Box Office BidnessHelen Is A Ho-Bag

1. Troy $46.8 million (New) – For honor. For victory. For love. For destiny. For passion. For Troy. Fo shizzle. For Pete’s f-in sake, enuff already, just go on and read our review. With mad props to and from Mr. Panty Raider!!!

2. Van Helsing – $20.7 million ($85 million) – Americans love crap. They really do! Why else do you think Friends lasted as long as it did? And its obvs to my bovs that nobody peeped our scathing review of Van Helsucks. 85 million? How could you all let this happen? Wouldn’t you rather see a documentary all about inverted nipples? I would.

3. Mean Girls– $10.1 million ($55.4 million) – This will probably be the first movie since City of God that I will see twice in the theater. That’s not a threat, but a promise. Who’s with me? But yer pants must stay around yer ankles for the entire film. Our review be here or be square.

4. Man On Fire – $5.1 million ($64.1 million) – Dakota Fanning turns 18 in 2015. Let the dirty old man counters begin. F-in YUCK!!!!!

5. Breakin’ All the Rules – $5 million (New) – We the Master o’ Thighs, in order to form a more perfect union with Gabrielle Union, must eggcept the fact that Ms Hotness stars in whore-able movies.

6. 13 Going 30 – $4.1 million ($48.5 million) – If for some strange reason all the planets aligned, Lindsay Lohan’s boobs turned out to be fakes, tacos became our national flower, and Andy Serkis got nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his work in the poopfest instead of LOTR: The Two Towers, I’d seriously consider shaving off all me grundle hair and gluing it to my face.

7. New York Minute – $3.8 million ($10.7 million) – Last week we briefly touched on Jodie “Sweet-Ass” Sweetin and Candace “Candy-Ass” Cameron. This week, we actually did a lil sleuthing and found out that Jodes is an uber-hottie, while Candace is still Kirk’s sister AND is married to Pavel Bure’s bro, Valeri. Next yer gonna tell me that Winnie Cooper was a math genius and now as a more budding acting career than Kevin Arnold!!

8. Laws of Attraction – $2 million ($15.3 million) – If Julianne Moore and me made babies together, they would probably look something like this (Beware people with weak stomachs).

9. Kill Bill: Volume 2 – $1.6 million ($60.8 million) – Why is Jackie Brown the most boringiest movie ever and this movie aint?

10. Envy – $1 million ($11.8 million) – Neftlix The Ben Stiller Show instead… and be sure to skip all the Skank the sock puppet bits.