Hair Bears
08. Jul, 2004 
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Wees got a sneak preview at the monstrously long documentary about the #1 hair band in the world, Metallica: Some Kind of Monster. As my theory goes, no documentary is truly awful, and this one, about a band I could care less about, is certainly not awful. Mos def worth a peep. Here’s what I learned:
– Apparently this flick isn’t too much of a draw as the theater was maybe 2/3 full. A rarity for a screening. I also won a t-shirt that looked like it had an abortion on the front of it. I later used it as a diaper.
– It took Metallica over 700 days and many clams to record their latest, St Anger. It took los White Stripes 10 days and cost less than 10 K to produce their master-thing Elephant. You tell me, what’s the better investment?
– Lars Ulrich probably has one of the worst collections of art I’ve ever seen.
– I could never be in a band cause my ego would leggo everyone else’s eggo.
– New bassist Robert Trujillo’s name and face sorta looks like super-character actor Danny Trejo’s.
– Children playing drums is always funny.
– Kirk Hammett has two m’s and two t’s in his last name. He also doesn’t take a side and isn’t too articulate. His hair is a giant mess too.
– Their producer, Bob Rock, wishes he was in the band. He also looks like a cross between Jackie The Joke Man Martling and Nick Nolte.
– Dave Mustaine is alive and sort of not well. He’s still bitter about being kicked out of Metallica and probably bitter than he has orange pubes.
– James Hetfield’s new look, is much more rockin than his old one.
– They hired the rapist, I mean a therapist to help with their issues. He was nebbish and wore Bill Cosby-esque sweaters. And by the end of the album’s recording, he wanted to be in the band too.
– Lars’ papa, Torben Ulrich looks like a one of the dudes in ZZ Top if he was left in a dryer too long.
– This doc needs about 45 minutes cut out of it. I felt longer than Hoop Dreams (170 minutes).
– When a fire alarm is flashing during your movie, you should probably leave the theater. None of us did, as the doc was almost over, but when we left, there were a plethora of firemen and the smell of smoke.
– Someone please make a G ‘n’ R doc. And get them to reunite already. Nickel PLEASE!!!
