Lord of the Promise Rings

– Lindsay Lushan is Peephole Magazine‘s covergirl this week. Since I refuse to buy that periodical and AOL is cockblogging me from entering their site, the only thing I can tell you from the piece is that her and her beloveded Fez have exchanged “promise rings”. I know she’s 18 and all, but this all sounds a bit 6th grade to me. Do they also hold hands, play Chutes & Ladders as late as 9pm, AND sneak into PG-13 movies?? Oh golly gosh!! OK, so I’m being more bitterer than bitter herbs here, but why didn’t she want to eggschange promise rings with lil ole me? I think the only kind of ring she would give me would be ringworm, for writing such filth about her and her thighs.

– And there’s even more from LLN (The Lindsay Lohan Network)… She was recently reunited with her deadbeat father Michael, who claims that Lindsay’s Lohandlers were keeping them apart on purpose. Well maybe if you paid some bills and stopped beating yer in-laws, Disney & Co would let you get near their investment.

– This week’s sign that heaven is a place on middle earth: Gandalf and Gollum to team up. And this week’s sign that the apocalypse is upon us (the headline & the actual pairing): Reservoir Frogs: Kermit and Tarantino Join Forces.

– These people only leave their caves/parents’ basement when an Anime convention comes to town. Bee leave me, its true, I’ve been to some of these cons, not as a fan, but to help promote my company’s fine animated pornography. [via Posh and Becker]

– Dakota Fanning, the mostest adorable girl in all of the world, is in talks to play Alice, the mostest adorable girl in all of Wonderland. I pray to the Lord that she never grows up all awkward like Haley Joel Omelette did. Be sure to come back to this site in 2010 when you can expect a where is Haley Joel now link, ala Paul Pfeiffer/The Boz.

– Happy belated 100th b-day to the banana split. However, you’ll have to wait until 2068 to celebrate The Banana Splits‘ centennial. [Note: be careful with the audio on that last link]

– Where does yer college or university rank on US News & World Report‘s annual hotness list. I feel like a real winner when my Hoosier homies are rated lower than the Blue Hens of Delawhere!! They don’t even have sales tax there!! And doesn’t everyone know that only the biggest and brightest went to IU, like the likes of Jane Pauley, Kevin Kline, Dick Enberg, Ernie Pyle-Driver, The Thigh Master, the father from The Monster Squad, and m’yes, the Beastmaster/V killer himself, Marc Singer.

– This official Clinton Portis shirt is more bootleg looking than a bootleg shirt you can buy at an NFL stadium’s parking lot.

– Scientists say Blade Runner is breastest. If you asked a Scientologist, they’d say Battlefield Earth. And I’d have to say Empire Strikes Back. Only cause Lobot is the fucking shit.

– Björk and Kelis make beautiful milk shakes together, but I guess not good enuff to make B’s Medúlla album that’s released on Tuesday.

– Life must be purty eggcitiing in upstate NY. Well, at least that’s the impression I get from this eggstensive site dedicated to its roads and signs. Did you know that in something called Robert Moses State Park this statement is true.

– If hipsters were homeless, their dwellings would look quite modular.

– And finalmente, isn’t it about time you bought yer own dang Nazi Holiday Camp? When you greet visitors to yer new digs, you can say, ‘Guten tag. Do you like Mine Camp or what?’