Cashiers Du Cinema

The Village Idiocy

If the Quakers ever made a movie about the Amish it would resemble something 1/3 as boring as F Murray Shyamalan’s The Village. This ‘movie’ hinges on 1 and 1/2 twists that are revealed 1 and 1/2 hours too late. I kept turning to my mother in the theater and asking when something was going to happen. And nothing ever did. Except that Michael Pitt somehow got another paycheck which is so mindgoogling that I’m sure Sir Larry Olivier, Orson Welles, and John C Reilly are all spinning in their graves. And wow, those monsters of the woods (who not hath names that shall beith uttered only on Wednesdays in our fair community away from the townseses who how why that shall not be neareth the color red for it is forsaken in the elder’s words of harvest and hoeing) were really damn scary… for those of you who thinkith that Count Chocula is scary. Hey F Murray Shyamalan, why not take a stab at another film genre besides F Murray Shyamalan brainfudge ‘thrillers’. Give it a rest you one-trick-phony F Murray Shyamalan!! You may have stroke gold with Haley Joel Omelette, but yer storytelling has gone downhill faster than Pirmin Zurbriggen. Your scripts read like a dead-end trail in a Choose Your Own Adventure book. At least yer cameo this time around wasn’t as horribleristic as your Signs one. Maybe you can star in the sequel to Harold’s Wild White Castle Adventure called, Dude, Where’s My Kumar? Slit me eyes out bad? Yep, if only I could keep them open. On the bright side of thangs, the sets and costumes were top notch! And hey, thanks F Murray Omelette Shyamalandingdong for making me utter these words after viewing yer movie: “Me’d like to bone Ron Howard’s daughter!”

Post script – please read Ebert’s review.

The Dreamers – Dream On Like Brian Benbenben

When you can’t cast Leo, get Pitt, and when Brad’s not available, get Michael Pitt. Who’s Michael Pitt’s agent? The dude most be as brillyant as Archimedes in order to get the Pittster work. His acting is about as wooden as John Wooden’s last name “Wooden”. Michael Pitt single handedly ruined a movie where an uber fly nekkid French chick, Eva Green, flaunts her fun bags and poonanny for most of her screen time. And why were people so up in arms about the NC-17 rating the ‘film’ was slapped with? Have you ever seen a movie where Michael Pitt busters a woman’s hymen, and then rubs the blood juice all over her? I not only wanted to slit my eyes out after that moment, but wanted to cut off my knob and build a fortress made of hymens to protect me from more Michael Pitt movies. Lord knows how you landed the role of Tommy Gnosis. Even Hedwig would cut off the rest of his/her’s angry inch.

Greendale – Low Adventures In Low-Fi

It’s The Who’s Tommy meets The Blair Witch Project minus the 300 dollar budget. A must see for anyone suffering from insomnia or wants to see a movie almost as boring as F Murray Omelette Shyamalandingdong’s latest. Just buy the CD and make up your own story in yer head. And please, “Be The Rain”.

The Human Stain – In My Undies

Who knew that Philip Roth could make a rich man’s version of C Thomas Howell’s Soul Man meets The Jerk? Bi thy weigh, can you bee leave that Soul Man also starred Arye Gross, Rae Dawn Chong, Leslie Nielsen, James Earl Jones, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Ron Reagan Jr, AND ALF’s crack smoking foster dad Max Wright!! The 80’s when everything was possible and ALF’s foster dad didn’t have gay orgy crackfests!!

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen – Confessions of a Thigh Master Forced To Watch A Wretched Lohan Flick For The 2nd Time

Don’t get me wrong folks, this Lohan-Disney-cheese-a-thon is great spanking material, but it’s probably one of the wurstestest movies I have seen all year. Not even a collaboration between C Thomas Howell, F Murray Abraham, and M Night Shyamalan could be this awfulistically. If only Her Royal Thighness outputted a few more stinkers like these instead of hitting it big like her rack, she’d be in Playboy 7 times over by now.