Box Office BidnessAttack of the Tweens

LL, bursting with natural talent

1. Van Helsing – $54.2 million (New) – Me and the Kid Kadoji caught a sneak preview a couple of weeks back and had only two words to describe it: Van Helsucks. Don’t trust me? Trust the kid and his review (don’t click if you’re epilictic)

2. Mean Girls– $14 million ($42.4 million) – The one week I skip my Box Office Bidness duties and my queen of cream, LL, rules them all. I knew she had the stuff of superstardom and this just proves it. See you later Duff, Bynes, Olsen Twits, and all you other 8th-rate Tweens, this is LL’s kingdom and I am her king. Before I keep rambling on and on about how amazingly umcredible she is and looks, I’ll stop and save those comments for the long-awaited full review. Coming soon, I pinky swear.

3. Man On Fire – $7.9 million ($56 million) – Take this MythBusters: that rumor about Christopher Walken’s first ever kissing scene in Sleepy Hollow is more bunk than a bunk bed. He already landed some smooches in both The Deer Hunter and The Dead Zone.

Stay in the dumpster where you two belong!

4. New York Minute – $6.2 million (New) – Sure, the Olsen twits can peddle zillions of straight-to-video videos to the masses, but I guess they can’t bring those home viewers into the theaters. This movie bombing is a good thing peoples. This will ensure that there won’t ever be a big-screen version of Full House… much to the dismay of Dave Coulier, Candace Cameron, and Jodie Sweetin. Go back to VHS land scary-ass evil twins, the movies are Lohan’s stomping grounds.

5. 13 Going 30 – $5.5 million ($42.6 million) – Skip this poop-a-thon and rent director Gary Winick’s mo better coming of age movie, Tadpole.

I think I may have a thing for redheads… and boobs

6. Laws of Attraction – $3.5 million ($11.9 million) – I hate romantic comedies. I loathe romantic comedies. I love Julianne Moore. I detest romantic comedies. And how are we to trust a director who unleashed both Johnny English and AntiTrust onto the world? Did he honestly think that trapping Ryan Phillippppeppeppepe in Duplo blocks was something ingenious?

7. Kill Bill: Volume 2 – $3 million ($57.8 million) – Of course this movie rocks, Lucy Liu’s character was dead.

8. Godsend $2.7 million ($11.3 million) – Child dies and is reborn by techmology. Shit goes wrong. Sounds a lot like A.I., sans Jude Law hottie robot.

9. Envy – $2.6 million ($10.1 million) – This movie was pushed back so many times that it gave Twinkie’s shelf-life record a run for its money.

10. The Punisher – $1.2 million ($32.1 million) – Thomas James and Patricia Arquette’s daughter is named Harlow Olivia Calliope. Good thing my parents weren’t famous, although my original middle name was Ira. Eeeeeeesh!