wonder Woman, the character and the actress playing her, but not so much for the Patty Jenkins movie.  lemme explain, in imagery…

there was a land of nothing but ladies and I was all for that.  ZZ Top would be too

but for some reason, all the women had accents like Kate McKinnon as Olya Povlatsky, and it was strange to hear Robin Wright do a Kate McKinnon as Olya Povlatsky imitation 

–

but it’s all good, cause they descended from Zeus and they tell us their HERstory thru like some pretty cool moving paintings or something

and we follow the growings up of the youngest of this all lady crew – Diana, who’s that super hot Israeli chick from 9 Fast 19 Furious – Gal Gadot, and then we’re like ‘Oh, I’ll follow her, wherever she goes!!  Hopefully to like a shower scene!!‘

but then dreamy Captain Kirk shows up

and when men, and war are introduced, the movie turns into a 1/2 rate version of the first Captain America movie

where our villains are more cookie-cutter than villains made from a cookie cutter

including one that’s like a female version of that 1/2 face dude from Boardwalk Empire (who is the nephew to the other baddie in the movie, Danny Huston)

and these bad peoples are beyond obsessed with gas, but not the funny kind

but before our heroine and her blue-eyed boy friend (he’s a boy, who’s a friend) can fight evil and their gas, she must first hide her sexy costume in the demur WWI-era clothings, so why not a give your fanboy & fangirl audience exactly what they want – a trying on clothing montage!

and then waste more time talking to mustachioed generals (one being David Thewlis, who certainly has rebounded from being in The Island of Dr Moreau), who look like they’re on the cover of Stratego

and then we’re introduced to a set of pointless sidekicks (apologies to actors I truly love, Ewen Bremner & Saïd Taghmaoui, but your characters were cardboard lameness, a breath of hot air, and a waste of everyone’s time – even Wonder Woman’s – she doesn’t need your help!!), including a Native American for no reason (apologies to you Eugene Brave Rock, who I’m sure is a lovely man)

and then it’s like a WWI trench movie, but like the least interesting one you’ve seen

and then there’s more boring stuff that takes like 19292929ever, and then it eventually turns into one giant Zack Snyder bunk-a$$ DC movie, where there’s all this dark darkness stuff, and nothing but destruction, and it sucks a$$$$, and for some reason, our final round bad guy is Sauron from LOTR

and then after all that, the movie is basically over, and I was like, WTF????, was this a movie about Wonder Woman, or like a WWI movie about a bunch of dudes and proto-Nazis, and all of it wasn’t really that interesting, and was actually kinda corny, and didn’t include any shower scenes with Wonder Woman in it???!!!!

Again, I’m all for Wonder Woman, and the actress, but not for this movie.  I know there will be another movie (not including the Justice League one,which looks so retched, I won’t even bother to see it), but can they at least make the next one less manly, less dark, and more showery??? C’mon guys,
this isn’t rocket scientology – it’s a hot chick in a hot outfit, kicking a$$.  Keep it simple, and showery

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Woman is not quite Wonderful at theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Man of Steel
Bigville
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG-13 | 143 min

Dude, Zack Snyder was 2/3rds on his way to making the bestest Zack Snyder movie ever, but then he turned his Superman movie into Rampage, and then mine eyes and brain were like, NOOOOO!!!!  MAKE IT STOP!!!  MAKE IT STOP!!!  BUTTT still, 2/3rds amazing Zack Snyder movie is > most Zack Snyder movies!!!!  IT’S TRUE!!! Cause 300 was red sauce on würst pasta, no one saw that Owl movie, Sucker Punch sucked balls, and Watchmen, while technically and visually brilliant, has since left us with an empty impression.  But Snyder’s Superman (called Man of Steel) felt kinda fresh and exciting, even though we already know everything about Superman, and we’re still attached to the the idea of Christopher Reeve as the one AND only Superman

But…

Henry Cavill IS Superman.  He’s sexy, and he can furrow his brow, and we wanted to have sex with him on The Tudors, and we want to have sex with him now AND 9EVER!!  HE WIN ME!!!

Amy Adams is fine as Lois Lane, and certainly an upgrade over Kate Snoozeworth, but a deaf mute snail would have been an upgrade over Snoozyworth, so nothing shatteringearthy here.  Btw, Superman Returns was totally a good movie

Michael Shannon sure puts his own stamp of terence on General Zod, but how many times can Michael Shannon make a crazy face in a movie?  We worry about him!!  And he so scary that we never want to meet him in real life!

OMG OMG OMG Russell Crowe as El Guapo-El Papa Frita-Jor-El was the knees bees!!!!  Can he be our dad?  Can there be a prequel spinoff movie where he has a beard and does stuff on Krypton like bang his hot Israeli wife Ayelet Zurer til the Krypton cows come home??  The only thing he don’t got on Brando’s Jor is awesome white hair and the ability to mispronounce his planet as ‘Kryptin’

Kevin Costner & Diane Lane as Ma & Pa Kent were good enuff.  Nothing crazy, but mainly cause Smallville is the torch bearer for all young Clarkness stufffffs.  And WTF was up with Pa Kent saving that dog?  Look, I know people love dogs, but no dog is worth giving up yer own life for.  Spoiler alert – I just spoiled a refarted movie death for you, sorry

Laurence Fishburne is Perry White, EIC of the Daily Planet.  He has about as much to do in this movie as a stalk of Kent corn does

7-11, IHOP and Sears – they paid to be in this movie and they all get destroyed.  KINDA AWESOME!!!

