Box Office BidnessPeace Out The Passion

Brittany Murphy is wondering if Dakota Fanning will grow up more awkwardly than Haley Joel Omelette

1. Man On Fire – $22.7 million (New) – If anyone ever laid a finger on precocious ultra-child Dakota Fanning, I’d be a man on fire too!!! She is so adorable!!! Is it possible for me to adopt her? I don’t have much money, but we can eat at McDonald’s every day and go to Coney Island every weekend, like she and Brittany Murphy did in the shitpick, Uptown Girls. And please do not confuse this movie with the upcoming Johnny Cash biopic starring Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon.

2. 13 Going 30 – $21 million (New) – Why would I see this when I’ve already seen Tom Hanks’ Big. Don’t get me wrong, I love Mark Rufflesalallllao, but no Zoltar, no 10 dollars of mine. Plus, I’d rather be 26 going on 6. And am I the only one on planet USA who isn’t going gaga for Jennifer Garner? I mean she’s 30. That’s like being 106 years old in Hollywood. Time to forget about her and move onto 17 3/4-year-olds like Ms. LL, who ROCKS btw!

3. Kill Bill: Volume 2 – $10.4 million ($42.9 million) – Seeing this tonight. Full scathing review forthcoming.

4. The Punisher – $6.2 million ($24.1 million) – Thomas James has sometimes been credited as Tom Elliott, Tom Jane, Tom Janes, and just plain ole Tom. What, not love for Tom N Jerry?

5. Home on the Range – $3.5 million ($42.5 million) – I’m glad to see G.W. Bailey still working. It’s been a long time since his acting renaissance of 1986-1987: Burglar, Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, Mannequin, and Short Circuit.

Which is the worse bet, The Really Rottens or The Washington Generals?

6. Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed – $3.4 million ($76.7 million) – Screw the live-action. I’d rather see Hanna-Barbera’s Laff-A-Lympics brought to the big screen and have them deal with some of today’s hot topics: performance enhancing drugs and un-built stadiums, like the Summer Games in Greece. Can you bee leave that The Really Rottens were never overall medal winners?

7. Hellboy – $3.1 million ($54.8 million) – You’re off the hook for now HellBoo, cause Van HelSucks has replaced you in my world of hate.

8. Johnson Family Vacation – $3 million ($25 million) – How does a poopie-ass movie keep making kish cash when it receives 69 rotten tomatoes out of 74 total? On the flipside, dope-ass Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind received 160 fresh tomatoes out of 174 total and is almost out of theaters. See it b4 tits gone foreva.

9. Ella Enchanted $2.9 million ($17.4 million) – Hopefully this movie will be knocked off the top 10 next week so I don’t have to write about an Anne Hathaway movie until The Princess Diarrhea 2 is released.

10. Walking Tall – $2.6 million ($40.5 million) – If he’s the next Schwarzenegger, then’s who’s the next the Rock? Peebles or Bamm Bamm?