Freckle Juicy

– Lohan. Side Boobies. Grambo. What do all of these words have in common? They all rock the cashbar and they all led me to this fine piece of photography on your left that even has Ansel Adams jizzing in his grave.

– The Thighs spies painted the town red last night in honor of newly discharged compadre DJ Cackensen at Meatpacking District’s overblown trattoria Vento. The food was so unplentiful that it wouldn’t even fill an anorexic. Speaking of, guess who was sitting right behind us, none other than Heather “please only wear roller skates” Graham and Molly Shannon “Yogurt”. Heather looked slammin’ in the red jump suit she was sporting and Molly Shannon had pasta.

– In news no one would care about but me and the inventor of Tetris: Russian duo Smash! not the male t.A.T.u.

– Did Trainspotting single handedly reestablish the British film industry, only later to destroy it? Who cares? It was worth hearing Begbie say, “That wee lassie got glassed, and no cunt leaves till I find out what cunt did it“.

– The slowest episode of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire ever: Ken Jennings’ current run on Jeopardy. Looks like he’ll hit that million dollar mark on tonight’s show. I bet Alex beats off to Ken behind that podium.

– Hope the latest Greecian power outage doesn’t put a damper on the Badminton matches. And is it too late for me to join the Olympic torch relay in Crete? Hear the green fields and local crops are lovely this time of year.

– Sacha Baron Cohen, the genius behind the G of Ali, wants some respek as a serious actor, but Hollywood aint having it. They don’t know what they’re missing. SBC is the Gary Oldman of comedy. An f-in chameleon. Anywho, don’t forget, new season begins this Sunday.

– Sonic Youth will be playing Webster Hall on Friday August 13. Tickets are available now from TicketWeb. Just use promotional code is “nurse”. Tickets are $25 and go onsale to the general public Wednesday July 14 @ noon.

– Best news since Lindsay Lohan turned 18: McG OUT as director of new Superman flick. Word is Jake Darkogynehalllelal is out too. Just let Dick Donner direct and pick the best possible candidate for the man of abs of steel: Tom Welling, who Time Werespanko dubbed, “The greatest living actor.”

– For Shit Magazine (FHM) did a nice lil reunion piece on Revenge of the Nerds. Too bad they couldn’t land Poindexter, despite the petition signed by the kid who played Worsmer.

– Famous people’s deaths are the latest rage like spatulas. Don’t get left out in the cold peoples. Sign up at CelebrityDeathBeeper.com.

– If there was a biopic about Arnold Schwarzenegger, who would you cast? Was the name Jurgen Prochnow at the top of your list?

– Biggest dick move: Iranian Man Dodges Suicide Pact With Bride.

– Orioles’ pimp daddy, Miguel Tejada hit a record 27 dingbats in last night’s All-Star Home Run Derby contest. The boy is on my squad and I couldn’t care less. Is it football season yet?

– Meet the next group of British kids who will be subjected to jailbait lust in years to come: the cast of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.

– Before he was the Franz Ferdifrontman, Alex Kapranos was the king of the Karelias. Well, someone thinks they can make a quick buck off of this and thus, their 1997 album, Divorce At High Noon, is going to be reissued. Hide your women and children Grambs.

– How bout this for a headline: Odor May Be Clue To Missing Airport Fish. Somebody call Tom Ridge and tell his a$$ to raise the terror level to Mountain Dew Code Red.

– And a friendly word of advice, never go into business with a guy named Jello or Biafra.