The CGI – looked great, especially the shiz on Krypton, like that giant sun

But…

that last hour was juss TOOOOOOO much.  They could cut out about half of the destroying earth stuff, and the fighting in space things, and the Daily Planet intern being stuck in rubble whatevers.  Look, it’s cool to destroy a city and stuff, but the Rampageing didn’t do anything for me neither when it happened in The Avengers, and they only had a fraction of the destruction.  And seriouslyly, where does a sequel go from here?  How do you ‘top’ the toppling of Metropolis?  I’m sure Lex Luthor will pop up in Man of Steel II, but what he gonna do?  Threaten to destroy the city?  Been there, DONE WAY TOO MUCH OF THAT!

But…

There’s more to Snyder’s Superman than there is/was to Nolan (Man of Steel‘s writer/producer)’s Batman series.  It’s dark, but not TOO dark, but Snyder’s Supes is be more emotional and inspiring than watching Nolan’s Bruce Wayne wax and wane.  There’s no humor in either Superman or Batman, but who needs humor?  Those stupid Marvel movies have TOO MUCH HUMOR, and they is juss stoopid.  Enuff with winking at the camera, and just save the world, K?  Snyder and Nolan somehow get it, and for the most part, it’s really f#$king super, man!

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Man of Steel soars currently at a theater near jews

oh, and major kudos to AMC who installed POOFY COMFY LEATHER RECLINING CHAIRS in a local theater that I always thought was a dumphole.  hope they do this to all their theaters, cause it’s a game changer!!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Sucker Punch
Technical Crap Out
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Unwatchable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you need to know anything more about Zack Snyder‘s ode to nothing for no one?  Was this even a movie?  There was no plot, and if there was one, we’d laugh at you if you tried to explain it.  Maybe we’ll explain it to you and then you can laff at us or the movie

OK, so there’s this girl and she’s Emily Browning and she’s hot, even though she still looks like she’s 12.  so they dress her up like a anime sailor girl that sick twisted men JO to

and even though Browning’s a hottie, and it’s mad hot to see her wear things that are tight against her tight bod, that doesn’t mean you should pay to see her look hot

anywho, her like family dies (with a crane-shot funeral scene ripped right from Zack’s own Watchmen) and a bunch of crap happens and it’s exactly like the video for Aerosmith’s ‘Janie’s Got A Gun’

but instead of cheesy Aerosmith songs, the film is made up of shitty cover tunes that will make your ears want to run from cover from the covers.  wurst offender is Alison Mosshart’s cover of the Beatles’ ‘Tomorrow Never Knows’.  if you hear it, it IS dying!!!!!

so Browning’s left in her stepdad’s hands, but he wants her off of his hands, so he sends her to some building straight out of Scooby Doo

and it’s about as plastic looking as this mansion playset

apparently this isn’t a good place to be and soon some guy’s gonna come and like take Brownings brain or something.  OH NO!!!

luckily there’s some hot chicks around who instantly identify with her and want to help her!  they are Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone (she’s not hot, so movies, please stop trying to do so), Jamie Chung and Vanessa Hudgens (did they make her look gross on purpose?).  this movie sets their careers back 9 years and women’s lib by about 20.  it will also reset your brain to zero, and your wallet to minus $8 to $13 dollars

there’s also this vampy Russian broad who like helps girls act or dance or something.  she’s ‘played’ by Carla Gugino. Carla’s annoying Russian biznatch is so over the borscht top that she makes Bullwinkle’s Natasha look like a serious toon, like Rosie The Riveter

Carla Gugino is juss awful. AWFULLLLLLLLLLL.  maybe it’s the movie’s fault or maybe she should stop being in horrible movies.  we’re starting to think that if we see her name in a movie’s marquee that we should see whatever’s not starring her… unless she’s going NSFW

anywho, apparently Browning is a super sexy dancer and this movie turns into Burlesque or is it Showgirls?  does it matter?  it has zero nudity or zero anything.  it’s nothing.  no winking at the camera.  all stinking at the camera!!!

so Browning needs something to do, so she meets with David Carradine, but since he went all Michael Hutchence on us, he couldn’t be cast in the movie, so they went with Jack Crawford (Scott Glenn)

so David Carradine by way of Scott Glenn tells Browing that she has like 5 things to do and so begins video game level after video game level of accomplishing NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!  it’s like Scott Pilgrim, but with less Beck and less Mary Elizabeth Winstead.  Oh, you have to kill 8 boyfriends, huh?  WAKE US UP WHEN BORING IS OVER.  anyone who says SCOTT PILGRIM was good doesn’t know what good is.  they probably watch 2.5 Mens

so Browning and the ladies like start up a dance routine, but you never see them dance, so instead they jump into other movies like Lord of The Rings and Iron Giant and RoboCop and Sky Captain & The World of Boring and like other movies, and it all sucks!!!

and the dude running the show is Roman Moroni (Oscar Isaac) from Johnny Dangerously, and he is beyond a farigin icehole

and this movie is a fargin icehole

and then the same nothing happens like 8 times and then Jon Hamm shows up or something and then the credits roll

moral of the story?  hot chicks in tight clothing is not a movie

this movie is HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, and like we said at the beginning, UNWATCHABLE, so do the right thing and don’t watch it

Verdictgo: BEYOND Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Sucker SUCKS tomorrow at a theater new jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…